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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To name my baby what I want?

52 replies

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:11

I had a little boy on Monday and he's been nameless since I learnt about the pregnancy. Myself and dp couldn't agree. With our dd he had his mom's name and I had my great grandma's name as it was better than what he wanted for her. So she has both sides of the family.

Ive always loved a particular name for a boy. An since I lost my brother a few years back, I want to include his name in ds's too.

Since we've bought ds home dp hasn't bothered to try and bond as he cries everytime he touches him. I'm doing everything. Everything for dd, ds and I'm not getting a break. Which I don't mind doing things for them. They're my children. But if he has to pick a child up, it'll be dd.
Im pissed off he's given up trying now. He's done one feed for ds and one nappy change cause it 'stresses him out if I pick him up'

Shall I just call him what I want being as though he won't bother?

OP posts:

Original poster

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:14

I should probably add, he thought of a name, I don't like it. He told me I couldn't use my brother's name yet the name he likes is from his family

OP posts:

ChelleDawg2020 · 06/04/2018 13:15

It depends on the name. If it's Adolf or something tainted by another person then perhaps discuss it further. Otherwise yes, go with the name you are happy with.

NapQueen · 06/04/2018 13:15

Just take him and get him registered. Let dp know afterwards and hopefully it will be a shock to pull his socks up.

What was he like when dd was born?

poddige · 06/04/2018 13:17

Sadly OP I think you've many more problems than naming your lovely DS. Do you have support from friends/family? Is DP otherwise helpful/kind, or just since DS was born?

Original poster

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:17

All over dd when she was born and still is. He is the one who wants to cosleep with her etc. I'm tempted to go sleep in the spare room to get some sleep. But always always all over dd. He had similar bonding issues with her with "she hates me. She just cried on me" but he kept trying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:21

He does things for dd. I came downstairs last night from putting dd to bed. Ds was in his moses and I then had "he needs a change" like why couldn't He do it?
I'm not going anymore into it it really upsets me now. I have loads of problems with him but I'm past caring about him, myself etc I'm only bothered about my children now

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 13:21

You should get more of a say as you the one who carried them in your womb for 9 months and went through labour for them.

He chose the name for your dd so you should definitely choose the name for DS and give him your brother's name.

Put your foot down OP. If he doesn't agree (and as he is a useless father who does nothing for his children), then I would leave him.

LaurieMarlow · 06/04/2018 13:22

I wouldn't go and register a name without telling him. Although he's behaving badly, that doesn't seem fair.

Why don't you give DS 3 names? The names you want plus one of his choosing?

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 13:22

But it's your children's sake you need to leave him.

They won't be happy if their mum's not happy.

Queenio24 · 06/04/2018 13:24

As tempting as it must be to just name your DS in these circumstances it's probably best if you try to initiate a conversation with him about the name, to try and agree it.

Mightymucks · 06/04/2018 13:27

But it's your children's sake you need to leave him.

For Christ’s sake. They’ve just had a new baby. The OP is stressed and he’s struggling to bond although apparently is good with DD and involved with her.

People rushing in going ‘LTB’ at a family who are clearly all struggling a bit right now is ridiculous and fucking destructive.

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 13:30

@Mightymucks

I'm not suggesting LTB because of this issue!

It's obvious from OP's post that this is latest in a long series of problems with her DP. She's so defeated that she has accepted that she needs to do everything for her DC.

In that situation, it is best to leave.

turnipfarmers · 06/04/2018 13:34

All over dd when she was born and still is. He is the one who wants to cosleep with her etc.

So he struggles to bond with his son but wants to co-sleep with his daughter? Hmm....that rings alarm bells here.

Original poster

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:35

? How does it?

OP posts:

turnipfarmers · 06/04/2018 13:36

If he has a favourite now then what is it going to be like when the OP's son is older and can see that his sister is his Dad's favourite and Dad doesn't bother with him?

Snowysky20009 · 06/04/2018 13:38

Congratulations!

I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Having a new baby is a big adjustment. Going from a family of 3 to 4.

Tell him how you feel and what you are seeing. Ask him how he is feeling. It's not unusual for dad's to get post natal depression type feelings, so maybe he is really struggling too.

On the other hand he could just be a douch bag. But only you know. Us strangers on the net don't.

But try and talk to him about a name. Don't just go off and register him. If he is struggling that will just be another hit.

Hope you are getting some support
From family too.

RedHelenB · 06/04/2018 13:38

For goodness sake ott reaction much turnip!

Agree a name together and let him look after dd while you have new baby to begin with.

FilledSoda · 06/04/2018 13:38

I think as you're unmarried your dp needs to be with you to register the baby if you want his name on the birth cert.

Juells · 06/04/2018 13:43

He worked at bonding with the the DD, after initial problems. He'll probably do the same with the new baby. Too soon to panic, I'd say. Don't agree to a name you don't want, though.

Dani240 · 06/04/2018 13:43

You've just had a baby and you have two under one, is that right? This is probably one of the most stressful situations that your family will ever go through. You're hormonal and exhausted and trying to settle into a new routine. I'd be surprised if you weren't experiencing some friction with your DP to be honest.

I think deliberately excluding him from something like your Ds's name is probably going to cause a lot of upset in an already difficult situation. You've got nearly six weeks to name him, how about you start calling him the name you like for now but leave the registration for when you're feeling calmer?

How about reaching out to him and letting him know that you feel that he's rejecting your son and how much that hurts and how much you need a break. Maybe give him three examples of things he could do to help you, and see how he does. Then in a few weeks you can revisit the name issue.

Congratulations by the way!

Original poster

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:44

Honestly I think he is struggling. I did bring it up yesterday I was worried we would have his and hers children. He assured me that he loved ds but felt like he kept stressing him out so thought it's best he didn't hold him etc as all he does is cry..
He said last night whilst I was getting dd to bed that he had him in his arms and as soon as ds realised it was him ( not sure if ds would've realised it was dp) he cried but was ever so happy before he 'realised'.
Ds will have his last name. Even if we are having some difficulties. It doesn't help both of us are depressed etc, we're a family and want to still be a family. We will figure out bumps I'm sure and I'm sure this is one as we've had other problems, money etc.
I just can't see ds with another name other than the one I like though. I'll bring up the idea of having the one he likes in there and see if that makes a difference

OP posts:

wellhonestly · 06/04/2018 13:45

tbf it's bound to be stressful adjusting to a new family member, especially if they cry whenever you touch them. He persevered with your daughter when she was tiny, I can understand it's probably easier from his point of view to keep caring for her at this time. But I think you should talk to him about persevering with the wee one.

Sorry that's nothing to do with the name! If you want him to include himself, don't exclude him. Whoever got first pick last time should get 2nd pick this time, but you should include both people's choices.

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2018 13:45

Yeah it really doesn't. OP said he struggled to bond his dd initially but kept trying and got there. Now he's finding the new baby difficult so is looking after the toddler. That's pretty normal. Maybe Op should give him a few more weeks before launching out into single parenthood.

OP I think you have to keep talking about the name until you find one you can both agree on.

nakedscientist · 06/04/2018 13:45

You sound tired and stressed and so does he, actually.

I don't know the backstory, but wouldn't closing a name together help you all to bond?

wellhonestly · 06/04/2018 13:46

Sorry op, cross-post. And congratulations!

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