To spoil the stepsons

[Vanessatiger]

By spoiling I mean buying branded shoes and clothes and give them “expensive “ holidays.

Unfortunately DH isn’t too engaged in buying them presents, calling or booking the holidays. They ask me. I usually meet them halfway or more. I have a cordial relationship with them, they grew up around me. Since age 4 and 6. They are now teenagers.

Last yr DSS asked for an expensive item relating to games etc, i said I don’t really know what exactly it is so I gave him an amazon gift card at £100 plus a book, a jacket and a pair of shoes. His mother seeing all this threw his amazon gift card away. She said we should give her the money and she’ll decide what to buy him.

DSS2 wants to go to camp in a European country, costs about 3k all in for 2 weeks. I think it’s reasonable. His mum thinks he should work towards it, to earn the holiday. So banned us from buying such holiday. Same with the year before that DSS1 wanted to go skiing with his friends, we said okay but his mum said he can’t go because they will make own family half term plans. But mum and stepdad had to work so they ended up sitting at home doing nothing.

My parents gave the DSS a substantial amount of spending money last summer, in the hundreds, their mum confiscated the money saying it’s excessive but did not offer to put the money in their savings account.

She claims they will become spoiled brats but this is how we live and treat our children. We don’t see buying them an experience as spoiling them.

AIBU to “spoil” them?

Like some posters said on the other thread, it’s not the DCs fault their mum doesn’t earn much, if their dad and his partner do, they should obviously benefit from it.

Yes, but constantly overriding one parents' wishes is not a very nice thing to do. How would you feel if your ex got with someone who was extremely wealthy and constantly overshadowed anything you could ever do for your kids? That can't be a very nice feeling, knowing that whatever you can afford, someone else can waltz in and do ten times better than you without a second thought.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to give your step children what you can afford and what you give your bio children, making their lives easier.
The mother sounds incredibly jealous and selfish, putting her own ego above her children, dont give in to her.

DH is ok with giving them things.
The problem is their mother says if we want to treat the DSS we should just hand over the cash.
She’s the type who flies business class to holidays whilst the DSS sits in econ. She’d go on expensive holidays herself with the stepdad leaving DSS with their grandparents. I’m sorry but I don’t how that’d teach them a meaningful lesson.

So she's stealing her children's money. What a wonderful mother she is.

OP, you need to be a bit more clever about your gifts. Don't give an Amazon gift card, credit your stepson's account instead. Don't allow money anywhere near their mother.

If you're in a position to buy your stepchildren a flat or pay their university fees, just do it once they're 18. It's kind and generous to treat your stepchildren just the same as your own children, that's the important thing. Your stepchildren will remember your fairness all their lives. You're teaching them a big life lesson here.

WUB

Yes set up a bank account for them you have no idea where this money goes but it sounds like these kids are stuck between you all which is a real shame

What is WUB?

Good on you for treating your step children the same as your own. It's certainly not up to me what other people spend their money on, it's not up to your DSS Mum either.

The only reservation is have us if it gave the dc and attitude with their mum.

If their dad or you were taking their gifts there would be bloody hell to pay on here!

I learned from mumsnet that if a stepdad wants to pay for his stepsons private education then he’s a brilliant stepdad and the bio dad is selfish for not want it for his son. If a stepmum wants to do the same she’s downright spiteful for outdoing the bio mum.

I can see both sides here, but as these children grow older, they will resent their father if their step siblings have advantages that they don't. They will see it as though he only cared about his "second family " and not them. But I can also see the side of the mum, but I wonder is she being a little spiteful refusing to let OP pay for things or does she really want them to learn "life lessons". In reality, if someone wanted to pay for my son's university fees and/or a flat in London, I would be delighted that they had that advantage in life.

Are they nice op? Do they help out at home and are kind and thoughtful?

I would let all the children 'earn' their pocket money, clothes, holidays etc by being kind and helpful so all have jobs to do in and around the house etc and then the ££ they get is not making them spoilt, entitled brats but kind, considerate memebers of the extended family/society.

Win win situation then, isn't it?