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Original poster

Gaslighting the Gaslighter

33 replies

bullfinchbullshit · 05/04/2018 18:26

I am married to man quite a bit older than me, I am in my fifties. For years we have rubbed along just fine. However, as I am getting older I am realising that I have always been the one to compromise, keep the peace etc. Dh is not a bad man and has always been quite generous. But I have realised that he makes all the decisions, chooses where we
go, things for the house etc.However, I seem to have stepped out of my box and upset him by being more outgoing without him. This has led to a torrent of passive-aggressive behaviour. I only recognised this as a friend has been going through the same thing (it's easy to stop when you are not in the frame). Anyway, apparently, I had made a comment that he found unforgivable and he had seen a very nasty side to me which wasn't attractive. But he was putting this down to me not being well (depression in the past) This man can sulk at Olympic standard and I was so upset and worn down until I had a lightbulb moment. After arguing my case and getting nowhere as usual I decided to change tack. I walked back into the room and cried crocodile tears and said that he was right as usual, I was just being silly. Immediately all was forgiven and everything would be ok. I just stood in his arms amazed that I had found the key. It has not been me all along, I have been gaslighted. With hindsight, I can see how weak he is when I thought he was the strong one. In future, I will be playing the game. I know he will never stop but now I am aware do you think that am I unreasonable to think that I have the upper hand for a change.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 05/04/2018 18:28

Wow what an amazing happy, healthy and emotionally mature relationship you have Hmm

Bumblefuddle · 05/04/2018 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 05/04/2018 18:30

Sounds like a miserable way to live. Faking tears and not being authentic isn't really a recipe for happiness. Cant' you just leave him?

Katinkka · 05/04/2018 18:31

Wtf

Toffeelatteplease · 05/04/2018 18:32

You haven't got the upper hand though. Your still dancing to his tune even though the way you dance is different. I'm not sure he's going to be bother all the while he's still getting his own way.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 05/04/2018 18:32

I have been in a very similar relationship. He is generous because it suits him to be. Listen to these words very, very carefully; your life is too short to waste time on this. LTB

Lovestonap · 05/04/2018 18:33

That post could have a better ending....

"In future I will be leaving him and creating a strong, positive life for myself without him"

or something along those lines

Gide · 05/04/2018 18:34

That’s coercive, possibly abusive behaviour. Not gaslighting. So you’re just going to lie down and carry on being the doormat good little submissive wife? Way to break out, sister. Hmm

Sarsparella · 05/04/2018 18:35

You’ve just accepted that you have to bow down to him, that’s no way to live, he wants you to be subservient to him & you were so he’s happy

And it’s not gaslighting

Original poster
bullfinchbullshit · 05/04/2018 18:36

Well LiteraryDevil I know, but as I said in the post, it's easy to see when you are not in the frame. And how easy it is to judge. If it makes you feel any bigger I do feel amazingly stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
bullfinchbullshit · 05/04/2018 18:37

You are not my Dh by any chance are you ?

OP posts:
Sarsparella · 05/04/2018 18:39

What are you going to do long term OP? Now you can see his behaviour for what it really is? Surely you want a better life than living with a manipulative bully? :(

Potplant · 05/04/2018 18:39

My ex was like this, would make lots of PA digs till I finally bit back. I realised I would never win because he'd argue black was white till I gave up and was in tears.

I did same as you, once just agreed with him. I could tell he was gearing up for an argument so I said 'yes you're right' and walked off, completely took the wind out of his sails. I felt I'd taken some power back as I was no longer following him round in tears trying to 'explain'.

This isn't a long term solution though. He's now my ex.

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 18:42

I think you should either leave.

Or, stop arguing your case because that seems to perpatuate a dynamic where you seek his approval, you seek his blessing.

You don't need to make a case to him.

He's not ''making his case'' to you!

If you won't leave him then I would react to his passive aggressive remarks with physical distance. if he's pissy that you've been out then go out again.

I'd say the balance of power is shifting back in your direction again. But is it worth it? Is it worth spending the rest of your life with a much older man who has gaslighted you and controlled your life (if not actually controlled you too)

Original poster
bullfinchbullshit · 05/04/2018 18:46

I know its a sad situation but age and bad health on his part make it hard to leave now. As I said he is a lot older than me and, to be honest, I haven't done myself any favours in the past by not making a stand.If he was not so ill things would most probably be very different.

OP posts:
KC225 · 05/04/2018 18:48

I think it's called surrendered wife

Original poster
bullfinchbullshit · 05/04/2018 18:49

I know this may seem stupid, but if I have got it wrong, what exactly is gaslighting. I thought it was being manipulative.

OP posts:
Bumblefuddle · 05/04/2018 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisUnderwood · 05/04/2018 18:51

Weird. Rather you than me OP.

Knowing someone's a bastard doesn't make them any less of a bastard.

Bumblefuddle · 05/04/2018 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noqonterf · 05/04/2018 18:53

Sounds awful op. What will you do now?

Original poster
bullfinchbullshit · 05/04/2018 19:00

I think it would be cruel to leave at this stage in his life after so long. This may not be popular but I feel that I have been complicit by allowing it to go on for so long. However, it stops now, I intend to live my life to the full. Now I am aware his behaviour cannot hurt me anymore. I will just tell him to get a grip as I go on my way.
Thank you Bumble

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 05/04/2018 19:04

Think I'm missing the point of this thread...

Juells · 05/04/2018 19:06

I think it's called surrendered wife

Or surrendered life :(

I can see OP's point though. Leaving at her age would be a huge upheaval, losing house etc.. I wouldn't feel much like nursing a grumpy controlling old fuck, though.

RidingWindhorses · 05/04/2018 19:08

Just be honest with yourself OP, you don't have the strength to leave him so you will lie to yourself that you now have the upper hand and tell yourself he's too ill.

It's your life, if you want to throw it away on this, that's up to you.