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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for help phrasing this?

51 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 05/04/2018 23:29

Posting.for traffic as I'm planning on having this conversation tomorrow.

We found out yesterday that I'm expecting a daughter. MIL openly expressed her disappointment that out firstborn was a boy, and has openly been much more excited about number 2 being a girl.

Here lies the issue, she's already on about buying loads of frilly dresses and socks, loopy cardigans, and pompom bonnets. None of this is my taste, it's not good quality clothing, and it's not practical (we spend a lot of time out and about, do messy play, use the wrap A LOT) so fancy dolly type clothes just aren't suitable. If she spends a fortune on them, and we don't put her in them she will complain, so I want to cut it off at the root. I don't however want to offend her. We don't always see eye to eye, and I spend a large amount of time wanting to scream at/about her. We're just very different people, but when I'm calm I can see she means well, she just has completely different priorities attitudes to parenting from me.
How would people politely but firmly phrase that they would rather she didn't go out and spend a fortune on clothes better suited to a porcelain doll? Happy to compromise on pink everything even though I wouldn't choose it myself, I don't want to take all of the joy out of buying for her grandchild, but I'd like to request practical items such as all in ones, leggings with tops and cardies, fuzzy socks or warm booties for the sling. All can be girly and practical .

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2018 23:39

They're just clothes. Let it go.

If you don't want to put them on the baby then don't.

Unless you live with her or see her on a daily basis, I'm sure you can ride it out. Or take the odd photo.

Or just thank her and point her in the direction of clothes that are more to your taste.

But try not to make a mountain out of a molehill on this.

moaningminnie123 · 05/04/2018 23:43

Maybe have a conversation about stuff you've started buying for the baby and emphasise that you like practical stuff and why etc. Or just put her in the frilly stuff for messy play and show MIL the result :)

Ssssurvey · 05/04/2018 23:48

A gift is a gift and although they are not always welcome, I don't think it is very fair to dictate. I understand where you are coming from but this is a battle that is not worth fighting

Jadoo · 05/04/2018 23:50

I wouldn't raise it. Just graciously accept it, she's being kind after all. If she questions why she never sees her in the clothes, you can subtly say oh it wasn't suitable for whatever you were doing etc.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 05/04/2018 23:51

WorraLiberty we're talking over £100 for one outfit, so that's several hundreds in clothes that I wouldn't even accept. It would be a waste, cause a row (she can be very prickly and very forceful over things) She has another GD a few months younger than DS. Her Mam loves that style, she can buy it all for her. It may seem like mountain and molehill, but I wasn't clear over a baby walker, and there was literally a family row over it. I'm trying to avoid a repeat performance because I just can't be arsed to be frank.

OP posts:

cupcakesandglitter · 05/04/2018 23:51

I disagree, I definitely think you should have the conversation. At the end of the day, it's stuff that you don't want or like that's just taking up space in your house, and it's your daughter - you can dress her how you like and I don't think you should have to put up with MIL complaining down the line that she's never dressed in the stuff. Maybe direct the conversation more towards if you see something you like you'll let her know? It's a sensitive subject definitely but I think it'd be best to nip it in the bud now

GrumpyPantz · 05/04/2018 23:52

People bought my DC loads of unsuitable clothes. I prefer adult style clothes like tiny jeans and tshirt, I have no desire for cutesy childish clothes with teddy bears or badly fitting hand knitted outfits. Older people in particular seem to think that babies should be dressed in white and pale blue/pink rather than the more modern navy/grey/black I'd prefer. I just accepted gifts graciously, dressed DC in them for a photo and then put them in the recycling bag. I know it's a waste and it's tempting to think that the money wasted on those items could have bought something you wanted, but you can't really tell people what to give as gifts. But if you think MIL is going to waste a fortune then get DP to broach the subject!

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 05/04/2018 23:53

I should have refreshed before posting. Were not talking supermarket/next prices here. One dress she bought for DS's cousin was £85, plus matching socks, knickers and bonnet. I can't accept things to that value that won't even be used.

OP posts:

WishingOnABar · 05/04/2018 23:56

Can you find an opportunity to have a brochure of ugly frilly things in and just make an off hand comment along the lines of “urgh these frilly dresses are so old fashioned, I would never dress DD in something like that”?

DairyisClosed · 06/04/2018 00:00

Will send actually notice if you don't use it? I have had some truly ridiculous clothing gifted for my children. I just haven't used them. Ultimately it's her money to spend how she wants I suppose.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 06/04/2018 00:01

Wishing in theory yes, but that's what her other granddaughter wears a lot (MIL buys a lot, and her Mam makes them). I don't want to offend.

For those saying you can't dictate a gift, I wasn.t planning on. We kept everything from DS, so we don't actually need anything. I was thinking more about orchestrating a conversation about practical but girly clothes, as she's said she's excited to shop for clothes, rather that say 'I want this'.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 06/04/2018 00:03

Dairy, yes she would. We have a secret Facebook group just for family. We post pictures and videos almost daily, it would be very obvious x

OP posts:

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 06/04/2018 00:03

You either suck it up or you have the conversation and she's free to choose to be offended if she so desires. Personally I'd say it now and be done with it otherwise you could have years of her wasting a fortune on outfits you won't use and then sulking or causing a row when she doesn't see them on her dgd. It's all very well to say leave her to it but it's sickening to see such waste and on top of that it sounds like you'll always be waiting for her to kick off!

Just tell her you know she's delighted about the new dgd but some of the things she's said she intends buying are not to your taste. It's very nice of her to offer but you couldn't possibly let her waste her money on clothes your dd won't wear. Any arguments about how lovely or not these items are can be met with "they're not to my taste, I like .........." Rinse and repeat.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 06/04/2018 00:06

That's the kind of thing I'm aiming for Coco. I probably haven't explained myself very well, you seem to have done a better job. It's not the clothes as such that I want to avoid, it's the resulting row!

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/04/2018 00:07

How about saying that it’s lovely stuff and you are happy to have one or two bits for best. However as DD will probably be charging around after DS getting into a mess as soon as she is able, you are going to use more hard wearing stuff day to day so the nice stuff doesn’t get ruined.

nokidshere · 06/04/2018 00:31

Just tell her calmly and politely.

Mil I know you love buying stuff for your granddaughter but I really don't like dresses and fancy clothes. Please don't waste your money on things that I will take to the charity shop unworn. If you still feel like shopping (this) is the sort of stuff that would love to see my daughter in, what do you think?

That's all and then don't discuss it or waste headspace on it again. Or say nothing and seethe for the next 10 yrs. or say nothing, thank her for gifts and bag up in the loft

GrumpyPantz · 06/04/2018 00:47

My mum is fairly easy going and doesn't like to waste money, so if she buys stuff I don't like she's happy to be told and swap it for stuff that will get used. DH's mum, on the other hand, is a huffy cow and would kick off if I didn't like something she bought. So I just let her buy stuff that DC will never wear and take it to the charity shop unworn. It's a disgraceful waste but not worth the aggro to try and speak to her about it. Only you know which type your MIL is!

IncyWincyGrownUp · 06/04/2018 00:56

Just very calmly and without emotion say that if she buys impractical clothes they will never be worn.

Don’t say “they’re nice but...” or that you’ll take a few things “for best” because they are openings for arguments.

Just say you will not be dressing your daughter in those sort of clothes. Any clothes of that sort that are given as gifts will be donated to ‘x’ charity/sold on eBay.

Plumsofwrath · 06/04/2018 00:57

How about asking her to buy something for an important occasion (christening, bringing home from hospital, first birthday, family photo or whatever) and ask her to not buy anything else. Tell her you want her to spoil the baby for that occasion but otherwise you want to keep her in cheap, practical, easy to wash clothing that can go in and out of sling/ car seat/ stroller. Feel no shame in saying your day to day life doesn’t leave space for special clothes; that it’s onesies and leggings all the way.

Let her have her way for that one special occasion. She’s a proud grandma, there will be plenty of special occasions to go around. Plus, it’ll be a good one for when she’s got her first bf over 👍🏼

balljuggla · 06/04/2018 01:05

Wow, spending that much money on baby clothes is a bit bonkers anyway! They'll grow out of them in no time and probably puke on them while they do fit...
Maybe frame the conversation around the fact that you're looking forward to doing outdoorsy/messy activities and that you 'need' suitable outfits for this? It does sound though like she'll go ahead and buy what she wants anyway!
Maybe dress DD in the outfits, take some nice photos and put them in a pretty frame for her as a gift? That way she sees the clothes in use without you having to dress your baby in them all the time?
Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations!

allchangenochange · 06/04/2018 01:14

Maybe something like, " xx's outfits are really sweet but they really wouldn't work for our lifestyle. I would love one to see what dd looks like in them but please don't get more as she won't have a chance to wear them and it would be a waste"
I understand what you are trying to do.

MarthasGinYard · 06/04/2018 01:22

Are they designed by Thelma Madin

I probably wouldn't say anything.

How tacky spending silly amounts on frilly tat.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 06/04/2018 09:56

Thanks for the input ladies. She won't be Christened, and we didn't do a naming ceremony or anything of the like for DS (the thought didn't occur) so I wouldn't have thought we'd do anything like that for DD. We already have her first outfit (hopefully won't need to 'come home' as we're planning a home birth :-) ) as we bought one from the same place DS's was from. I'm sure we can come up with something though if things get too awkward.
Martahs I didn't know who she was, but I had a google, and that's the kids of level we're looking at I didn't want to be that blunt in case anyone on the thread likes all of the frills, but that's also my opinion. DS was always in easy wash, non-iron clothes (all in white for the tiny size so I could fling it all in one wash). DD will be in the same. We're out and about most days, and we're not getting a double pram so she'll likely be in the wrap most of the time until DS is big enough to walk everywhere. She'll need leggings and warm something for her feet. No way would I take a little one to the park or to an art/messy play group in an £80 odd dress! (Or likely a dress at all if I'm honest).
I think I'm going to go with 'there just won't be the chance to wear them' rather than 'I won't put her in them' as it feels less confrontational.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 06/04/2018 10:03

I also bought a couple of cardigans yesterday, DS was born in spring, DD will be born in August so even though we kept everything we'll need a few new bits. I'll take them through to show her. Hopefully she'll be able to find something to scratch the girly shopping itch that will actually get worn.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/04/2018 10:04

Peapod
If your MIL insists on putting your DD in one of these frilly outfits then accidently send DS in her direction with jammy/chocolatey hands and hopefully your MIL will see why you prefer practical clothing.

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