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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell her....

30 replies

notagain123456 · 03/04/2018 14:39

Hi, this will be long and i will try not to out myself.

My friend has been with her husband a long time, back at the beginning he beat her up whilst he was high on coke.

She was pregnant and forgave him in the end and he said he would never do coke again. I stood by her decision even though i didnt agree i never let it affect how i was with him because she didnt want me to. There has been numerous issues in between which i wont go into but lots of big issues in the relationship all of which could have caused divorce but she has stood by him.

Heres the thing, he was taking cocaine at my wedding last year, he did it in front of my husband (who is extremely anti drugs), he has also done it on one other occasion in front of my husband and has talked about it (hinting ) in front of me.
my friend has no clue and he even openly says how against it he is (which is very frustrating) i think he knows i know and wants me to say something.

i am in a very difficult situation as i know this would end the relationship.
The reason i am asking now and didnt say anything at the time is we have spent quite a bit of time with them lately and he was goading me and trying to cause arguments, and im not sure why and my friend has only just told me one of the big issues that they have. knowing what i know on top of this makes me feel i should tell her. I also itch at the thought of spending time with them now but shes been my best friend since day dot.

Ive been in a position before where i spoke up and people turned on me so i have said i wouldnt speak up in future.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/04/2018 14:43

I would say that as her personal safety was at risk here alongside the the risk of the kids finding the drugs and now dangerous that would be I'd have to tell her.

But

Don't tell her unless you are prepared to be there and help her find out where she can go etc

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/04/2018 14:45

Tell her but be prepared for that old being the messenger chestnut and her being mad with you.

TroubledLichen · 03/04/2018 14:47

I would tell her, especially as the safety of her and the children is at risk. But be prepared for it to ruin the friendship; she might go into denial, he might claim you’re making it all up and there’s a good chance she’ll stay with him anyway and stop speaking to you. But it sounds like you already know that since you mention you’ve had people turn on you before. If it were me though, I couldn’t not tell her given his history of violence whilst on coke.

JD360 · 03/04/2018 14:48

I would keep my nose out. excuses the pun

DragonMummy1418 · 03/04/2018 14:49

Tell her!

JD360 · 03/04/2018 14:50

Unless you think her safety is at risk sorry pressed send to soon

Original poster

notagain123456 · 03/04/2018 14:54

ive kept my nose out so far except to listen to her and i know over the years shes not told me as much because she knows what i think. i wouldnt want it coming back to bite me on the butt and i'd be throwing my husband under the bus too by saying something. I dont think she would be mad at me. but i know he would if he found out it was me who said something and he would go out of his way to ruin me somehow.

OP posts:

thebear1 · 03/04/2018 14:58

Would she believe you? If you think she would and he wouldn't be able to convince her you were making it up then I would tell. Otherwise no, it will just spoil your friendship.

Original poster

notagain123456 · 03/04/2018 15:01

im confident she would believe me but then stay with him and i wouldnt be able to see her again as i cant be around him. saying that i dont want to be around him anyway anymore.

OP posts:

JessTessMess · 03/04/2018 15:03

I would tell her, especially cocaine use and because of the history of violence - I’ve a long term friend that did something appallingly violent after getting into cocaine and I’d be worried about her and the dcs safety.

Even if you can’t be her main support, she deserves to know, it’s a red line for her and most people.

I’m sure her DH does want you to tell her, that’s neither her nor there really. She needs to know.

GirlsBlouse17 · 03/04/2018 15:03

He sounds a nasty piece of work. I think the right thing to do is to tell her. Speak to your husband first about your decision. Explain to him that the important thing you are considering here is your friend's safety. He will surely understand that

JessTessMess · 03/04/2018 15:04

Come what may notagain maybe a period of no contact will help her see she does need to leave as his behaviour isn’t ok? She’s always got your number if she does decide to get away from him.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/04/2018 15:07

You have confirmed that if she found out she wouldn’t leave him anyway so I’m not sure what you have to gain?

Nothing.

Cocaine keeps people awake way after bedtime. In all honesty she probably knows.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2018 15:08

You are not sure why he’s trying to goad and provoke you into a row with him.

It’s simple, he’s a domestic abuser and as such one of his strong urges will be to isolate her or try to isolate her from her support network. In order to make abusing her easier and her less able to leave.

One would imagine you are her support network. Therefore to him you are a risk that he needs to isolate her from, don’t let him.

SherbertLemon2011 · 03/04/2018 15:09

I am worried that he is trying to isolate her. I think this partly because of him goading to and partly because he suspects you know and if you tell she will likely stay with him but your friendship would be fractured

SandyY2K · 03/04/2018 15:11

If she's going to stay with him regardless ... then it's clearly not a dealbreaker for her and I don't see the point in saying anything.

It's tricky...
Could you maybe have a hypothetical conversation about what she'd do if he was still doing coke?

MammaTJ · 03/04/2018 15:13

This, in spades. He is trying to goad you into telling her, feeling secure that she will not leave him, but could be bullied into dumping you. He is so trying to cut her off from support, so he can truly be in control of her.

mzcracker · 03/04/2018 15:14

I would highly doubt it would end their relationship if you told her, he beat her up and shes still with him so she has a very low bar already.
I suspect it would end your friendship though.
But yes I would tell her. She deserves to know regardless of how she chooses to use the information.

SofieMonde · 03/04/2018 15:17

Talk to your husband first and say you are also worried about your safety as he might try to 'ruin you'. He sounds like a nasty bastard.

maybe you and your husband can tell her together. either way she does need to know for her own and the kids safety.

If you know she will believe you then it is ok. She may be angry at you but at the end of the day she knows you care about her and are doing it for the right reasons.

Windmyonlyfriend · 03/04/2018 15:20

I completely agree with previous posters who’ve said he’s trying to get you to cut yourself out.

The fact he’s actively and very unsubtley trying to goad you in to telling her means he sees it as something that would be in his best interests, for whatever reason.

She’ll figure it out for herself sooner or later (as others have said, she won’t be oblivious to the signs.)

Don’t play in to his hands when he so clearly wants you to.

GirlsBlouse17 · 03/04/2018 15:21

Is there a way you could record him taking cocaine, on your phone for instance?

Original poster

notagain123456 · 03/04/2018 15:30

Ahh yes makes sense now thankyou. I had the hypothetical conversation via text this morning and he has swore to her on his childs life, she completley believes him as she sent me a chapter about it.
Believe it or not she is a strong person and doesnt need him so it confuses me why she is with him. I dont believe he would hurt her physically again as it was over a decade ago and it only happened once.

OP posts:

Original poster

notagain123456 · 03/04/2018 15:32

girlsblouse, he hasnt taken it in front of me and if he did i would tell her for sure, its the fact i'm going off someone elses word, i know my husband is telling the truth but dont want to cause trouble for him either.

OP posts:

PinkHeart5914 · 03/04/2018 15:40

I don’t see the point tbh. I mean this man has fucked up over and over and yet she chooses to stay married to him so what will telling her change 🤷🏻‍♀️ She isn’t going to leave him.

I think if you want your friendship with her to continue you just need to accept she’s never going to leave no matter what and if you can’t then you probably need to take a step back from the friendship as all your doing is infuriating yourself

Original poster

notagain123456 · 03/04/2018 15:42

pink heart you are right, i will always be her friend and be there for her but need to take a step back so i'm not around him. I have a feeling she will always make excuses for him.

OP posts:

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