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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off with NIL

37 replies

Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 21:09

I gave birth to ds on Monday. It was a very difficult birth. I had to deal with shoulder dystocia with my first and again with ds but much much worse with him. Thankfully he's okay. Just a bit bruised and battered. My poor little boy. I did it without pain relief and I'm really feeling it now. Ugh.
Anyway, he was early, but term and from my family I've had nothing but support. We didn't announce his birth aside from main family members as we wanted a few hours with him to ourselves. Which I don't think is unreasonable. Last time with dd we were spam phone called by DP's nan (NIL is nan in law, right?..) so we wanted some time together. We informed her and she just said congrats and that was it. Didn't ask how he was, nothing.

So we all had to stay in hospital. His checks with the doctor were running late and we were meant to be discharged at 2 am. But a doctor couldn't get to him to check on him til 5 hours after he was born (1am). Again, she didn't bother to ask so we didn't say anything to her.

Let's skip to the morning. Dp was allowed to stay in hospital with me. An I sent NIL a picture of him cuddling our newborn and she put 'okay'.
She then decided to tell me she's having an awful time on holiday as her sons partner won't speak to her. Didn't ask how we were doing anything. So I attempted really pissed off to converse with her.

She then proceeded to spam phone call us to ask if we had taken any money from her. (no, we hadn't) again, didn't ask about the baby or us.

An then she decides to spam phone call us as soon as we come home (we all went to bed as we were so tired) wake us all up (I'm not even joking. Phoning us 15 times on DP's phone) to announce she was coming over next week and there was nothing we could do about it.
(I did specifically say to her and my family, not just her, that I wanted time to recover, get dd used to him, adjust as a family and breastfeed properly. I wanted two weeks to ourselves at least) and since I've said no to her visit, she refuses to speak to me.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? It's pissed me off so much. Then she puts all over Facebook how proud she is but won't ask about him? 😣

OP posts:
chickenowner · 05/04/2018 21:15

What does 'spam phone call' mean?

Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 21:23

Is the parent that is the NIL's child still alive? Get your partner to talk to them so they can reign in their mother. Get the family to have a bit of a united front here.

ichifanny · 05/04/2018 21:33

What’s spam phone called ? Didn’t she just phone you ?

Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 21:37

His mom died years ago. And spam phone call is basically where she will repeatedly phone call us numerous times just to get our attention essentially.

OP posts:
MammaAgata · 05/04/2018 21:39

Not understanding what spam phone call means? Don’t really understand what most of this means to be honest..

Homemenu1 · 05/04/2018 21:42

Do you’re cross that she didn’t ask about the baby (which is not very nice at all) but then cross when she wants to visit within 2 weeks of birth.

lattewith3shotsplease · 05/04/2018 21:43

OP,
Do you mean your Husbands actual Grandmother ?

Poppins2016 · 05/04/2018 21:44

I think it's natural to be annoyed and you're not unreasonable for feeling as you do.

However...

It sounds as though there might be something else going on, like the start of dementia, for example. I say this based on the paranoia regarding money and the erratic/slightly aggressive behaviour.

When was the last time you saw NIL? Has anyone else in the family noticed a change in behaviour? There may be a little more to it...

Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 21:44

Yeah, his grandmother. I wasn't sure if Nan in law was a thing on here, ha! 😂 should have been a bit clearer I just presumed

OP posts:
Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 21:46

Saw her last week. She just came over. She's always been the same I think. Ever since her son left his partner it's just gotten worse.

OP posts:
WeirdyMcBeardy · 05/04/2018 21:47

Put your phone on silent and don't answer it. I never understand why people complain about constant/late phonecalls when there is a simple solution.

TidyDancer · 05/04/2018 21:48

I think it sounds like you want it both ways tbh. You want her to be interested and you're pissed off she's not showing enough interest but then she wants to come see you and you're wanting her kept away for two weeks.

Not really sure she's the unreasonable one here.

MammaAgata · 05/04/2018 21:48

What do you mean by ‘refuses to speak to me’

If you said no to a visit and she has contacted you since how is that refusing to speak to you? Or are you trying to initiate a conversation? Whichever way it sounds like you’re courting the drama. Sorry but that’s how it reads to me. If you wanted so much time alone as a family and keeping it secret after a traumatic birth why did you text her the following morning? Why not just leave it a few days, go home, rest and then text those you wanted to know about the birth. Especially after your experience last time. It all sounds totally dramatic and unnecessary.

ThePinkOcelot · 05/04/2018 21:51

So you’re pissed at her for “spam calling” you?! What even is that?!

You have put the block in her visit big for 2 weeks, but are pissed that’s she’s not gushing all over you?! Make your mind up OP!

You’ve had a baby. Congratulations and all that, but you do realise you’re not the only person who has done so?!

Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 21:54

We didn't keep it secret from her. We told her when I was in labour as she gave us a phone call, we wanted to text her when we got into the birthing room after I had to wait in triage for 2 hours but she beat us to the punch by a phone call. Which was fine. She knew I was in labour. We didn't keep him being born a secret she knew as soon as he came out but we kept it from others she knows as we didn't want the constant pestering phone calls etc.
She knew he was here and didn't ask how we were or how he was.
I sent her the picture, she wasn't too bothered.
She then went on to say she was having an awful time with her sons partner. So I carried on the conversation still a bit pissed off she hadn't asked about how ds was.
Then after constant phone calls when we were asleep and announcing she was coming over, I told her politely not to as I didn't want visitors yet, she refuses to speak to me after I denied her visiting.

I have tried to start conversation asking how she is. Like earlier today, and she's ignoring me basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 21:56

I don't want her gushing over us. Not what I wanted at all. I just want her to actually show a bit of Interest in how he is doing rather than posting him all over Facebook congratulating herself. Rather than just talking to me about her sons partner and demanding to know where x money from her account has gone which we know nothing about.

OP posts:
MammaAgata · 05/04/2018 21:59

Like I said, it sounds like you’re courting the drama. How you’ve got the time for so many text messages, phone conversations and complicated scenarios after just giving birth in such complicated circumstances is beyond me! I had a knee op a few years ago and didn’t speak to anyone for about 4 days.. Confused

LizzieDarcy1907 · 05/04/2018 22:01

Rule No 1. Your phone has an off button.
Rule No 2. Your door has a lock.

I suggest you use both, enjoy your newborn and get lots of rest.

cherish123 · 05/04/2018 22:02

Never heard of the term "spam call"!

Is she quite old - she might be doddery. Maybe she will say more when she sees him.

cherish123 · 05/04/2018 22:02

*?

Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 22:11

It's just I want to keep a good relationship with her. She's a lovely woman. But it's just the fact she didn't even bother to ask about him or how he's doing. I really feel like she just doesn't care, she's more one track minded about her son. I hope she does take interest in him, but to me, I'm trying with her asking how she is etc, she's sulking with me because I've put the ban on after how she was with me after I had dd. Telling me I looked awful and I was doing everything wrong, not giving her back to breastfeed and not leaving for hours the day after she was born and yelling at me to give other guests a piece of cake. I just wanted time on my own with my family and I just feel like the biggest bitch now for putting the ban on. I do want to add, it stands for everyone apart from my mom mainly because we're all ill at the moment and my dd is a year old. I need the help a bit and she's closest to me

OP posts:
MumofBoysx2 · 05/04/2018 22:12

No you're not being unreasonable, she is. Stick to your guns. Does she have alzheimers, or memory problems? Sounds a little paranoid, like some older people sadly can get.

unfortunateevents · 05/04/2018 22:13

Your baby is four days old. How have you got time to engage in all this drama?! Turn your phone off when you go to bed or are sleeping. If you were getting "spam" phone calls from Nan last time you gave birth, what made you think it was a good idea to tell her this time when you were in labour?! There is no law that says you have to answer your phone every time it rings. In fact, why did you need to have it on in the labour ward anyway?

Original poster
Twounder1 · 05/04/2018 22:13

She's fit as a fiddle thankfully for her. She's the strongest lady I know and her memory is perfect etc, especially for her age. (not to mention how she looks, you wouldn't believe she's as old as she is) I just think she sometimes is a bit.. Insensitive? Is that the word?

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 05/04/2018 22:14

I don't think you want it both ways OP. Nan wasn't interested because of her own drama, then all of a sudden wants to visit because it now suits her. Sounds like she's all about her.

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