For policing DH's diet and alcohol consumption?

[Itsallpropaganda]

Middle aged, married for years. I am by no means a paragon of virtue where food is concerned but I cook healthy meals and try and get my 5 a day. I also exercise regularly (I'm still a bit overweight but my BP etc is good). My DH is a different story. Whenever he eats out he will go for unhealthy options (this can be quite often as he is out and about and works away sometimes) and he drinks easily twice the recommended units a week. He does exercise but only on weekends. Due to the fact he had a health check that revealed rising cholesterol and high BP, and he's overweight, I find myself constantly worrying about his health, what he eats, and even more so how much he drinks. I know that only he can make these decisions about his diet/alcohol consumption and I try not to get wound up when he's drinking as we end up having a row, but it's really getting me down. He says life is for living and he's not bothered about living until he's 90 so if he wants to drink he will. He doesn't cause any problems when he drinks, it's purely from a health POV that it's a problem. Quite honestly I'm sick of worrying about him when he isn't worrying about himself, and I'm constantly trying to reduce opportunities for him to drink (for example I might fancy a glass of wine with dinner but I'll go without because I know he will drink two bottles). I just don't know how to address this issue anymore.

I would find that level of drinking deeply unattractive. But no you can't control it.

When someone does something you don't like at has made it clear they won't change, you only have two choices. Put up with it or walking away. You need to work out which one is right for you. You can't change someone else only your reaction to them

When someone does something you don't like at has made it clear they won't change, you only have two choices. Put up with it or walking away. You need to work out which one is right for you. You can't change someone else only your reaction to them

Exactly this.

That is a lot of alcohol. No wonder you are worried. Ignore BonnieF. He doesn't deserve an apology.

Unfortunately you can't control how much he eats and drinks when he is out of the house. All you can do is cook healthy foods and offer smaller portions. And stop buying alcohol to keep in the house.

This must be so hard. I agree with pp, choose to let go of policing and worrying. Of course where you are buying and cooking you will make moderate choices. But do insist on looking at life insurance and what your financial situation would be if he was unable to work or in the event of divorce. These are the ways it affects you which you have control over.

That is an awful lot to drink! I would not like that either. No wonder you're worried

I completely understand, it would be horrible to sit there while someone is getting drunk.

Other than the impact on your sex life, my other concerns would be, who does he expect to look after him if he does become unwell and also will you and your DC be taken care of financially if he does die early or will it be a massive struggle for you?

I agree you can't really control what someone else does but I believe that once you have kids you do have a responsibility to set a good example and look after your health so that you can look after your family while they are dependant upon you

Can you have a chat with him about the impact on you of his actions and how it makes you feel?

Also, I am shocked by how one of my male relatives who likes the good life has aged in his sixties - very slow cognitive function, he can’t keep up with what’s going on.

I think you should pick your moment and tell him gently how worried you are.

Would he possibly consider a gradual swap to 0% alcohol beer and lower alcohol drinks such as white wine spritzers (half wine, half sparkling water)?

Meanwhile, if you have any control over the grocery shopping, maybe 'forget' to buy alcohol and unhealthy food choices.

He buys his own alcohol so I have no control over that. As far as life insurance goes we are well covered, in fact he only said last week that I shouldn't worry about him dying young as I'll be a rich widow! I'd rather not be a widow at all 😐

Do life insurances pay out if the disease was self inflicted?

I don't know much about insurances to be honest, but if they don't at least that would be a come back from that comment

I'm afraid you have to worry if he doesn't want to do it himself.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, because I DO 'control' my OH about drinking/eating - but because he wants me to (which he has explicitly said).

His problems aren't as extensive - more he just tips over from merry to annoying, and he doesn't want to get to that stage, so appreciates me reminding him to drink water and stay at 'merry' so he doesn't lose friends. With food, like all of us, we need help making healthy decisions, so we support each other, and are getting better at individually self-policing as a result. I don't think that ever comes about if the other person doesn't want it though.