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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To name my baby what I want?

52 replies

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 13:11

I had a little boy on Monday and he's been nameless since I learnt about the pregnancy. Myself and dp couldn't agree. With our dd he had his mom's name and I had my great grandma's name as it was better than what he wanted for her. So she has both sides of the family.

Ive always loved a particular name for a boy. An since I lost my brother a few years back, I want to include his name in ds's too.

Since we've bought ds home dp hasn't bothered to try and bond as he cries everytime he touches him. I'm doing everything. Everything for dd, ds and I'm not getting a break. Which I don't mind doing things for them. They're my children. But if he has to pick a child up, it'll be dd.
Im pissed off he's given up trying now. He's done one feed for ds and one nappy change cause it 'stresses him out if I pick him up'

Shall I just call him what I want being as though he won't bother?

OP posts:

Peppas · 06/04/2018 13:48

It needs to be a name you both like.

Imagine if this was a woman posting who was having an issue bonding and her dh was insisting on cutting her out of the naming decision...

troodiedoo · 06/04/2018 13:49

Good advice @Dani240

Congrats OP.

changemyname1 · 06/04/2018 14:02

You should get more of a say as you the one who carried them in your womb for 9 months and went through labour for them

No you shouldn't, it's just biology that women have babies, I'm sure if there was a choice then men would do so as well. Without the man there wouldn't be a baby it's 50 /50 decision/ compromise.

BlueSapp · 06/04/2018 14:13

It always took us weeks to decide on a name, you'll find one you both like and put your brothers name as a middle name, congratulations btw, its not easy with a newborn and a toddler.

BrendasUmbrella · 06/04/2018 14:13

Imagine if this was a woman posting who was having an issue bonding and her dh was insisting on cutting her out of the naming decision...

You say that like it hasn't happened. It has!

And oddly the comments are always ore measured in the man's favour over this issue. Of course you get the usual "You pushed the baby out, you get to name it" comments, but here too I see more of "You can't name the baby something he doesn't like" and very little acknowledging that he wants to name the baby a name she doesn't like. Women nearly always end up making the compromises.

Peppas · 06/04/2018 14:22

@brendas you must be reading different threads to me. I find comments are usually in the woman's favour (rightly so in the majority of cases).

Both parents need to compromise and the baby shouldn't be named something that either of them hate.

devoncreamtea · 06/04/2018 14:27

You don't need to decide anything now OP. It always took me weeks to find a name, it was all fine, no rush.

You sound knackered. Could you ask dp, to take charge of dd for a bit - do all her bedtime, food, fun, toilet ing etc while you have at least 1 week just focussing on baby and resting. Stay in your pjs this weekend and give yourself a chance to recover from birth and adjust to your new family. It takes time to feel settled and it is easy to think after the first that you should just be able to get it together, but each baby will cause adjustments in dynamics that everyone has to get to grips with. i think your partner sounds a bit nervous and worried about upsetting the baby. My partner was always a bit like that at first, but once the new baby felt less 'brand new' he was great. Those first weeks can be roller coasters, even though obviously new babies are very loved.

Mightymucks · 06/04/2018 14:27

OP posted yesterday too and she seems to be very stressed about everything and having a hard time recovering from the birth.

I think she needs to tell DH she needs a rest and he’s in charge for a few hours and she’s going to bed.

LeighaJ · 06/04/2018 14:30

I also agree with Dani240's advice.

Coyoacan · 06/04/2018 14:35

Sorry OP you have to choose a name that you both like or you risk alienating your husband further from his dd. I have an abusive ex that I didn't even put on the birth cert but I still wouldn't have chosen a name for her that he didn't like.

sockunicorn · 06/04/2018 14:36

It depends on the name. If it's Adolf or something tainted by another person then perhaps discuss it further. Otherwise yes, go with the name you are happy with.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 06/04/2018 15:06

So he struggles to bond with his son but wants to co-sleep with his daughter? Hmm....that rings alarm bells here

But it's your children's sake you need to leave him

If he has a favourite now then what is it going to be like when the OP's son is older and can see that his sister is his Dad's favourite and Dad doesn't bother with him?

Some of these replies are bordering on hysteria. Calm down people, the baby is 5 days old...I'm sure OP and DP will soon get themselves into a routine that works for them.

CaledonianQueen · 06/04/2018 15:36

I personally think that your dp is being cruel in not allowing you to have your brothers name as a middle name. That is something that I would insist on in your shoes. It sounds like your DP is very controlling and that you had zero say in your daughter's name. I would be inclined to tell your DP that as he didn't allow you input in naming your daughter, then it's only fair that you have the final decision with your ds.

As for your DP struggling to bond, I found this with my DH after our youngest was born, he had such a strong bond with ds and as ds was at a more fun age, he was 'bored' by the tiny baby stage. As dd got older (around about 2-3 months) he developed a very close bond. When speaking to friends, this seemed to be a common issue that wasn't talked about very often. I remember when pregnant worrying that I couldn't possibly love my second baby as much as my first, but of course as soon as I held dd in my arms I realised that my heart just grew bigger to encompass loving both children. I think my DH went through the stage I went through during pregnancy, during the first weeks/ months after dd was born. DH and DD are incredibly close now and DD is very much a Daddies girl. The first months of her life were difficult and scary (we had other relationship issues due to a narcissistic MIL trying to destroy our marriage at the same time) but we made it through them and are stronger than ever now.

Do speak to your DP, you have every right to a say in your child's name! If your DP is controlling in other ways, then I would carefully consider whether your DP is emotionally abusive. Hopefully I am reading the situation wrong, however, if I am not then I would carefully consider whether your relationship is healthy.

RachelTeeth · 06/04/2018 16:06

The kids are both getting his surname and he wants to pick the first name as well? Nah. One or the other. Surname or first name.

ohgodalmightywhatnext · 06/04/2018 16:09

You should get more of a say as you the one who carried them in your womb for 9 months and went through labour for them.

This kind of advice is shit.

You're no less of a parent because you're a father for fuck sake

BlancheM · 06/04/2018 16:26

Honestly, I wish I'd have put my foot down and chosen the names I really loved for my children. I wasn't 'allowed' but fast forward and their father doesn't even have much involvement in their lives. He wasn't fussed.
I really hope things turn out differently for you. But yes, in hindsight my advice would be to push for your preferred name.

Allthewaves · 06/04/2018 16:30

Wear one of dp's t shirts then get dp to put it on - smell could help baby settle with him

Allthewaves · 06/04/2018 16:31

What name does he like and what name do u like - mumsnet vote

Spanners1 · 06/04/2018 16:33

I don't think that you should name your son without agreeing with your DP. How was he during your pregnancy? Was it planned? Did he want another girl? The answers to these may help explain his behaviour now. He is obviously struggling to bond and I'm sure your exhausted. I think you need to talk to him. He probably feels awful and can't comprehend why he feels like this. Maybe speak to your HV for advice too. Take care and congratulations.

GreenTulips · 06/04/2018 16:33

You're no less of a parent because you're a father for fuck sake

Unless you're one who can't be arsed to change a nappy and provide a feed

Original poster

Twounder1 · 06/04/2018 17:22

He did want another daughter. We found out at 24 weeks with ds and he was hugely unplanned as dd wasn't very old. Our contraceptive failed.
With dd, she was planned after we were told I couldn't have children. Throughout her pregnancy he'd kiss my belly etc talk to bump, but then with ds it wasn't until the very end he started kissing my belly etc. But I think life just took over with dd too

OP posts:

Member984815 · 08/04/2018 11:25

I named all of our children , my husband had input for sure but I carried them for 9 months and pushed them out into the world so I thought I deserved the honour . When my dm had us my paternal grandmother tried to influence her to use family names but it didn't work.

RepealMay25th · 08/04/2018 11:28

But it's your children's sake you need to leave him

What utterly dickish advice.

Original poster

Twounder1 · 08/04/2018 16:51

Thank you all for your advice. We finally decided on a name we both like last night. My brother's name is his middle name too :)

OP posts:

BuntyII · 08/04/2018 16:59

Glad you came to a compromise. Don't worry, he'll get there.

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