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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking for MIL advice

33 replies

MummyPod88 · 06/04/2018 18:35

Sorry in advance this will probably be a fairly long and ranting post. I've had issues with the MIL and would like to get over them now we have a child but finding it so difficult.
My partner has been on his own for several years before we got together and his mum was used to having him at her beck and call. I met her for the first time when she decided to let herself in my partners house without permission whilst he was at work (yep that was awkward). She continued to let herself in the house and when we are alway do diy that she thinks needs doing (unfortunately not very well). We have asked her several times not to and each time promises not to do it again but does. If my other half gets firm and discusses taking the key away she'll cry and always goes onto the subject of a hospital appt (she's been in remission from breast cancer for 7/8years now and has had a couple of hip ops).
I feel I have made an effort with visiting her and trying to be friendly, she only lives a couple of minutes walk from us and won't visit when we're in. I've made cakes to take round and she has handed them back to me to take home without trying. After one op I made a quiche (I know she eats quiche) and bought her food so she didn't have to go out, but she refused it and told me she'd rather have left overs. I host a lot and cook for other people and my food always goes down well.
In January we had a daughter, we decided to keep her name to ourselves until she was born. On Christmas day MIL started shouting at me because of this and FIL had to step in to stop her. When baby was born we would agree a time for her to visit but she'd just turn up whenever she wanted and let herself in. After the first week we were told it's time we started going to her rather than her coming to us. We told her she is welcome to come to us when ever she likes just text to make sure we are in and she has been asked to knock at the front door. Now she makes a point all the time saying 'o well I won't see you until such and such day then' we say come to us before but she won't and on the rare occasions she does makes a huge deal about not being allowed to let herself in.
I've also found out from the neighbour recently that she was snooping far more often than we realised.
Last thing sorry. She has also had a go at me about how many clothes my daughter has and a baby doesn't need that many. A lot are gifts. And in the last 10 days has bought around 10 outfits round.

Had anyone got any advice? I don't want to ruin my partners relationship with his mum and he finds confrontation difficult (unfortunately would rather brush things under the carpet rather than have a difficult conversation early on). Every time I start to calm down I find something else out or get shouted at (conveniently when partner leaves the room usually). I'm finding I'm becoming unreasonable and not wanting her near my daughter and that's not really fair so trying not to be like that bit it's so hard.

OP posts:
Minniemannymoo · 06/04/2018 18:38

Change the locks, she's not supposed to use her key anyway so just change them and wait to see how long it takes her to bring it up. Pick your battles, ignore silly comments like how many clothes your DD has. Just smile and nod.

divadee · 06/04/2018 18:39

First thing is change the bloody locks! Then you don't have the hassle of getting the key back and the emotional response that will trigger. She won't say anything about you doing this as if she shouldn't be coming round when you are out she won't know!

Pengggwn · 06/04/2018 18:40

Couldn't have someone letting themselves into my house. Change the locks.

CoffeeOrSleep · 06/04/2018 18:43

Yep, change the locks. If she says anything, say you lost your keys - then ask how she knows...

Also stop trying. You don't need to win her over. Book times in to see her together. Ideally at her house so you can control arrival and leaving times. (Get your DH to agree in advance when you'll leave).

SenoritaViva · 06/04/2018 18:45

Definitely change the locks. Your partner needs to protect you more. Don't make food for her. If she shouts at you leave the room.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 18:46

Get the locks changed (immediately) and don’t give her a key.

Ignore crying or emotional blackmail.

If she says I won’t see you until x date say “that’s lovely we’ll see you then”

All this will be excellent practice for when your baby is a tantruming toddler.

Set firm boundaries and stick to them.
Never, ever, ever give into a tantrum regardless of the age of the person doing it. You are just teaching them that the manipulation worked so they’ll keep doing it.

You also need to have a conversation with your DP.

Of course he loves his Mum and of course his relationship with her is important, however his primary family is now you and the baby.

If he has to choose, he needs to choose you.

Once you’ve got that settled do your best to make sure he never (or very rarely) has to choose between you.

Be cheerful and polite but be happy to say “no” or disagree if necessary without guilt.

If she starts yelling at you feel free to politely and calmly leave her house.

She isn’t in charge. You are in charge of yourself and your child.

You are the gateway to her grandchild so you hold all the power here. You don’t necessarily need to ever exercise that power but I find it’s useful to remember it.

wombatron · 06/04/2018 18:49

If you don't want to change your locks, lock the door and leave your key in it from the inside when you're there. You can hide away if you don't want see her. But that won't stop her from doing it when you're out unfortunately.

We all have keys to each other's houses, and unless we're staying with that person we only use it after our arrival and are coming and going. It's a big breach of privacy.

It's the usual MN comment though I'm afraid... you don't just have a MIL issue... you have a DH issue also

LadyB49 · 06/04/2018 18:50

Yep, change the locks.
If she is difficult with you when your dp is out of the room could you discreetly record it on your phone.

wonderer13 · 06/04/2018 18:50

I have a mil like that and fil was just as bad... renamed my dd as they weren't happy with the name we picked, constant remarks on her weight, clothes, hair and how we as parents didn't know how to care for babies... it just got worse over the years and dh and i spent a lot of time arguing over them... they would play the health card every time dh approached them regarding thier behaviour towards me... in the end it got to a point where i stopped talking to them and kept the kids away
.. if they can't respect me they can't be around my kids... and dh got to a point where he had enough and told them to either sort themselves out or risk not having a relationship with the kids... don't take the crap... your baby doesn't need people like that around her...

Dragoner · 06/04/2018 18:51

Move. The way I get on with my inlaws is living in a different country.
Seriously, change the locks.

Feb2018mumma · 06/04/2018 18:56

My MIL always let herself in and did things. Let herself in Christmas eve when i was heavily pregnant, over heated and topless and didn't apologise. Since baby most annoying have been letting herself in and waking sleeping baby and letting herself in while I'm feeding him topless and sitting for 25 min watching because 'she doesn't mind' my boobs out!! Feel like is trouble to change locks as she would tell everyone I was mean and I had sameish where she bought up previous cancer scare when husband told her off for coming around and letting herself in while I slept and taking my dog or coming in my room! Hope my life shows it isn't just you and will follow post incase anyone has a resolution for us!!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2018 19:05

Have a talk with your husband and inform him you are changing the locks. Explain you can appreciate how difficult it is for him to deal with her, but enough is enough. You have every right to ensure your privacy in your own home. As for her temper tantrums, let her have them. You are not responsible for her reactions.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 06/04/2018 19:21

Change your locks, for a start. Any chance you can record her being rude to you when DP is out the room? Perhaps get a few snippets of spite to confront him with and get him to tackle her?
Say "no, now isn't convenient, I'll see you as agreed at x time on y date" and be very firm about her not staying.
Be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. Why is she fixated on you taking a tiny baby and all the associated stuff to hers? Hip ops or not, she sounds controlling.

Nomorechickens · 06/04/2018 19:31

No point in changing the lucks if your DP is just going to give her another key. You need to have a stern talk with him and get his agreement.

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2018 19:32

The resolution is to change the locks, make specific times for visits and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

But you have to do it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2018 19:35

Agree with others about changing the locks.

Would it work and could you manage to just stay breezy around her? Consider it practice for when your DG becomes a toddler. If she says "Oh I won't see you until X day" say something along the lines of "OK. If that's what you want." If she complains about having to knock, just laugh a little and say something like "No one lets themselves into other people's houses anymore, MIL." or "Better than scaring the living daylights out of me!" But don't be drawn into encouraging her to come around or apologising for her terribly difficult life.

Original poster
MummyPod88 · 06/04/2018 19:37

Thanks for the advice. We are in the process of buying a house together, as we currently live in my partners and I rented mine out. Ill be putting my foot down with the key and will need to harden up a bit and learn to walk away from the tantrums :-)

OP posts:
Juells · 06/04/2018 19:38

Change the locks and hide any spare keys so partner has only one.

BeyondThePage · 06/04/2018 19:43

"change the locks" - what is it with changing the bloomin locks on here - that costs money - around £170 per lock here.

Alternatively ask for the key.

GreenTulips · 06/04/2018 19:48

Depends on the the lock - you can do it yourselves cheaply.

You need to tell DH that X is upsetting you and your aren't happy that he allows this to continue.

GreenTulips · 06/04/2018 19:50

Sorry - should add. In effect youbjeep the conversation about you and how you feel rather than MIL

I feel upset when people barge In our home uninvited
I'm unhappy that jobs you could do are dont by others
I don't feel comfortable that we don't have control over who enters our house

Dragoner · 06/04/2018 19:52

around £170 per lock here.

Maybe for a locksmith/emergency locksmith.

I just went down the local DIY shop and did it myself. Quite easy and can't have cost me more than £20. Didn't take long either.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2018 19:54

If your lock would cost 170 to change, then it's less good advice to change them and a bit more effort in asking for the keys back may be warranted (you never know if she's made a copy though).

But my locks I could just swap the barrel out and that's closer to 25, which may well be worth it when they've had so much trouble asking for it back so far and probably need to get that power back before they've really developed their skills at standing up to her

Motherd · 06/04/2018 19:57

What you could do instead of changing the locks is get a house alarm fitted. Or if you already have one then change the code so that every time she tries to enter your home whilst you're not there then the house alarm will then go off. I'm sure she would soon hurry off home and wouldn't attempt to help herself into your home again! Worth a try! I really feel for you, you must be so paranoid about when she will next be letting herself in. It's a totally invading your privacy!Shock