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Original poster

Am I ungrateful?

66 replies

oldmanriver1 · 06/04/2018 07:49

So. For DH birthday in October I made such a fuss, planned a day out, made a birthday treasure hunt to find his gifts etc etc. Got him a coat and a fit bit, bought him a cake and decorated the front room.

For my birthday, I was asked what I wanted as he had no clue. I said maybe some jewellery and I've been given a cheap bracelet (we share bank statements). Also, I was given a bottle of wine on behalf of our little one (shock - I've had this for Christmas, Mother's Day and now my first birthday as a mother).

I feel a little let down and disappointed. Am I being ungrateful and expecting too much?

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 06/04/2018 08:28

YANBU. (But tbh I'd knock the treasure hunts and decorated living rooms on the head. He's an adult and you do not want the scenario of his sulking that his dc got a bigger fuss when they are older and want (and deserve) this kind of fuss and you, rightly, won't have the energy to do it for him as well).

My dh is great in almost all ways but dreadful with presents and it's taken a lot of upset and ruined birthdays to get him to begin to understand. It still hurts, tbh, but I've found an accommodation with it and he is beginning to get it more right more often. He thinks nothing of his birthday, FWIW, and would genuinely prefer to have no gifts and no fuss, though I almost always do something.

I would sit your dh down, tell you the lack of thought is hurtful for you and the amount of fuss you went to for him is indicative of what you would ideally like him to do for you. Have a conversation. If it transpires that he doesn't feel he can or will do that, come to some kind of agreement - you get a day off to please yourself/vouchers from a specific place/breakfast in bed/he makes a cake or books a restaurant. If he then doesn't bother, then it's him, iyswim.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/04/2018 08:28

Easy answer - do as much for his birthday/Christmas/Father's Day as he does for yours.

Bluelady · 06/04/2018 08:29

A bloody treasure hunt? I do hope he laughed. I'd think you were bonkers.

keepingbees · 06/04/2018 08:30

I don't think you're ungrateful, I've had similar with my DH and it's the lack of thought and effort that's hurtful.
I think you did do rather a lot for his birthday though (unless it was a big one)
Is it possible he just didn't have as much time to plan/buy something?
I would be honest how you feel though, in a tactful way, otherwise you will end up with the same again. And if he just can't be bothered then take a leaf out of his book on his next birthday.

jaseyraex · 06/04/2018 08:32

You're expecting too much because you do so much for his special occassions. I'm assuming he's put in this amount of effort since the beginning? If you want the same effort given back to you then you need to tell him that, otherwise stop doing so much for him on his birthday if it bothers you that you don't get it in return. As for the gifts, have a word about the wine. But in regards to the bracelet, you said you wanted jewlery and he got you jewlery. I wouldn't moan about that no matter how "cheap".

Locotion · 06/04/2018 08:38

I'm sorry OP, I don't know why people are being sneery about a treasure hunt - it is a lovely idea! I don't think you are being ungrateful - my ex used to get me terrible/non-existent presents. I think he did not love me enough to care. I am sure that is not the case for all men who deliver poor presents but in my case it was a sign of bigger problems.

Angrybird123 · 06/04/2018 08:40

I disagree about the bracelet..assuming they've been together some time he should be able to work out that she never wears silver or gold or whatever it was..I don't think it's really too much to ask and there is a huge difference between some piece of tat from Accesorise and some actual proper jewellery. If he was really stuck he could have suggested a morning out shopping for it together with a nice coffee or brunch. there are many things in life that some people find easier than others...it just means you need to put in a bit more effort, not just be crap and let people down.

RafikiIsTheBest · 06/04/2018 08:42

I'm definitely an adult and have been for years but would quite like a present treasure hunt! Pretty sure my DP would like one too!

My DP is also shit at gifts. But he shows his love in different ways than gift buying so I try not to get annoyed.

LiteraryDevil · 06/04/2018 08:45

I totally get the treasure hunt with the little one. My stbexh would have loved that.
I do t tho k you're ungrateful and understand how you feel. My ex Bf bought me a Fitbit for Valentine's Day. It was the chunkiest one possible when he knows I only wear dainty things and I took offence to the underlying message that I was fat. Something that he'd said before. I am a healthy weight (unlike him who is obese, anyway...) When I was upset about it I got loads of grief about how ungrateful I was. I'd bought him something romantic and out lots of thought into it, very personal card etc. My card from him was ore-printed and didn't even have my name in it. He didn't understand at all and said I was so ungrateful and claimed he'd put a lot of effort in to it. Just one of the many reasons he's my ex!
Explain how you feel and be more specific next time as to what you'd like. I know it would be nice to be given something that's a surprise that is exactly the kind of thing you'd love but I'm not sure this is realistic as a lot of people are just crap when it comes to presents.

ravenmum · 06/04/2018 08:46

Is it always the woman who has this sort of problem, not the man? I don't think I've ever heard a man complaining that he gets better presents than his wife/gf. I also don't think I've ever got an amazing present from any of the men in my life, including my own father :) but I'm pretty sure he loves me a lot.

Springsnake · 06/04/2018 08:54

Hi op ,it was my birthday recently too..he asked what I wanted.i said I've put some bits in my amazon basket for you to choose from...On the day I unwrap a tee shirt and a jumper both clearly 2 sizes to small for me.and nothing like what I usually ware ..he did the same at Xmas and my daughter had my to small tee shirts...mine does it on purpose,I think he likes to hurt me

QueenOfMyWorld · 06/04/2018 11:21

I'm more thoughtful present wise than dh when comes to special occasions but he writes meaningful things on my cards which is lovely.Pick your battles if that's the way he is he's unlikely to change.

QueenOfMyWorld · 06/04/2018 11:21

In my cards not on

PrettyLittIeThing · 06/04/2018 11:26

Another one cringing at the treasure hunt.

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 11:39

I would match his level of effort on his next birthday / Xmas.

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 11:40

What's cringey about DH and OP's child having fun finding his presents together? Kids love to be involved in their parents birthdays.

Original poster
oldmanriver1 · 06/04/2018 11:52

I don't know why a man and his child doing a treasure hunt together is embarrassing 🙈

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/04/2018 11:56

If it’s your first birthday as a Mum I gues the child is under 1 though?

Tbh it simply sounds like your at complete opposite ends of the birthday spectrum. I find adults going as OTT for an adults birthday as you do rather odd and certainly fall closer to your DH end of being bothered about adult birthday

Original poster
oldmanriver1 · 06/04/2018 12:00

Well he was happy to have a huge fuss for his and isn't prepared to make any fuss back. That's all I was trying to get it.

Call me odd for thinking it would be nice to have a bit of thought put into what I'd like as a gift. I don't want a massive hoooo-haaa. Just a bit of consideration.

Never mind eh!

OP posts:
DobbyisFREE · 06/04/2018 12:01

I'm definitely an adult and have been for years but would quite like a present treasure hunt! Pretty sure my DP would like one too!

Same here, sounds very fun!

Some people need a bit of extra help coming up with ideas.

My dp is useless when I say "Just surprise me" but if I say "I'd like a daytime activity with you and a boozy celebration later on" then he's brilliant, I still get a surprise but he's clear on expectations. We've also agreed a rough gift price years ago so neither of us are ever disappointed.

He does moan about thinking of surprises because I insist on being surprised but my response is usually "If you can't think of anything just google it or check my HUGE Amazon wishlist"

Sirzy · 06/04/2018 12:01

Was he actually happy to have a huge fuss or did he go along with it for you? There is a difference

Katkin14 · 06/04/2018 12:02

My husband is the same. I chivvy him along or book things myself. There is very little surprise involved, but I get to do and receive lovely things without feeling disappointed or resentful.

OneStepSideways · 06/04/2018 12:04

I think making a big thing of birthday surprises as an adult is a bit strange. Nice if you enjoy decorating and baking, but childish to assume it should be done for you.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2018 12:05

If someone, especially someone close, asks you what you would like for your birthday, they are giving you a choice. You can be vague, give them hints and set yourself up for disappointment and feeling unloved. Or,you can realise that they mean what they say, they would like to give you 'exactly' what you want, so you are perfectly happy, and tell them what you would like.

Surprises never end well, in my experience. however well meant. Oh, and you could ask in return what your partner would like for his birthday. You have been guessing, I think its much more likely to be successful to ask.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2018 12:08

Oh, and I honestly think that valuing the effort put into presents is charming in the under 5s, any children really. Once you have control of your own money, i find it infantilising to want someone to put 'effort' in, rather than getting or doing exactly want you would like.

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