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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partner is a useless father, would I be better off on my own?

44 replies

Mummyofalice · 05/04/2018 10:55

Hello :) this is my first ever post on mumsnet so forgive me if I’ve done this wrong! (Also forgive the length of this post!)
My daughter was born last May and since then my fiancé has done nothing to help. When I was in early labour he fell asleep, and he booked 4 weeks off holiday when she was born to “help” me and spent all night playing games on his PlayStation until 2/3 in the morning and sleeping all day until 2pm! He doesn’t get up with us in the mornings, even on the days that I’m working too and need to be ready. He goes out with his friends 2/3 evenings a week and missed his first Father’s Day with our daughter as he chose to visit his dad without us, and our daughters first easter as he chose to spend the day playing games round his friends house. We are both 27 so not exactly kids anymore! My family keep urging me to leave him as they think he pulls me down, but outside of being parents we get on well, he can be romantic and we still have a laugh. Is this enough? Can he change? If anyone has been in a similar position i’d Welcome any advice.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2018 12:14

He sounds the pits. Why are you doing all the housework? Why not tell him he's in charge of meal planning and cooking now? Does he even wash up?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/04/2018 12:31

he does no housework, washing, food shop etc

Was he like this before the baby was born? Or has he suddenly opted out?

When you say the baby was planned was it a case of you wanting to start a family and he agreeing, or nagging you for a child.

It sounds like he has always be a waste of space and now sadly there is a child he isn't interested in.

Luckingfovely · 05/04/2018 12:35

He sounds like a complete twat. I'd get out now and make a lovely life for yourself rather than wasting any more time on him. Your family is right; he is dragging you down.

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2018 12:39

So he does fuck all apart from work and play games. It will only get worse if you marry him. (Please don't marry him!)

Unless he's got a solid gold cock i can't see why you're with him.

Pinkvoid · 05/04/2018 12:42

It’s not important whether the baby was planned or not, the point is he is a Father now and needs to step up to that role. My third DC wasn’t planned, it didn’t mean my then H could turn around and say “well I’ll help you with the other two because they were planned but you’re on your own with this one.” .

He may be 27 but he acts like a 17 year old OP and I see no reason to stick around. You are already doing everything alone anyway and sound financially secure, let him live his with parents and play PlayStation all day like he clearly wants to. Sad git.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 05/04/2018 12:52

He's lied about money spent from joint account and is getting you in debt.I would have left him for all the other stuff but this should be your wake up call.Your family are right and it sounds as if they would support you,he will not change and things will only get worse.

Soubriquet · 05/04/2018 13:10

Yeah he sounds like a perfect catch. Not.

Throw him back in the ocean and give yourself time to adjust just you and your baby

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 05/04/2018 13:37

Get rid of him. He is useless. He is also the type of guy that will make really small changes when he thinks you will end things. Then you'll end up being grateful for scraps.
Be aware of this and end it completely.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2018 13:59

Do not have a joint account. Get out before you become liable for his debts.

Whose name is on the mortgage.

Get legal advice and start planning your exit.

Porpoises · 05/04/2018 14:39

Based on your update i agree you would be better off leaving. He's worse than useless, he creates extra washing and cooking for you, and risks getting the family into debt.

3stonedown · 05/04/2018 14:47

I would leave. To be blunt he's not helping he's just taking up space in your house

bastardkitty · 05/04/2018 15:15

I wouldn't discuss it with him any further. Just plan and execute. You need your name of the joint account immediately. Whose name is the mortgage in? He needs to go.

YesitsJacqueline · 05/04/2018 15:21

OP my ex P was exactly like that, however as DS got older , about 3 , he became a lot more hands on. Now he is 4 we are properly co parenting. However the years of resentment just built up ( that could be a thread on its own) and I just could not feel any love or respect for him.
Now we are separating , it's much easier. And he's finally having to pull his weight!
I don't mean to be negative but this tends to be the way it goes when you find out someone is so selfish

TheLastNigel · 05/04/2018 15:59

You'd be better in your own. Same work load, less energy spent on trying to get him to step up and/or resenting it when he doesn't...Nb trying to get them to step up doesn't often seem to work either...

ChickenMom · 05/04/2018 16:44

Kick him out until he sorts himself out and grows up. He’s still living the life of a single man and treating you like a roommate! He’s not pulling his weight. It’s like you’ve got two kids!

puglife15 · 05/04/2018 16:49

Yeh he can fuck off.

I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up in an environment where it was the woman's job to do everything and the man's to dick about and do as he pleases.

MotheringMilly · 05/04/2018 17:12

Where did you find him, 1950? At least give a chance to change, tell him exactly what you want him to do. If he doesn't then you won't stay with him, you'll resent him.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 23:46

Definitely get rid. Is his name on the mortgage? If not, you can pretty much tell him to pack his Playstation and fuck off back to his parents' house.

Juiceylucy09 · 06/04/2018 00:00

I'd split up, even with it been temporary to start off see if he sinks or swims, he needs to change I would not push him along.

It is heart break willing another adult to motivate, DP and I had some issues after DC1 was born as we were settling in. Your child is nearly one I would kick his ass

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