Gaslighting the Gaslighter

[bullfinchbullshit]

I am married to man quite a bit older than me, I am in my fifties. For years we have rubbed along just fine. However, as I am getting older I am realising that I have always been the one to compromise, keep the peace etc. Dh is not a bad man and has always been quite generous. But I have realised that he makes all the decisions, chooses where we
go, things for the house etc.However, I seem to have stepped out of my box and upset him by being more outgoing without him. This has led to a torrent of passive-aggressive behaviour. I only recognised this as a friend has been going through the same thing (it's easy to stop when you are not in the frame). Anyway, apparently, I had made a comment that he found unforgivable and he had seen a very nasty side to me which wasn't attractive. But he was putting this down to me not being well (depression in the past) This man can sulk at Olympic standard and I was so upset and worn down until I had a lightbulb moment. After arguing my case and getting nowhere as usual I decided to change tack. I walked back into the room and cried crocodile tears and said that he was right as usual, I was just being silly. Immediately all was forgiven and everything would be ok. I just stood in his arms amazed that I had found the key. It has not been me all along, I have been gaslighted. With hindsight, I can see how weak he is when I thought he was the strong one. In future, I will be playing the game. I know he will never stop but now I am aware do you think that am I unreasonable to think that I have the upper hand for a change.

I hope you leave him for his sake.

Who the fuck pretends to cry to get their own way (besides my 3 year old)?

If you're not going to leave him then you need space to think about your life within the parametres of a bad marriage.

What can be changed that would make your life better.

I would recommend having a really good think about what you want. What is possible. More freedom? To do do what. To move about uninterrogated?

I'd recommend getting it straight in your head what changes are even possible and then put it to him that from now on you won't be seeking his approval any more. YOu aren't an unreasonable person. You've pleased too long. Now you are going to meet some of your own needs.

And then be royal about it.
Never seek approval.
Never explain.
Never justify.
Never seek forgiveness.

My x controlled me for 7 years and I spent those 7 years playing a game that drained me but energised him. He would accuse me of x, y or z. Not loving him, being selfish and I would put myself up in the dock.

So don't do that. Just bore him with distance.

Bingo I don't think you have read the post as it was meant, I pretended to cry because I suspected what was going on and I was proved right Not because I wanted my own way, that would have been even sillier than you saying leave him for his sake.

I get it.

I spent hours and hours and hours pleading with my xh to get him to see my always reasonable requests. He used to obfuscate and counter accuse and deflect and gaslight and deny and generally enjoy the 'trial'.

Occassionally I cried. It never worked either because my distress, however it was expressed, made him feel powerful. But yeh, human nature to try to be heard. If reason hasn't worked, you try to show how important it is. like that would work

OP read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do it?

You talk about gaslighting the gaslighter and you've had a hard time for expressing it like that but I believe that what your H has done (and what mine did) is to train you to realise that it's not worth fighting the smaller battles. So over the years you let more and more things slide because you need your energy for the big battles and then one day you wake up and realise that your whole life is pandering to another person's needs at the expense of your own and that if you redress the balance even the tiniest sway towards your own self again, you will be accused of being selfish.

So read Lundy Bancroft's book. It will help you see through a lot of the bullshit that is done ON PURPOSE to make sure you never ask for it/never bring it up/never go out unless it's something he has approved.

I read the post several times (it isn't easily read).

"I have been gaslighted"

And sealioned. That's a popular term too!

He sounds like a narcissist to me!

It may feel good now, as you feel you’ve found the key to the kingdom. However will this lead to you having to appear to be distraught and apologise for something you either feel you shouldn’t do, or for something you haven’t done? Will it be a slippery slope to him getting his own way all the time and what happens if he realises what you are doing?
I understand that you feel you can’t leave due to his age and health, but that could go in for a few more decades. Do you really want to live those years like that

Hi OP if you have no option but to stay. You need to go "grey rock" with him.
He's a manipulative control freak by the sounds of it and they are so difficult to challenge about their behaviour. It's their way or no way!

IME I could not put up with all the mind games, marathon sulks, endless complaining, lecturing that went on for hours.

I was lucky I managed to get out and lead a very peaceful life on my own. He put me off men for life!!
Hopefully you will get the opportunity to do that at some point but try and have a back up plan just in case(savings etc)