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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spoil the stepsons

36 replies

Vanessatiger · 04/04/2018 09:10

By spoiling I mean buying branded shoes and clothes and give them “expensive “ holidays.

Unfortunately DH isn’t too engaged in buying them presents, calling or booking the holidays. They ask me. I usually meet them halfway or more. I have a cordial relationship with them, they grew up around me. Since age 4 and 6. They are now teenagers.

Last yr DSS asked for an expensive item relating to games etc, i said I don’t really know what exactly it is so I gave him an amazon gift card at £100 plus a book, a jacket and a pair of shoes. His mother seeing all this threw his amazon gift card away. She said we should give her the money and she’ll decide what to buy him.

DSS2 wants to go to camp in a European country, costs about 3k all in for 2 weeks. I think it’s reasonable. His mum thinks he should work towards it, to earn the holiday. So banned us from buying such holiday. Same with the year before that DSS1 wanted to go skiing with his friends, we said okay but his mum said he can’t go because they will make own family half term plans. But mum and stepdad had to work so they ended up sitting at home doing nothing.

My parents gave the DSS a substantial amount of spending money last summer, in the hundreds, their mum confiscated the money saying it’s excessive but did not offer to put the money in their savings account.

She claims they will become spoiled brats but this is how we live and treat our children. We don’t see buying them an experience as spoiling them.

AIBU to “spoil” them?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 04/04/2018 09:15

Yes yabu to just give them stuff without their parents knowledge or consent upsetting their mother is quite a shitty thing to do and their dad doesn't want to throw money at them either,but I think you probably love being their mate and the good guy.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 04/04/2018 09:21

Then DSS will just be sat home all half term and half of summer holidays. Well their dad is busy and also not that interested, he let’s me deal with it.

Yes I want to be the good guy but I also love them and don’t want them to feel left out.
DH and I have two DC together. They are the kind of kids that have nannies, private school, sailing for summer, skiing in the winter. My parents have created a trust fund for them in the hundreds of thousands. Maybe I do feel guilty that’s why I agree to most things they ask.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 04/04/2018 09:27

Op I think it's great you want to treat your step kids the same and have the same luxurys as your kids. Any chance you could sit down with their mum and have an honest discussion as ob mum has bug concerns. Does she think your buying the kids? Your level of luxury would be very unusual to lots of people. 3k for kids holiday does blow my mind a bit

freakydeakydo · 04/04/2018 09:31

Wait a minute is no one going to comment on the fact that their mother basically stole money from her sons under the guise of "confiscating" it?? Confused

Notproudofthisone · 04/04/2018 09:36

Yeah why is the mum stealing their money?! What in God’s name!
I think it’s reasonable for you to want to give your step sons experiences, and nice things. I think the mum is jealous, maybe try and have a word and say you’re not stepping on her toes but get your DH to say the children are lucky enough to have these things and not to deprive them?

Gide · 04/04/2018 09:55

Where is the money now?

LadyLancelot · 04/04/2018 09:55

Set up a bank account for them and put any money you want to give them in there. Are they old enough to have a debit card? I think that if the gift card for Amazon hasn't been spent then you should be able to get it back through your Amazon account.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 04/04/2018 09:59

Yabvu earning money for big ticket items is a life lesson and one you're depriving them of.

You also seem to be consciously undermining the mother. Which is just downright spiteful

Annechristmas · 04/04/2018 10:01

I think it's lovely that you want to treat them but you're ignoring what their parent wants which is not on. I think their mother's idea that they should work towards expensive gifts is a good one and will help them in the long run.

Also unless she has the same spare cash it does feel unfair that you can buy them things that she can't.

She's a cheeky bugger though for keeping the money. I'd ask her for it back.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 04/04/2018 10:04

You can cancel the Amazon voucher via your account

00100001 · 04/04/2018 10:05

You kindly of are undermining the parents here. They have said not to spend so much money. Yet you keep doing it. You're stepping over the line. Keep offering but don't make the parents feel bad. She obviously isn't as wealthy as you, so you prancing in and flashing the cash is making her look shot.
Just stop it. They're not your kids. How would you fee if a step parent was doing the same for your kids? You buy them a...new car for £15k. And then step mum,comes in and decides that's not good enough buys them a new Mercedes at £45k? Despite you saying don't spend the money in the kids???

Floralnomad · 04/04/2018 10:09

The OP is not giving them stuff without their parents knowledge presumably their dad is the OPs partner . I wouldn’t be giving them money anymore , open savings accounts for them so she can’t touch it .

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/04/2018 10:16

Agree with chatting with the mum. Come to an agreement on birthday spends and any shortfall put into an account for them. Whilst you're at it tell her to stop stealing the money. If she's that offended she'd be handing it back!

PatriciaHolm · 04/04/2018 10:16

Maybe she would rather their father actually engaged with them rather than you trying to buy their love and attention all the time?

You say your husband isn't engaged or interested. I would imagine that's a bigger issue than you are allowing for here. Effectively you are ignoring her wishes (getting kids to work towards something expensive they want is a good lesson, for example).

She obviously has no right to take money they have been given, but you don't seem to know exactly what she has done with it. Maybe she has put it away for another time.

You may mean well. But it comes across very much as you playing lady bountiful, with a side order of guilt about your husbands disengagement.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 04/04/2018 10:16

Oh ok so i guess I’ll tell them sorry no flat in London for you but your half siblings got a flat each... how’s that helping the dss?

OP posts:
Tringley · 04/04/2018 10:20

Oh fuck off Vanessa. You are deliberately undermining their mother as a way of feeling superior because your husband is a shitty and uninterested dad. It's pathetic. Your money doesn't make you superior and believe me, the boys will see that when they are older and they will not be impressed by it. London flat or no London flat.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 04/04/2018 10:22

I guess she won’t allow me to pay for their university tuition and living either but they need to get loans. Shame.

I’m not being spiteful, i just want them to get the best.
There’s no way they can work towards a trip abroad. One year both DSS didn’t go skiing. It should be part of a family experience not a bargaining tool.

Yes she took their money, I don’t know where it went. She’d claim it was used to pay for their new bike/upkeep or whatever.

My parents have gifted me a large country estate, when I sell it i could use the proceed to buy them a small london flat each.

OP posts:
orangesmartieseggs · 04/04/2018 10:25

She shouldn't have gotten rid of the Amazon gift card, that was wrong.

But the rest of it, they're minors and they're not your children. She probably feels HUGELY inadequate that their father has this wife who can go around buying them flats in London, can splash £3000 on a holiday without worrying about paying the bills that month, and who thinks nothing of buying them branded clothes at the drop of a hat.

I feel sorry for her. Back off. They're not your children to decide for.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 04/04/2018 10:26

Nobody thinks of the children? What they want?

OP posts:
Springnowplease · 04/04/2018 10:26

Can't get past the ex stealing their money.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 04/04/2018 10:33

If my mother couldn’t afford it and my stepmother kindly offered to pay for my university education and a flat to boot, I’d be very grateful. I’d feel the same if it were my kids, as I’d want the best for them and put my own feelings aside.

I think he should get to go to a summer camp.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2018 10:33

Interesting comparison with the recent thread where the OPs ex was being ridiculed for objecting to OPs new partners generosity and the consensus was that all opportunities available to th children should be theirs and it was totally unfair they had to miss our because their dad was more interacted in his macho pride than his children’s best interests.

Here, the other parent is actually stealing from the DC and some of you are still defending her Hmm

If OP can make their lives easier and better by sharing her good fortune, if doing so bridges the potential gap between the children in this blended family, then how can that be bad.

Like some posters said on the other thread, it’s not the DCs fault their mum doesn’t earn much, if their dad and his partner do, they should obviously benefit from it.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/04/2018 10:36

Op isn’t giving them stuff without their parents knowledge ffs, she is in a long term realtionship with the father. So presumably he knows and is fine with them having stuff, they are not only the mother’s children.

Taking the money that had been given to the children was also wrong, so she stole from her own dc then since nobody knows where it’s gone.

Throw gift cards away becuase you don’t like the fact is from the other parents is stupid and so a waste.

Denying your dc a holiday they would very much enjoy because it would be with the other parent, again they are not only the mothers dc so why does only she get to decide?

Denying the other parent paying uni fees is stupid also, I mean you’d rather your dc was in debt Confused

Ok maybe the Mum can’t afford the same things but that’s just tough really isn’t it, the dc should still be allowed to have presents etc from the father and his long term partner. I also think it’s important to treat dc the same regardless of if they are yours or step children

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 04/04/2018 10:37

The thing is, whilst your intentions may be good, it isn't up to you to decide what is best for them. It's up to their DPs. If dad is as disinterested as you say, then it's not up to you to compensate for that, no matter how well-intentioned. Ex should not be confiscating and keeping your money - ask her for it back. I would imagine that she is sick of you trying to undermine the VALUES she seeks to instil in her children. She wants them to understand the value of luxury experiences / having things they want. This is really positive and unless you intend to fund your own kids for life (I hope not!) maybe you should consider trying to teach them that lesson too. If you want to include the DSS in family experiences, go on family holidays during their time with you and their DF. But don't expect you trying to undermine the way ex wants to bring up her kids using your money to go down well. Ask for the cash back, cancel the voucher. If you want to gift expensive things or experiences to the DSSs outside of your time with them, discuss it with their DM first! Ask her permission. She is their mother. You are not.

Adviceplease360 · 04/04/2018 10:41

How very kind of you.
Most step mothers couldn't give a toss about the other kids so I think you are lovely and unappreciated by the sounds of it.

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