DH forgetting plans

[Raven88]

First off I like to plan when I can get things done. I have issues with my back and shoulder. so I need my DH to help me. My DH has had the same day off for the past year and at the start of the week we discussed getting the shopping done and picking up other things.

Last night at 10pm he told me he was working today and couldn't pick me up after work meaning the big shop will have to wait till next Friday. Instead of arguing I just went to bed and ignored him and this continued until he took me to work. My other option is doing this myself and carrying it home. Which means I'll need to take my strong painkillers and I'll be sleepy the day after which I hate. I'm sore already and I want to cry in frustration.

I'm I BU to be upset about this. I feel like work comes first every time and he just thinks that our plans don't matter. I count on this one day off and it never changes. I am already feeling shit because of my time of the month.

You can read the nutritional information for every product online just like you can in the store. I often do and I use two separate supermarkets regularly.

It sounds like you just want to do things your way and for your dh to fall in line with that. When you say they are your plans are they your (plural) plans, i.e genuinely made and agreed upon together, are they your (plural) plans in that you (singular) have made them and they include both of you (plural) or are they just your (singular) plans for what you (singular) want to do and your husband's presence is required by proxy. The difference between the last two is whether your dh is happy for you to decide these things and relies on you to do so or whether he is reluctantly swept along.

If you have a clubcard then when you go online, you will be able to see 'favourites' that you usually buy so you'll know they're ok for you. Then just click no substitutes.
You've got a few different issues going on here. The shopping is easily solved - online order; top up shop. If DH complains about the food, then he goes out to get his own.
As for him not telling you about his shift change and dropping your plans at the last minute - tell him that's rude and unacceptable.
Then, there's you ignoring him. Also rude and unacceptable.
I have a bad back. I understand it's irritating and debilitating but there's no excuse for ignoring someone. And, also, tbh, no excuse for forcing your DH to shop for you when online shopping is so easy.

Why would it have been an argument though? Couldn't you both just rationally discuss the implications of your DH having to work today to come up with an alternative solution? Or is there a history of argument here?

@Stirner

The bulk of our finances comes from me. I work 14hrs a day 5 days a week.
He told me he just wanted to help out.

He’s being an inconsiderate arse not to tell you, as soon as he knows, that he’s working on his scheduled day off, irrespective of you needing a bit of extra help with stuff.

You say he won’t shop, then fine, order what you want online, tell him it’s there if he wants to add to it and get it delivered every Thursday night. Then you’ve got Friday to get any bits that were missing. There will generally be fewer ‘bits missing’ if you are ordering regularly as it’ll create a demand due to shortage. If he wants meat, or anything else, delivered he can add it to the order, if he doesnt, that’s his problem, stop pandering to his pathetic behaviour.

The first few shops can be a bit painful, but if you save it as your weekly order it’ll duplicate & you can then just delete or add the few different items you need each week.

You can select which items you want substitutes for and you can write a note. I make full use of this facility!

As for the ingredients, they’re all there on the internet, the same as in the store.

Does he pull his weight with housework, laundry etc? (Bearing in mind the hours you each work & your physical limitations).

@Raven88 - Maybe he realises this and wants to share the load by doing extra hours.

But, I think it's unfair to get the hump at him because he's working especially when there are easier options.

@Stirner my issue isn't him working extra it's him waiting until 10pm at night when I am up at 5 am.

YANBU - it's not really about the practicalities of the shop, it's about your DH letting you down when he knows you rely on him. I think you need to have a convo where you really spell out the problems it causes you when he changes plans. It may be that he feels he has to be flexible, in which case you can discuss alternative strategies to help you together. But you relying on him and him letting you down is no good!

@Rosielily If I say something negative to him he gets defensive and argumentative instead of talking to me. I want to talk calmly but he see it as an attack on him personally.

@Raven88
It looks as though there may be wider issues here then? Is he controlling, perhaps? How does he behave in other aspects of your life? General chores, finances and so on?

@Pimpernell182 I made the plans with him and he agreed. We had also discussed buy some things for the Cat and we decided Friday after I finish. I always ask him if he wants to do these things. I don't make plans and drag him along. He agreed to something and then forgot or just thought it would be ok to drop them.

No he isn't controlling he has had a rough life. He spent a lot of his childhood being blamed for everything so he is naturally defensive. He's a lovely husband and plan keeping is a small issue. He contributes and does the house when he has time after work but shopping has always been an issue. He worries he will get it wrong.

Forgot to @Rosielily in reply

I understand ignoring him so it didn't turn into an argument but I would look into online shop. I had to do that for a while and the added bonus was it kept my shopping bill down

I think spending the time getting used to online shopping might be a solution to needing him to help with the heavy stuff. I didn't know you could see all the ingredients which will be really helpful. He was inconsiderate but I didn't handle it well. He doesn't hold a grudge so I'll apologise for ignoring and move on. I'm just tired of plan making because he isn't a planner. I have to arrange everything and I'm exhausted with work.

is he controlling?

Oh FFS

Ask him to let you know more in advance if he changes the plan, so that you can rearrange things. It doesn't have to sound like criticism, you could say in a light and breezy tone "Can you give me a bit more warning if you decide to work please? Then I can rework things, and you can let me know if there's anything in particular that you want me to pick up."

Also, you must know the sort of things he gets every week. I don't eat meat, but I do know what my husband likes.

@Rosielily - "is he controlling?" The op sounds more likely to be controlling.

Only on mumsnet is "partner not asking how high when the op says jump" described as "controlling".

I'm thinking he left telling you till last minute because he knew exactly how you'd react. Therefore making the suffering lesser.

Online shop ftw. You can check ingredients easier actually, click on the products and it's all there. Known allergens are usually in bold

Yes it's a pain when plans get cancelled. I've been ditched over work before, cancelled holidays and days out, but I keep it in mind Its for the long term good of the family and vice versa, I've dropped everything or given up a day off to work.
Store it all up in the favour bank.

Simply trying to draw the OP out, as a domestic violence/abuse specialist in a former employment. All too often I read posts on forums such as these where a poster posts something relatively innocuous but a bit of probing reveals something more sinister going on. Some people feel comfortable discussing such matters protected by the relative anonymity afforded by the Internet. When the OP mentioned she was wanting to avoid an argument I was concerned. No offence intended and I shall back away from this thread now.

@Stirner I'm not controlling. I would love if my DH took the lead on household shops etc and didn't have to do it.