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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I wish I was a woman so I

105 replies

FickleHuman · 05/04/2018 13:14

Could have a bunch of kids, give up work & go out enjoying the sun.

AIBU to let this annoy me??

I know it's complete ignorance on his part but a huge part of me has lost all respect and no longer want to continue seeing him.

I know this is a running thing but Christ! Do your job and il do mine, no ones is harder or easier. Why do people feel the need to comment??

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 14:05

'Well to be fair it must get frustrating that men don't get the option to be SAHP without an obscene amount of judgement. I wish that my sons could not work and stay home with children if they wanted to just as easily as I did but I know that if they do it will be difficult for them. For me it was a given that my husband would work harder to support us all while I stayed at home. Lots of people even assumed that I would be a housewife permanently. But when a man does it he comes against side comments about his masculinity, the suggestion that his wife is somehow his superior, that he had robbed his wife of her natural dues etc. And that's if he even made a he's to find a woman who earns enough to support a whole family in the first place. He may have been expressing a resentment at not having the option to do what you have rather than trying to devalue the hard work you have put in'

In my experience, men don't get an 'obscene amount of judgement' for being SAHDs - quite the opposite, in fact. When I was a SAHM one of my friends was a SAHD and everyone raved about what a great guy he was and how he good he was at it. He was good at it, but so was I, and nobody payed a blind bit of notice to what I did because as a woman it was just expected that I would do everything that needed doing - if he did it, he was some sort of hero. I don't think men are in any way stopped from being SAHDs, except by their own lack of desire to do it.

oohyoudevilyou · 05/04/2018 14:05

I doubt that it was a carefully thought through expression of deep longing. You said that you were going to the park, he said (somewhat childishly) that he'd like to be doing that rather than clambering up the slippery rungs of the corporate ladder, or whatever he does for a living.

I've been known to come out with ridiculous "I wish I could...." type sentences, and in generally it means nowt: I've made my real-life choices to fit around various criteria rather than on a whim on a rare sunny day.

Thistlebelle · 05/04/2018 14:05

Well to be fair it must get frustrating that men don't get the option to be SAHP without an obscene amount of judgement

Dairy I got an obscene amount of judgement for deciding to be a SAHM when my D.C. were little.

I then got an obscene amount of judgement (some of it from the same people) when I decided to go back to work full time once my kids started school.

No to negate the fact the SAHDs (of whom I know several) can have a hard time but women get judged of pretty much everything right from the moment to you tell everyone you are pregnant.

peacheachpearplum · 05/04/2018 14:06

You can't miss what you have all day everyday, hence if you work a lot you'll miss doing fun stuff with the kids and if you are with the kids all day, you'll crave adult time. I suppose that is why many people with children work part-time, mind you that can feel like the best of both worlds or the worst.

bingoLounge · 05/04/2018 14:07

Do you not enjoy going to the park with your children?

"Do your job and il do mine, no ones is harder or easier."

Of course there are easier and harder and nicer and less nice jobs. Very strange to pretend that there aren't.

AskBasil · 05/04/2018 14:09

Oh please.

Men get lauded and celebrated as great fathers who have made a massive sacrifice if they become SAHDs.

And then they get welcomed back to the workplace at a much higher wage than women in the same position and they are much more likely to catch up with their male peers within 5 years, whereas a woman never catches up.

Save your sympathy.

Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 14:09

Strangely enough, it's very often the case that career men who think SAHMs have it easy are very reluctant to take over with the kids at weekends, because they 'deserve to rest' - somehow, it's very hard for them to do it at the weekend, but very easy for the woman to do it all week. The logic of that defies me.

catinapoolofsunshine · 05/04/2018 14:10

Surely he should leave his minimum wage job and retrain as a nanny... Problem solved, especially as he's on minimum wage anyway.

He sounds like an arsehole. Apart from anything he's setting the tone for it being accepted between you that he works hard because he's a Big Man and you laze about. That's the foundation for him expecting you to do all the drudge work if you ever move in together, even (or especially) if he doesn't even realise consciously how derogatory his comments are about your role.

I'd tend to agree with you that comments like that are a massive turn off. If you're only "seeing" him, not in a serious relationship, then you can end the relationship just because you've gone off him, it's totally fair enough either way!

Original poster
FickleHuman · 05/04/2018 14:10

I was dating a guy years ago who's wife had died in a car accident. Their DD was young. He took on the responsibility as expected but Christ almighty the amount of well done, omg you are an amazing dad was immense!

He was never short of babysitters especially so he could work. Because he was a one in a million kind of guy.

Told him, my ex fucked off has had nothing to do with him since I gave birth and all I've got is "well, all woman accept they might be made a single mother as soon as they fall pregnant, they just have to get on with it".

OP posts:
splendide · 05/04/2018 14:15

And then they get welcomed back to the workplace at a much higher wage than women in the same position and they are much more likely to catch up with their male peers within 5 years, whereas a woman never catches up.

I don't think this is true, not in my experience anyway.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 05/04/2018 14:16

cat, dammit, why didn't I think of that?!

BitOutOfPractice · 05/04/2018 14:16

Why does he think you have to be a woman to have children and stay home to look after them? He's aware that men are parents too right?

ibicus · 05/04/2018 14:22

Fuckity noooooo. Don't date someone that has no respect or idea of your life and the hard work it involves!

Katchit · 05/04/2018 14:24

Well he is a weak character so he could not make it work anyway. We all take what we have, invest our hours and days wisely. I do believe you get back what you put in. He is a lightweight OP. Plain as day.

peacheachpearplum · 05/04/2018 14:27

I was dating a guy years ago who's wife had died in a car accident. Their DD was young. He took on the responsibility as expected but Christ almighty the amount of well done, omg you are an amazing dad was immense! So a young woman died tragically leaving her partner as a grieving widower with a young child and you resent any support he got. Yes you ABU, it isn't all about you.

theculture · 05/04/2018 14:30

Just to say I absolutely cringe when I think about the assumptions I made about kids and how I judged their parents until I had my own Blush

(Tv, sweets, just being able to drop them off with someone to go out, how soon they have their own options rather than being big toys etc etc)

It is very hard to truly understand if you aren't a parent or spend lots of time with parents . . . So maybe he just needs teaching??

Clandestino · 05/04/2018 14:33

I suggest you change the A guy I'm seeing to A twat I used to date.

He's a total twat and if this is attitude right now, do you think he's going to change? And if you he describes himself as a big kid - are you sure you are ready for a grown-up petulant toddler?

geekymommy · 05/04/2018 14:33

Hahahahahahahaaa! Tell him he needs to come here to Pittsburgh to clean coffee off my monitor. Oh, and he owes me a new keyboard.

Original poster
FickleHuman · 05/04/2018 14:35

So a young woman died tragically leaving her partner as a grieving widower with a young child and you resent any support he got. Yes you ABU, it isn't all about

Not me, he hated the fact everyone treated him like he wasn't capable of looking after his child, something he did everyday before his wife died.

Whereas my ex didn't die, he just left and hasn't been back and doesn't help at all and I'm simply told I have to suck it up??!

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 14:38

Your fellow is not a nice fellow. He obviously doesn't value wifework and motherwork and thinks it's all a walk in the park.

Thistlebelle · 05/04/2018 14:43

Fickle given that you have already been treated very poorly by one dreadful man I really don’t think this online guy is any improvement.

Dump him and hold out for someone decent.

Flowers
Original poster
FickleHuman · 05/04/2018 14:49

I agree, I think I need to move on. Pronto

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/04/2018 14:57

Don't date sexists

QuackPorridgeBacon · 05/04/2018 15:03

Not sure about all the hate? He hasn’t got children (I’m assuming) so wouldn’t understand what it takes to look after them so yes, summer in the park does look easy. Women are the ones who tend to stay at home, whether that is right or wrong is another argument but mostly they are. His comment sounds fine really, unless he said it in a a nasty tone of voice or implied that in a text. I don’t understand all the hate and telling the op to dump him. Why not talk and discuss and ask what he meant and then educate if need be?

ChiaraRimini · 05/04/2018 15:08

Plenty of SAHDs out there. But this guy sounds like he'd be a shit one if he thinks it's just about enjoying the sun :-/

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