AIBU to ask for help phrasing this?

[PeapodBurgundy]

Posting.for traffic as I'm planning on having this conversation tomorrow.

We found out yesterday that I'm expecting a daughter. MIL openly expressed her disappointment that out firstborn was a boy, and has openly been much more excited about number 2 being a girl.

Here lies the issue, she's already on about buying loads of frilly dresses and socks, loopy cardigans, and pompom bonnets. None of this is my taste, it's not good quality clothing, and it's not practical (we spend a lot of time out and about, do messy play, use the wrap A LOT) so fancy dolly type clothes just aren't suitable. If she spends a fortune on them, and we don't put her in them she will complain, so I want to cut it off at the root. I don't however want to offend her. We don't always see eye to eye, and I spend a large amount of time wanting to scream at/about her. We're just very different people, but when I'm calm I can see she means well, she just has completely different priorities attitudes to parenting from me.
How would people politely but firmly phrase that they would rather she didn't go out and spend a fortune on clothes better suited to a porcelain doll? Happy to compromise on pink everything even though I wouldn't choose it myself, I don't want to take all of the joy out of buying for her grandchild, but I'd like to request practical items such as all in ones, leggings with tops and cardies, fuzzy socks or warm booties for the sling. All can be girly and practical .

I'm sympathetic OP! I don't have kids yet but I fear the onslaught of pink frills if I ever have a girl.

If the outfits are forthcoming I would say something like:

It's so kind of you to have treated her to such a special outfit but we probably won't get much use out of it because we would be scared to ruin it given that DD will havs just as active and messy a life as her brother! We would hate for you to spend any more money on something she won't use but if you would like to buy her clothes, [preferred brand] would be ideal. Please don't think we are ungrateful as we so appreciate your generosity - we just can't bear the thought of you presents going to waste'

Hopefully that will sink in!

I would let her buy a few things. It's her money and if she gets pleasure in buying expensive outfits that's up to her.

After a few gifts just say 'we have enough party dresses now, thanks. They are not very practical and we don't use them.'

I'd just let Mil buy whatever she wants to. You don't need to put the clothes on your child. Wait till shes outgrown them, then bung in Charity shop.
You can't really dictate what someone else spends their money on and if it makes her happy, leave her to it.
I couldnt be bothered with confronting her!

Chazs she's seen the state DS is most of the time, she should know what kind of family we are. You'd never guess he has a bath every night (a lady once looked in his pram, and snorted in disgust' ugh is that baby ever clean?' We used to nip in the supermarket on the way home from messy play, so he was always set in, haha).

I like that phrasing Cats. I don't want to spoil the shopping I know she desperately wants to do. A psychic told her my OH was going to be a girl, she bought pink EVERYTHING, and he came out a boy. She was heartbroken (poor OH). She's craved a daughter and never got one. I just can't stand the thought of the waste if she buys all of the frills and fuss she buys for her other granddaughter, and I can't face what I know from past unwanted gifts will end up in a row with me getting plagued with messages from the family and several of her friends over how I've upset her, and about how all of their kids do/say/have/wear such and such, and they're fine. It may sound dramatic over a few dresses, but I speak from experience! haha

I was going to say leave it/get on with it too til you mentioned the ridiculous prices. So I think the "never get a chance to wear it" excuse is great. My Mil did similar in that she bought what I thought were hideous clothes for my dd when I was pregnant. A big fluffy pink all in one coat thing which looked like a rabbit , pink this that and the other. I remember thinking I'd never dress her in any of it! But as it turned out we did use it all and she looked quite sweet bundled up in the pink fleecy lined all in one thing ! Not sure I'd have had the patience or inclination to dress her in fancy dresses and bonnets though!

MakeitRain this is it. If it's not to my taste, I can bung her in it when we visit her, the same as I did with bits that were bought for DS or for the odd photo. I can't be doing with trying too bundle a baby in a dress with a net petticoat FFS! into a wrap, then try to keep her bare legs warm because she's wearing socks that look like shire horse hooves rather than leggings.

I wouldn't put an outfit on my dc to placate someone else, not even for 5 mins. I can't stand frilly/sequin shit or handmade cardigans, my dm knows this, so wouldnt ever buy it. My grans both are knitters, they were made aware of my dislike and were encouraged to knit for the scbu instead.

Be brave and get her told

We had to deal with this when I had DD. MIL and SIL turned up with bags full of frilly tutu's, bows that were bigger than DD's head, lots of pink things with glitter and sequins, baby Ugg boots, stuff that isn't to my taste at all. Not only was it all completely impractical but they'd left the price tags on everything (deliberately, I'm sure) and I couldn't get over the cost of the stuff!
I didn't say anything as I couldn't face the inevitable row it would have caused. I was recovering from a long and complicated birth and struggling to get to grips with breastfeeding so didn't have the energy for any drama. I just said "thank you" and then when they'd left I bagged all the stuff up again, put it away and it went to the charity shop not long after. They obviously got the message when they never saw her in any of the things they bought as they don't buy her clothes anymore.
I know it probably seems ungrateful of me to give the stuff away but the way I saw it, they'd known me for over ten years so would have been fully aware that those things would not be to my taste and chose to buy them anyway because it fits with their very rigid ideas of what a little girl should look like. I'm not going to dress my child up in ridiculous, uncomfortable clothes to please someone else. She's a person not a doll.

I would just start dropping some hints in front of MIL about how you can't stand pink frilly stuff. If she chooses not to take the hint and still buys it anyway then just say thank you and quietly get rid of it.

eBay most of the clothes and buy alternatives which you prefer and stick the rest in a savings account. Save a couple of outfits for visiting Granny.

Why don't you just point her in the direction of some brands that do 'special' outfits that suit your style that can come from her?

For example caramel or bonpoint or Marie Chantal do great cashmere legging and top sets. They can go in the machine but will keep her cosy and be great in a sling in autumn and winter.

Or slightly less frilly but colourful and comfy.. frugi does those tights and cord dress sets.

My Sister had this problem with my DM years ago. DM was a great dressmaker but had to be restrained from going to buy out the nearest fabric store of anything pink, shiny or remotely girly. My Sister put her DD in brown and dark green chunky knits which almost gave DM the vapours but she did calm down and got the message resulting in her making some brilliant outfits which were subsequently worn by both DNs.

I think you just have to tell her straight and show her what you do like.

I think it's best to have the conversation now before she spends any money. Be very clear. If you think she really wants to buy stuff, give her a catalogue or shop name that you like, 'this stuff is lovely but we could never afford it...if you REALLY want to buy dd a treat something from there would be nice, but there's no need, honestly'
and I wouldn't ever dress the baby is something you don't like, it just gives an opportunity for more aggro- if she wore it for X's birthday, why not for Y's birthday/christmas/easter etc it will be never ending. Instead if she buys something you hate, and you are confident you made yourself clear, say 'Oh, MiL, don't you remember, I told you this sort of thing is no good for DD. Do you want to see if you can get your money back? I really don't want you wasting your money like that'
I think the key is to make sure she has heard and understood what you prefer. If she chooses to ignore it that is her look out.
I say this only because of the obscene amount of money involved. If we were talking £10 on a pink frilly dress I would say let it go.

You have to be honest- very sorry MIL, but you know my taste is the opposite of SIL's, baby will be in practical, neutral-coloured clothing exclusively.
You could say your raising them as gender neutral.... and call baby Alex, Sam, or Rowan so she believes you!

Mil: I’m so pleased you’re excited about the new baby and that you are looking forward to buying her stuff. So’s you don’t spend money on stuff she’ll never wear, which would just make me feel awful, here’s a list of little outfits I’ve picked out which I’d absolutely love and think baby DD will look smashing in.

I think the conversation went well, I buttered her up a little, letting her have a longer than usual maul of the bump even though it makes my skin crawl, and I got her copies done of all of the scan pictures we've had so far. I took the cardigans I bought yesterday, and showed her a picture of some booties we bought on sale a few weeks ago. She made it very easy as she said she was going into town tomorrow to buy some bits, but followed it with 'but you don't like frills do you?'. I've said to knock herself out on buying pink, but we'd prefer rompers and dungarees to too many dresses so she can wear them in the sling, and pointed out that we aren't planning on a double pram so she'll be spending a significant amount of time in there. She mentioned some home knit carries she had done for her other granddaughter with matching pompom bonnets. The cardigans were lovely, so we've gratefully accepted the offer of a couple of those, but got around the bonnets by pointing out that I would end up with a mouthful of pompom, so she's ordering booties to match instead, which us something we need and will use.

I think we've reached a point we're both happy with.

"MIL, just in case you were thinking of buying any clothes for DD - and don't feel you need to at all - we are planning on dressing her in simple, practical stuff, nothing OTT. You have a good idea of the sort of thing we liked for DS, so similar to that."

Ah, just saw your update, sorry!

Well done Op, compromise saves the day.

Very well handled. Sounds like an excellent solution.

Not sure if anyone is still about to share my pain, but it would seem the conversation with MIL didn't go as well as I thought....

‘MIL it’s really kind of you to be thinking about buying outfits for dd but we will be using the sling a lot and I really like simple, comfortable baby outfits so may I show you x catalogue/ website for the sort of stuff we’d love to receive?’

Also keep it to a minimum as ‘DS grr so fast we had clothes he never even wore’.

And ‘so lucky you have dgd to dress in girly frilly clothes even though we won’t be doing that.’ to finish up.

If she then buys the stuff anyway I’d regretfully give it back saying you did explain this wouldn’t work for you. Or just allow one or two so she can play dolly dressups occasionally.

Sorry, just read your final comments. Sounds like she’s a force to be reckoned with.

Ok, I would hate the obvious preference for a girl rather than a boy.

But I couldnt get worked up about someone who loves the child wanting to buy clothes, that are not to your specifications. Those cardigans look like the sort of thing my gran would have been busily knitting for babies that were due in the family. Are they to my taste? No. But I would use them anyway, her heart is in the right place.

Sorry, haven't read the full thread but have read about your chat with mil and the picture.

Sounds like we have very similar mils. I'm currently overdue and don't know what we're having. However my mil is obsessed with the idea of me having a girl. She's on about going clothes shopping when "she's" here so she can buy cute dresses and frilly things. I detest all things girly and frilly, and I hate pink! I'd be happy with a boy or a girl but girl's clothing really annoys me!
My mil and I are really close and I love her to bits so I will be really blunt with her if I have a girl.
Sometimes bluntness is the only way. I'd hate for her to spend a ton of money on clothes I'd never put baby in. She's another one who loves her expensive, designer clothes. Rompers, dungarees, babygrows etc all the way!

Show her Frugi, Maxomorra's websites. Lovely clothes there!