Am I ungrateful?

[oldmanriver1]

So. For DH birthday in October I made such a fuss, planned a day out, made a birthday treasure hunt to find his gifts etc etc. Got him a coat and a fit bit, bought him a cake and decorated the front room.

For my birthday, I was asked what I wanted as he had no clue. I said maybe some jewellery and I've been given a cheap bracelet (we share bank statements). Also, I was given a bottle of wine on behalf of our little one (shock - I've had this for Christmas, Mother's Day and now my first birthday as a mother).

I feel a little let down and disappointed. Am I being ungrateful and expecting too much?

You have to tell him!

OP these threads always descend into "well why would adults who love each other do nice for for one another. You don't get x once you're over 16 and if tippy have to, then do it ask yourself ascend barber moan to anyone".

The jewellery Is hard, DH bus something pretty irrespective of what its made out of so is usually more costume stuff. I've learnt to accept thought over my choice.

Do tou drink the wine? In the lead up, tell him you'd like something other than wine. You'd like a pice of gold (whatever you want) jewellery, you like vouchers for x experience. So clear direction without doing it for him

The treasure hunt was something to do with LO, but this is your first birthday as a mother. What did the LO and your DH get out of the treasure hunt?

Anyway, that aside, your present was rubbish. If he can't surprise you with good stuff and I accept that, you need to drop big fat clues well in advance.

One year, early in our relationship, my DH handed me my birthday present unwrapped, still in the carrier bag (from a very dull shop - not even a racey lingerie bag or something) he bought it in. I had words with him about that, and he's always wrapped presents since. He didn't do it because he doesn't care, he did it because it never occurred to him that it would be a problem - he wouldn't care if I gave him his present in a carrier bag.

I have found that the best thing is to have a conversation with your partner, and tell them what your expectations are. So if you want certain things each birthday, you have to tell him. My DH knows that I like it if he wraps my presents, gets in a cake, and I like us to have a special lunch or dinner together. Equally, I've said what I like for Valentines Day (just a nice meal at home together usually) and our anniversary and mothers day. I know what he likes for these occasions too - my expectations are higher than his - he'd happily never celebrate any of these things. But our partners aren't mind readers, and their expectations may differ greatly from ours - you can't expect them to hit your expectations if you've never explicitly told them what they are. My OH does need to have things spelt out to him, or he'll assume I feel the same as he does - which is rarely the case.

First one as a mum could mean lo is 11.5 months so old enough to enjoy following daddy and joining in umwrapping presents. Could also mean they adopted and lo is plenty old enough to enjoy

Tell him, otherwise you have a lifetime of bottles of wine ahead of you.

Communicate, OP, tell him. Pointless moaning on here, moan to him. Or next time it’s his birthday, completely bloody ignore it.

Totally lazy on husband’s behalf-have you told him how much it bothers you?

If you haven’t, then do,?as he should know how you feel.

Treasures hunts for the over 11s are a bit unnecessary though.

Actually I do think men are often shit with presents, but it's not because they have a penis. It's because it's one more thing that women tend to sort out and that many men don't even think about. A bit like all those men who apparently 'don't see' mess.

If presents are important to you, tell him, and make it clear that you'll only tell him once. If he doesn't listen, then I'd be cross because it suggests someone who really doesn't care enough about you to put a bit of effort into something that is important to you. I don't care much about presents, but I do care about being given token shit like perfume (never wear) bath products (only ever showered in 15 years of marriage) and random books in which I have no interest. It shows a lack of care and I hate the waste. To avoid future issues, I just said no more presents please. DH then got his act together and began to buy things I genuinely wanted/needed, but if he hadn't I would have simply stopped buying for him.

Do less for DH. Ask him for what you want more directly. Save the treasure hunt for DC.

I don’t think you’re being ungrateful but I think you have quite big expectations on birthdays with what you did for DH.
Just let him know that you would appreciate some thought put in for a gift and also don’t go overboard on future birthdays so you don’t feel hard done by.

Stop doing anything for him for his birthday. Tell him not to buy you wine. Take back the bracelet. I'd just tell I don't like it.

Tbf my lo is 11 months and would enjoy it. So if ops child is a similar age then it's possible for them to enjoy it.

My DH is absolutely shit at buying me presents (a measuring jug was a particular low!) so I now just send him the amazon link for what I want and if he wants to buy me anything else that's fine - I'm happy and he's happy.

This is me. Dh loves buying prrsents, he buys all the Christmas presents and dc birthday presents and of course fab ones for mine. He organised an amazing long weekend away for my 40th.

I just bloody hate doing it and he has to give me a detailed list which I pick a few things from and get him.

You say the treasure hunt was to do with the little one but it's your first birthday as a mother so the little one won't have known what was going on surely?

You just see birthdays differently. I don't think you can expect anyone to celebrate at the level you choose to- it's very extreme for an adult.