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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For policing DH's diet and alcohol consumption?

36 replies

Itsallpropaganda · 05/04/2018 19:29

Middle aged, married for years. I am by no means a paragon of virtue where food is concerned but I cook healthy meals and try and get my 5 a day. I also exercise regularly (I'm still a bit overweight but my BP etc is good). My DH is a different story. Whenever he eats out he will go for unhealthy options (this can be quite often as he is out and about and works away sometimes) and he drinks easily twice the recommended units a week. He does exercise but only on weekends. Due to the fact he had a health check that revealed rising cholesterol and high BP, and he's overweight, I find myself constantly worrying about his health, what he eats, and even more so how much he drinks. I know that only he can make these decisions about his diet/alcohol consumption and I try not to get wound up when he's drinking as we end up having a row, but it's really getting me down. He says life is for living and he's not bothered about living until he's 90 so if he wants to drink he will. He doesn't cause any problems when he drinks, it's purely from a health POV that it's a problem. Quite honestly I'm sick of worrying about him when he isn't worrying about himself, and I'm constantly trying to reduce opportunities for him to drink (for example I might fancy a glass of wine with dinner but I'll go without because I know he will drink two bottles). I just don't know how to address this issue anymore.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 05/04/2018 19:30

He’s an adult and he’s allowed to make his own choices. Let him get on with it.

Dapplegrey · 05/04/2018 19:33

Itsall unfortunately nobody can stop another person from drinking.
I suggest you try AlAnon - google for a meeting near you.

ShinyMe · 05/04/2018 19:33

You can't, unless he asks you to. In fact it sounds like he's specifically said that he doesn't want to worry about it. He's an adult, and that has to be his decision - you'll only be 'nagging' if you intervene.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2018 19:34

I would stop addressing it, honestly. What more can you do and how much do you want to fight? He's making his own bed so let him lie in it. Focus on your health and get in the best shape of your life. You feeling and looking fantastic is probably the best way to motivate him. You already know the constant nagging is just making him dig in his heels like a damned teenager.

Original poster

Itsallpropaganda · 05/04/2018 19:34

I do get that, so I guess I know IABU to question his choices, but it doesn't stop me constantly worrying about his health and not understanding why he doesn't make an effort to look after himself 😐

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 05/04/2018 19:35

I think you need to stop stressing yourself out so much about it and let him make his own choices.

orangesmartieseggs · 05/04/2018 19:35

You can't control the diet of another grown adult. Leave him be.

EC22 · 05/04/2018 19:35

My husband tried this with me- I’m fat, it doesn’t work, at all, just causes resentment.

MatildaTheCat · 05/04/2018 19:38

I really empathise wit this but have learned to try not to comment or, more importantly, let it stress me too much. We cannot control another human and even if we think the choices are wrong they are made by capable adults.

It’s hard though.

Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 19:48

All you can do is worry I'm afraid. He's a fully grown adult male who's playing silly buggers with his health.

Ask him if the thought he's going to leave you a widow makes him happy.

firstworldproblems2018 · 05/04/2018 19:51

This being mumsnet- if a man came on here and posted he was worried about his wife’s health due to being very overweight and eating rubbish, all hell would break loose, even though he’d have a valid point. However, your DH is a grown man and he has to take responsibility for himself. I am overweight myself and I can tell you that no one having a go at you makes you more likely to do something about it- it just makes you feel crap.

ItsASairFecht · 05/04/2018 19:53

He has to reach the point where he really wants to do something about it. He will, but you can't drag him there kicking and screaming.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 05/04/2018 20:03

Serve healthy portion sizes, limit snacks and alcohol. Invite him along on evening walks etc.
Make it so that the “extra” helping, “extra” snack etc is totally his own doing.

Hypermice · 05/04/2018 20:05

Two bottles? That’s more than just a bit too much food, that’s a serious problem.

No you can’t police his food beyond cooking well when it’s your turn to cook - he’s an adult. But two bottles of wine in a night is indicative of a pretty serious drinking habit and I think that IS something you have a right to be unhappy with.

Thistlebelle · 05/04/2018 20:08

You can’t police what an adult chooses to eat and drink.

You can control what’s available in the house to eat and drink.

You can discuss life insurance with him and make sure you are well covered. (Apologies if that sounds harsh but you might as well be practical).

Mivery · 05/04/2018 20:12

Have you tried voicing your concerns in a more constructive way? Rather than nagging him, try having a discussion about WHY you are concerned. He's right, life is for living, but you would like him to last a bit longer right?

Talk to him about your hopes for traveling, seeing your grandkids off to college, growing old together. Maybe you can guilt him into worrying about himself for you and his loved ones?

Mivery · 05/04/2018 20:12

Oh and FWIW, YANBU.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 20:15

My mum is in somewhat the same position. My dad has borderline diabetes and high blood pressure controlled by medication. She polices his food because otherwise he will choose unhealthy options, not exercise and drink too much (though not on the scale of your dh). She puts alot of effort into creating a healthy diet for him and it causes her alot of stress and upset when he does things like has an extra beer etc. The difference is that he more does this through thoughtlessness rather than making a conscious decision. I think if he's choosing this there's nothing you can do (something I say to my mum all the time). She makes the point that if she lets him make himself ill she'll be the one that has to care for him. But I suppose that's the decision you would make by staying.

blueskyinmarch · 05/04/2018 20:19

3 bottles of wine would be twice the recommended level.Sounds like he is drinking way more than that. I don't think policing him or nagging him will help. All you can do is take care of yourself and hope he sees sense soon.

LML83 · 05/04/2018 20:19

I feel similar about my dh and smoking. He stopped for a while when DD was born 8 years ago but went back to it then stopped again when DS was born and still started again. I understand it's addictive (I smoked too when I was young). It's only a few a day but I am concerned for his health and have the same nagging conversation constantly but I am worried he will be ill. Or my DD will eventually notice and worry about him.

Don't know how to fix it either. It's rubbish, I sympathise op. Sorry no advice.

Mightymucks · 05/04/2018 20:26

but it doesn't stop me constantly worrying about his health and not understanding why he doesn't make an effort to look after himself

I have this a bit with my DH and it does worry me because he is a bit older than me, our children are small and I wasn’t the youngest Mum anyway.

What you could do is point out to him that it’s unlikely he will go quickly if he chooses to go like this. He may go younger, but it won’t be any easier. He is likely to develop conditions which will limit his mobility and quality of life for a long time before he dies. Living like he does doesn’t mean he will be on holiday and out dining and drinking and dead the next. It’s more likely he’ll be on oxygen with dodgy joints stopping him moving around and shortness of breath limiting what he can do so he’ll be limiting his years of fun rather than his years of suffering anyway.

Sorry if that sounds grim and is depressing, but I thought it might be useful for you to present it to him in that way to make him think about what he is doing to himself.

Also, get him to have a liver function test. This may come back with bad news and make him think about how much he is drinking.

Alternatively it may come back with good news which will set your mind at rest. A lot of people have very resilient high functioning livers which can have an awful lot thrown at it without problems. My family are fortunate enough to have these. My Dad was diagnosed with a serious illness in his 50s and as he wasn’t expected to live that long drank as much as he wanted. His prognosis turned out to be extremely pessimistic and he is now in his 80s and despite drinking a couple of bottles of wine a day has the liver of an 18 year old. It’s worth looking into so you know what the state of play is with that and if you need to worry.

BonnieF · 05/04/2018 20:32

If a man posted on this site that he was policing what his wife eats and drinks, he would be called controlling misogynistic and abusive. He would be torn apart, and quite rightly so.

If I were your husband, I would not tolerate your behaviour. He deserves an apology.

melonscoffer · 05/04/2018 20:36

You're flogging a dead horse.
Have your glass of wine with dinner. Why miss out.
It's he who has a problem not you. He'll drink elsewhere when you're not around anyway.
He may never realise, he may enjoy his lifestyle until death do you part.
We cannot choose what goes in another's mouth. No matter how much we love them.

Nanna50 · 05/04/2018 20:39

While you can’t police his eating and drinking I do understand your worry. If his unhealthy lifestyle causes him medical problems in the future then this would affect you. I have a friend whose OH ignored all warnings of diabetes and never controlled it well and she is now his carer. That would be my worry.

Original poster

Itsallpropaganda · 06/04/2018 08:02

ivebeenaroundtheblock I do cook healthy food/encourage him to walk/don't buy unhealthy snacks, but he buys his own alcohol.
^hypermice* thankfully it's not two bottles a night. He drinks heavily 3-4 times a week (7-8 pints or couple of bottles of wine) which seems a lot to me as I'm just a social drinker and can take it or leave it.
I don't really mention his weight to him as that isn't my biggest concern. I am more worried about his likelihood of a heart attack/stroke than what he looks like. As I said before he's not a horrible drunk but it does affect me. His libido is severely diminished which bothers me and I don't enjoy sitting there while he's getting pissed either.

OP posts:

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