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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and lack of interest..

35 replies

NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 15:34

Apologies on both counts - for the name change and the MIL thread...

DH and I have been TTC for 4 years, we coped reasonably well until about a year ago and I am only just about able to keep my head above water and get my job done and persevere with endless treatment.

Both sets of parents live locally (my parents twenty mins away, his are 30 mins away). We moved to the area to buy a house and be close to family. We're very happy here, all good on that front. When I met DH 12 years ago I always made a huge effort with his family and got on with them. They're pleasant but you never scratch below the surface. In all this time we have never created any 'memories', funny sayings or anything. The stuff which makes families 'families', if that makes sense?

Fast forward...life has been extremely hard. I always thought his family were distant but always put it down to us being young and them leaving us to it. When we moved down, I had them over for lunches, dinners, bbqs you name it. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful relationship with my parents (DH actively chooses to spend time alone with my Dad and brother for example) and they have been invaluable over the past few years and have kept us sane. They feel this like we do and are desperate for us to finally get our baby.

I started to find it odd that they never showed an interest in something that is extremely painful so I tried to involve her by keeping her up to date. In the meantime, they have bought a flat for DH's brother (mil has been married to his stepdad since DH was 4) using inheritance money. We've never had a penny from them (not that I expect it). I've had three surgeries this year and she has never once enquire as to how I am. I lost a baby in November and it has never been mentioned. She told DH that she "won't mention it to stepdad" why, I wonder?!!!
They don't have any problems, always on holiday and life is quite calm for them. We will be having another ivf attempt next month and when DH spoke to her last week she said she's happy to chip in £100. Don't bother. They are very well off and I find that insulting. Besides, we have paid for this ourselves.

WWYD? I don't want to cause trouble (these are his parents and I want to be respectful) but where do you draw the line and expect more from people? Surely this isn't normal. I feel sorry for DH, he is the kindest, most generous man but I wish he got more from them.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 03/04/2018 15:38

I think you've tried more than should be expected.

I would stop inviting them for BBQ s, lunches etc or giving them updates. They don't seem to be interested. DSBIL is probably the golden child.

How does your DH feel about it? Who usually suggests having them over, you or him?

Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 15:42

Thanks.

i mentioned to him last year that I was disappointed in them and he agreed but I don't think he'd say anything. It's just so fake when we do see them. How can they not mention this, even fleetingly?! The fact that my FIL doesn't know about our miscarriage (like it's a big dirty secret) makes me think mil was so unmoved by it that it didn't even take up her thoughts! I couldn't keep something like that from DH

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 15:42

Wrt to having ten over, I tend to initiate the meet ups

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 03/04/2018 15:45

A lot of people aren't really interested until a baby is actually born. Some even find things like miscarriage or infertility shameful. This might explain her not mentioning these things to FIL. Such attitudes are particularly prevalent in some cultures/families where a woman' a role is considered to be primarily to bare and raise children I have noticed. My in laws were not unlike this. Their interest in me spiked significantly when the first baby was about to be born. They are also generally a bit distant. Some people ate just like that. You've tried and that's what counts. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to just not bother at this point.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/04/2018 15:45

Sounds like the ideal time to concentrate on your own happiness.

Let her fade into the background of your lives.

Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 15:47

Thanks both. Totally get where you're coming from but they are far from prudes, I think they just don't give a shit!

OP posts:
birdladyfromhomealone · 03/04/2018 15:52

Im so sorry.
How old is your MIL? Mine was the same. It might be her generather (70's) My loss was just a lump of jelly and never spoken about.
Good luck next month wishing you both well.
I would not make contact and leave youDH to arrange things in future.

Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 15:55

Thank you - yes that the approach I am taking. If she wants to contact us, she can get in touch with her son.

They're both 56 and retired early three years ago!

OP posts:
Becles · 03/04/2018 16:01

A post a few months ago complained that the mil shared information about a miscarriage with her husband. Not always easy to navigate family life when there are intense emotions in the mix and different people have different expectations.

EarlyNinetiesDecor · 03/04/2018 16:05

My MIL is very similar. I’ve had to just drop the idea that we’ll ever be a close family as she seems to place very little value on spending time with her family, and prefers to focus on her own holidays, hobbies, etc.

We’ve got two DC (born 2014 and 2017) and she’s never, on any single occasion, instigated contact or suggested seeing them. She only lives an hour away from our city on the train, and on the rare times DH will speak to her on the phone, she’ll sometimes mention she’s made the trip to see her friends who live here. The idea of texting us and saying ‘Hi! Fancy a coffee/trip to the park with the DC for an hour as I’m in town for the day!’ just wouldn’t occur to her. She’s occasionally suggested meeting DH only, which has made me feel hurt, on behalf of the DC mainly. She cancelled coming to DS’ birthday party as she’d forgotten something she’d previously arranged, and has met our DD (born a year ago) a total of 3 times, all instigated by us. DH has tried to discuss it with her a few times, in a jokey way (‘how are you? We’ve forgotten what you look like!’) and a couple of times he’s been more serious but nothing changes.

Thing is, when we do meet up she’s fine (we last saw her at Xmas, at our house, her first visit and we’d been there 5 months). She’s a nice lady, a little quiet when you’re in her company, but talking to her isn’t awkward or strained. She’s a total mystery to me really, I can’t understand how she can be happy to see so little of us.

Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 16:07

Early nineties - that is shameful. But she sounds EXACTLY like mine, even down to the fact that she's pleasant when we see her. Utterly bizarre!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/04/2018 16:19

How much does your dh chat to his Mum, or the rest of his family, about his feelings, or details of what you are both going through, or the pain you are both coping with ?
I do think this is a bit of a "MiL can't win" situation. there are loads of threads on here from women complaining about MiLs 'sticking their noses in' / 'wanting to know every detail of our private business' / etc.
A lot of people don't like to discuss it.
I know Sooooo many couples who, on finding they weren't able to have children, very much didn't want other people to know, or, if they confided in someone close, (maybe me) then said, "but don't tell people as dh doesn't want anyone to know" and so forth.
So many people don't want to talk about it. You have taken great comfort from your family's way of dealing with things, but it doesn't mean it is the same for everyone.
I am sorry for what you are going through, but I don't think it is fair to take your anger out on your MiL.

crimsonlake · 03/04/2018 16:20

I think as hard as it is what you are going through perhaps they do not like to bring it up as it is so personal to yourselves. Some people are like that and very private and I do not think it necessarily means they do not care.Most people do not get excited by the journey to get a baby in the same way the future parents do.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2018 16:33

I wouldn't do anything. The haven't done anything wrong. They're just private people, you're social, both are fine. Just don't invite them so much.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/04/2018 16:43

She’s a total mystery to me really, I can’t understand how she can be happy to see so little of us. She's probably trying to give you space, let you live your own lives. It's very hard being a MIL

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/04/2018 17:01

There will be many posters on MN who would say your set up is blissful. She sounds like she's giving you enough space and privacy without pushing the boundaries. It's hard being a MIL ( especially after reading so many awful MIL threads on here ) because you don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

You do sound a bit resentful about the fact PILs have bought BIL a flat though, could this be clouding your thoughts?

Wishing you well ttc OP.

EarlyNinetiesDecor · 03/04/2018 17:19

I know mere but there’s giving space, and there’s not replying to texts, calls and emails for months, and never ever suggesting spending time with her DS/DIL/DGC. I’m obviously pleased she’s got her own life to lead, but I’d like my DC to see their GM sometimes without having to feel like we’re forcing her to spend time with us!

I wish you all the best for the future OP Smile

WildCherryBlossom · 03/04/2018 17:23

People are different. It wouldn't have occurred to me to discuss my miscarriage with my MIL (or my mother either for that matter). I felt very private about it at the time. I think you just need to accept that people deal with these things differently and enjoy the support you can rely on from your family. Don't stop inviting them around - keep up the good relationship you have built up, but don't expect emotional support.

Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 19:17

Thanks. Perhaps I have different ideas of what family dynamics should look like. I just can't imagine having a son and not contacting his wife to say I'm thinking of her in these circumstances. There's keeping your distance and there's not giving a shit in my opinion.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/04/2018 19:45

Maybe she thought it would be intrusive to bring your miscarriage up OP? Without knowing her it's hard to say really why she didn't say something.

I really think sometimes a MIL is wrong no matter what she does.

Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 19:49

Thanks. I find my experience of MILs in real life varies somewhat to that on MN sometimes (that sounds like I'm undermining or being rude, not the case) but pretty much all my friends have MILs who show a basic interest in the health of their DIL when their son has told them things are not good.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 19:50

Moreover, she knows I wouldn't be the type to think "how dare you ask" in response to a question about how I'm doing after several significant difficult experiences

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeSorry · 03/04/2018 19:54

Makes me hope I never have a son if the expectation is that I never speak to him or his wife under any circumstances Hmm does anyone know of somewhere you can select the sex of your baby?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/04/2018 19:57

Personally speaking I do ring DIL to ask her how she is rather than go through DS because if I did ask DS to let her know I was thinking of her the message would probably not get relayed.

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt OP, I hope things can sort themselves out with you and MIL soon. Sorry if you've said but have you tried asking her out for lunch or a coffee? Could be a bit of an icebreaker if you felt up to it?

Notevilstepmother · 03/04/2018 19:58

I think your MIL is behaving as most people would want a MIL to be. Not every family is as close as yours and for many people your family might be too much.

I wouldn’t want to discuss my health issues with MIL, I don’t always discuss it with my own mum.

I think it’s great that’s she is respectful of your right to privacy and time with your DH and that she doesn’t gossip about your miscarriage.

My previous neighbour (who I knew to say hello to, and very occasionally have coffee with, but wasn’t close to) had her MIL over to visit, who proceeded to tell me all about their reasons for not providing her with a grandchild and how awful it was. Confused.