To be pissed off with NIL

[Twounder1]

I gave birth to ds on Monday. It was a very difficult birth. I had to deal with shoulder dystocia with my first and again with ds but much much worse with him. Thankfully he's okay. Just a bit bruised and battered. My poor little boy. I did it without pain relief and I'm really feeling it now. Ugh.
Anyway, he was early, but term and from my family I've had nothing but support. We didn't announce his birth aside from main family members as we wanted a few hours with him to ourselves. Which I don't think is unreasonable. Last time with dd we were spam phone called by DP's nan (NIL is nan in law, right?..) so we wanted some time together. We informed her and she just said congrats and that was it. Didn't ask how he was, nothing.

So we all had to stay in hospital. His checks with the doctor were running late and we were meant to be discharged at 2 am. But a doctor couldn't get to him to check on him til 5 hours after he was born (1am). Again, she didn't bother to ask so we didn't say anything to her.

Let's skip to the morning. Dp was allowed to stay in hospital with me. An I sent NIL a picture of him cuddling our newborn and she put 'okay'.
She then decided to tell me she's having an awful time on holiday as her sons partner won't speak to her. Didn't ask how we were doing anything. So I attempted really pissed off to converse with her.

She then proceeded to spam phone call us to ask if we had taken any money from her. (no, we hadn't) again, didn't ask about the baby or us.

An then she decides to spam phone call us as soon as we come home (we all went to bed as we were so tired) wake us all up (I'm not even joking. Phoning us 15 times on DP's phone) to announce she was coming over next week and there was nothing we could do about it.
(I did specifically say to her and my family, not just her, that I wanted time to recover, get dd used to him, adjust as a family and breastfeed properly. I wanted two weeks to ourselves at least) and since I've said no to her visit, she refuses to speak to me.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? It's pissed me off so much. Then she puts all over Facebook how proud she is but won't ask about him? 😣

Because I have a one year old and we've never left her before let alone at night with my family and we wanted to see how she was etc. Main reasons for our phones. Plus family were worried about us and wanted to know how baby boy was.
Also the fact his nan phoned him whilst we were in hospital and whilst I was in labour.

Congratulations on your baby.

I think you're all just very tired and need some sleep. Try and ignore and hopefully it'll all blow over. I'm not sure AIBU is a good place to be so soon post partum

Congratulations on the birth of your baby OP. Turn your phone off for a few days, get some rest, enjoy your baby and face the world in a few days.

I'd focus on your children and less on this non issue. And turn your phone off.

You have my sympathies OP. You had a rough birth and now your NIL is full of her own problems and not interested in you or your DS in the slightest. I'd be annoyed too.

She sounds to have early onset Alzheimer’s in all honesty. I’m not being ageist suggesting it, it was the random accusation of taking money that made me think it as paranoia about things like that is one of the signs. She doesn’t sound well.

Don't understand your post at all. Not sure what you mean by spam phonecall. And not sure what a nil is. Could you explain please.

Does she want to stay with you? Because your DP needs to get involved-why are you doing the talking-and tell her no if you’re up to it.

Mobiles on silent, landline off the hook, lock the doors. Send a message to relevant people that you are having some family time, you will keep people updated

OP, I think you’re being very unfair on her here. I also think most of the other replies you’re getting haven’t read your post properly and noticed your references to your first birth with DD.

When you had DD she was enthusiastic and got in touch and you were cross about this and described her phone calls as ‘spam’ and attention seeking.

Now you’ve had another baby. She phoned while you were in labour and you’re cross about that because she should somehow have been able to read your mind and tell you were intending to text. When she’s taken a step back and not made a huge fuss over the first few days you’ve got cross because she’s she’s not making enough fuss. But then when she does get back in touch you complain she is spamming you and invading your privacy by wanting to visit.

The overwhelming impression I’m getting from your post is that this poor woman couldn’t have won with you because you complain when she gets in touch but also complain when she doesn’t.

By all means contact her and tell her you’d like to put the visit off for a couple of weeks. But don’t expect her to mindread. I also have a terrible feeling that if she’d called to arrange to visit in a month or so you’d probably be complaining that she was neglecting you and wasn’t interested.

And describing her phone calls as ‘spam’ whilst also complaining she is not showing sufficient interest is a bit unpleasant tbh. I don’t think I would be making many gushy phone calls to someone who described me showing an interest in their lives as ‘spamming’ them either.

That's the thing, I've never ever been unfair to her or bought it up with her with dd. I just sat there and took it but I haven't ever been impolite here. I just said to her politely I didn't want visitors as I want to get used to having another baby around my big baby, I want to breastfed and not to mention we are ill, which is fair enough. She did agree with me last week that it was fine I had a few weeks just to ourselves and she respected it.
I didn't want her to read my mind. I said that it was fine she phoned. I wasnt bothered about it.
With dd in the pregnancy, she told me to abort. She told me she would report me if my house wasn't tidy, she came over to my house days within dd being born to talk about my brothers suicide (inappropriate) she wasn't enthusiastic at all but she at least did ask how she was etc even if she made me feel shit saying I looked awful etc and really tired.
I'm not a monster.
I'm just pissed she didn't respect my wishes and she decides to post photos of him online congratulating herself yet can't be bothered to ask about him and only willing to talk about her own problems. Which I did engage back in conversation with and have reached out since to see how she is and I got ignored.

She told me last week she understood and respected my wishes for visitors to stay away and then she imposes.

Dp also said no to the visit but he had constant phone calls off her over and over again saying "I'm coming over next week". Without asking. But she doesn't listen to him either. He is equally annoyed she won't stop phoning him. I do not mind once.
But 15 times without stopping is ridiculous to me

She does want to stay over for the night. Which I've told her she can when we are ready to as we have put the spare bed up for her now in that room. But I told her it'd be when ds is a month or two old and when she is willing to leave her dog with family as I have a cat.