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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner is a useless father, would I be better off on my own?

44 replies

Mummyofalice · 05/04/2018 10:55

Hello :) this is my first ever post on mumsnet so forgive me if I’ve done this wrong! (Also forgive the length of this post!)
My daughter was born last May and since then my fiancé has done nothing to help. When I was in early labour he fell asleep, and he booked 4 weeks off holiday when she was born to “help” me and spent all night playing games on his PlayStation until 2/3 in the morning and sleeping all day until 2pm! He doesn’t get up with us in the mornings, even on the days that I’m working too and need to be ready. He goes out with his friends 2/3 evenings a week and missed his first Father’s Day with our daughter as he chose to visit his dad without us, and our daughters first easter as he chose to spend the day playing games round his friends house. We are both 27 so not exactly kids anymore! My family keep urging me to leave him as they think he pulls me down, but outside of being parents we get on well, he can be romantic and we still have a laugh. Is this enough? Can he change? If anyone has been in a similar position i’d Welcome any advice.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 05/04/2018 10:59

What was he like before you had the baby?

I wouldn't stay with him, what are you getting from the relationship?

I would also find it difficult to get on with someone that selfish and inconsiderate.

Soubriquet · 05/04/2018 11:01

Have you spoken to him about it?

Maybe he isn't realising he isn't stepping up

If you have and he still does fuck all, I would leave.

Same amount of work minus one messy adult would make life easier for you

Trinity66 · 05/04/2018 11:02

Yeah I couldn't deal with someone so selfish tbqh, would rather be on my own

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2018 11:02

I'd struggle to stay with a man who didn't take any notice of his own baby. Or his partner. He sounds awful. Why did he want a baby if he didn't want to be a father?

AgnesBrownsCat · 05/04/2018 11:05

He sounds like a waste of space tbh , baby or no baby . It’s up to you if you want to continue with him though .
Don’t stay together for the sake of your baby, you’ll all end up being miserable .

bastardkitty · 05/04/2018 11:08

Just LTB.

BarbarianMum · 05/04/2018 11:13

Does he contribute financially (half of everything inc your dd's costs)? Does he do half the housework?

What I'm basically asking is whether it's solely about his crapness as a dad or whether he's a lazy fucker generally.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/04/2018 11:14

Unless he is 16 you may as well bin him off.
He adds nothing to your life - and is taking up space you could make better use for - a plant for instance - may have more personality and give the house a better feel to it!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 11:16

He sounds rubbish.

I'm guessing he also leaved all housework to you as well.

I would not have the patience to deal with this man child. I agree with your family.

Porpoises · 05/04/2018 11:17

Does he help when he's in and awake? Does he do nappy changes? How much housework does he do?

It doesn't sound great from what you've said so far.

5plusMeAndHim · 05/04/2018 11:18

Going to his fathers on fathers day was the right thing to do but everything else would be a deal breaker for me

KirstenRaymonde · 05/04/2018 11:19

What DOES he do? Does he support you, does he financially support the home? Does he do his share of housework? Have you talked to him about his lack of participation with the baby?

Dobbythesockelf · 05/04/2018 11:20

What exactly does he do at home? Obviously you can't carry on like this, she is his child too and he needs to take some responsibility.
I think you either leave or have a Frank conversation telling him that you can't carry on like this.

KarmaStar · 05/04/2018 11:24

Hi OP
Sounds like he hasn't actually grown up and accepted he is a father with responsibilities.
Are you still in love with him?
Have you told him how you feel?
Nobody on here can give you the answer to your question ,you have to decide for yourself if you want this man as a partner in your and your child's life.
Tell him how you feel and what you want.If he is unwilling to grow up and change his ways then you can make that decision.
But you are worth so much more than this.Flowers

DerelictWreck · 05/04/2018 11:26

He;s basically saying that you're time is less important than his, your daughter is less important than video games, and that it's your job to do everything and look after everyone.

Why would you stay?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 11:29

Was the baby planned, or a surprise that he seemed pleased enough to have at the time? If you and he didn't actively decide to have a baby and consciously TTC then in his mind it may be a matter of 'she wanted the baby, she's got a baby, not really my thing but it keeps her happy.' A lot of men see childcare and housework as women's work, and do not accept that their own lives will change when a baby arrives.

I suggest you get rid of him. Life will be a lot easier without him underfoot, expecting clean laundry, regular meals and regular sex while not lifting a finger. He is legally obliged to pay maintenance, and your child is legally entitled to have a relationship with him - but you can't force him to see the child, and these selfish, lazy manbabies often simply drift away fairly quickly. Which is no great loss.

Queenofthestress · 05/04/2018 11:31

Not going to lie, I would have ended it after the first two months. Fuck putting up with that.

kikashi · 05/04/2018 11:31

Did you plan the baby or was it unplanned? If unplanned, he may feel resentful and trapped. I have seen this quite a lot and the guys bridle and behave unfeelingly as they feel they were somehow coerced.

You need to make clear what you want him to do and if you make ultimatums be prepared to see them through. Do you trust your family's judgement? If so, I would listen to what they are saying. Also. listen really closely to what your partner tells you when you talk about the issue.

Tamatave2000 · 05/04/2018 11:33

Was the baby planned? That you say "my daughter" as opposed to "our daughter" makes me wonder.

However, even if child was not planned does not change fact that he is father and should be helping.

waterrat · 05/04/2018 11:35

OP what is romantic or funny about him allowing you to parent alone, unsupported and exhausted?

Focus on the impact it has on YOU if he fails to parent. It's not about his relationship just with his baby but about him allowing you to struggle with everything alone.

If you think you can make it work in the long term then he needs serious boundaries/ a wake up call.

Tell him what has to change - perhaps he needs to move out whlie you consider your future?

Would counselling help you decide how to move forward? If you can afford it I would recommend it as it would help you clear your head a bit from the opinions of others.

waterrat · 05/04/2018 11:36

Kikashi are you serious?

He knows how babies arrive right? You have sex - woman gets pregnant - she has baby - you are a grown up you deal with it!

I can't believe the low standards some women have of men

Imagine if the OP felt resentful of having a baby and just didn't bother looking after it - the baby would be taken into care.

Lucky the 'men' get the luxury of 'bridling' at the responsibility of being a parent eh.

Osopolar · 05/04/2018 11:47

I wouldn't stay in this situation. There is now way I would be willing to parent as anything but a team. Obviously in some cases such as forces etc one parent does have to take on a lot more but in your case this is pure laziness not work!

Carouselfish · 05/04/2018 11:47

Print this out and give it to him.
Smash playstation with hammer.

Seriously though, tell him he needs to grow up. Go out for the day and get him to do everything (although you'll probably need to leave a list to give you peace of mind).

It is terrible having to carry someone through life like this, rather than having a partner. It's why I am not with my DD's dad - although he is a phone addict not playstation. She's now three and he's improved as she interacts with him and says 'get off your phone, Daddy' and won't let him just tune out. It's a huge weight off me not having responsibility for him as well as my daughter though.

kikashi · 05/04/2018 11:50

waterrat I don't approve of the OP's DP's behaviour at all.

I was just stating what I have seen and heard from young men given my life and work experiences about how they "feel". It si wrong and needs to be challenged.

Original poster
Mummyofalice · 05/04/2018 12:07

Wow thank you for all the responses! The baby was very much planned which has only made the situation more upsetting as promises were made that haven’t been realised. He does contribute financially although my wage pays the mortgage he pays the bills. However recently he treated himself to a new Nintendo switch out of our joint money meant for bills etc and lied and said it was his sisters! He has also gotten us into debt with reckless spending. He does look after our daughter on his own one day a week, but does no housework, washing, food shop etc! So I know from that point of view I pretty much already am a single parent? I guess it’s just all very upsetting that the life i thought we had planned isn’t the one we are living 😔

OP posts:
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