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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell people the sex?

69 replies

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 03/04/2018 13:55

I have my anomaly scan soon. DP was keen to find out the sex and whilst I initially wasn’t too bothered, I’m now looking forward to it (baby’s co-operation permitting!).

However, I don’t really want to tell anyone else until baby is here. I don’t see how it makes any difference to family/friends excitement about the baby or their treatment of him/her. I’m also keen to keep names under wraps until baby is born (as we have decided and don’t need opinions!) which I think will be easier if we don’t tell anyone what we’re having.

I have a couple of friends who are really putting the pressure on for us to tell them what we’re having. I don’t see why they need to know or how it affects them at all?! I’ve basically been accused of being selfish or dramatic for wanting DP and I to have a nice secret and something to be excited about between us. I wish I’d never mentioned that we’d decided to find out!

OP posts:
sunshinestorm · 03/04/2018 15:23

Agree with everyone else. Just say baby wouldn't cooperate. Sorted.

LucyGayheart · 03/04/2018 15:25

I never understand the deeply weird, prissy attitude to knowing the sex and not saying on Mn. We didn't tell anyone, because

(a) my SILs were both obsessed with Having The Girls They Really Wanted, However Many Boy Babies It Took (2 in one case, 3 in the other), and I knew they would commiserate like mad when they knew I was carrying a boy that would definitely be my only child -- and they did, after he was born and it was fairly depressing, especially as we'd both nearly died...

and

(b) to avert the stream of blue/pink tat I knew would start flooding in.

I have no issue at all with knowing, and not disclosing. It's not like it's all that interesting to anyone else, is it? They're either boys or girls. And I cannot in all conscience why I should have to coyly pretend the baby only waved its arse at the scan, or that the sonographer refused to tell, or that we chose not to find out. Why not tell the truth? We know, but we're not telling you. You'll have to wait another 20 weeks to find out whether it's a boy, girl, kitten, vampire, dodo or the many other possibilities.... [hmmm]

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2018 15:25

In future the trick to keeping a secret is not to tell people that you plan on keeping a secret

This. It's a bit silly.

treaclesoda · 03/04/2018 15:25

I think it's spectacularly rude to ask someone what sex the baby is. If it's someone I know well, I might ask them if they know, whilst also stressing that I'm not asking them to tell me.

I think it's really strange that anyone would think it is any of their business. No one has ever told me the sex of their baby before they were born.

Tippexy · 03/04/2018 15:26

Do people think the word sex is rude or something?!

flufffysockks · 03/04/2018 15:29

Finding out but telling friends and family you didn't find out is one thing. That's fine. It's a proper secret. No drama.

Telling people you are finding out but not telling anyone is silly. It makes you look daft and immature.

Nobody really gives a crap apart from the parents anyway, it's going to go one way or the other. I can't understand all the dramatics surrounding finding out a baby's sex with big reveals or making a thing of 'not telling'.

ApocalypseNowt · 03/04/2018 15:30

Agree with other posters that telling people you don't know when really you do is fine. However telling people you know but it's a secret is weird smug and annoying.

SIL did this with all her dc. She even send pictures of a rug with green elephants on it as a 'clue' wanting us to guess Confused

Please don't.

noeffingidea · 03/04/2018 15:31

People who say we know but we are not saying come across as so smug and dull
Wow, you sound kind of weird. It's her pregnancy, she's perfectly entitled to keep any information about it to herself, without having to lie about it.

noeffingidea · 03/04/2018 15:40

It makes you look daft and immature
You know what seems daft and immature to me? Thinking people should lie rather than simply accepting being told ' we do know, thanks, but we've decided to keep it to ourselves until the baby's born'.
You might have a point if the OP keeps raising the subject herself, but if she's just replying to her friends then why should she lie?

ChikiTIKI · 03/04/2018 15:48

I wouldn't tell anyone either. One of the reasons I didn't want to find out the sex at the scan was because I didn't want people's input in name choices and I thought not knowing the sex would make it more difficult for people to suggest names. Also I thought I don't want loads of pink or blue stuff being bought in advance by the grandparents.

Hillarious · 03/04/2018 16:01

Tell them they'll find out soon enough.

Holycrapwhatnow · 03/04/2018 16:30

Just don't tell everyone that you know but aren't telling. One of my friends did that and like pps here - it seemed really weird, like a child hoarding a secret.
Also, frankly, the two of you and maybe your mum are the only people who actually have any real interest in the sex of your baby - so why hide it from other people who are probably just trying to make small talk, or at best, buy you a baby present?

Original poster
Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 03/04/2018 16:30

As others have stated, I have just replied to the question ‘are you going to find out?’ with ‘yes I think so bit we’ll probably keep it to outselves’, it hasn’t been paraded out as some big secret or anything.

OP posts:
IAmWonkoTheSane · 03/04/2018 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sockunicorn · 03/04/2018 16:34

I would claim you don’t know :). That way no pressure

bluebeck · 03/04/2018 16:36

Are you sure DP won't tell anyone though? Are you absolutely not telling anyone?

In my experience what happens is one parent tells their parents/GP/Sibling/Best Mate and before you know it everyone knows anyway.

gamerchick · 03/04/2018 16:42

You won’t be able to keep it secret because you and your husband will refer to the baby as he or she amongst yourselves and you or he will slip up once it’s become habit.

I do think it’s a bit attention seeking saying you no but are not telling but if you can’t be a bit attention seeking in pregnancy then when can’t you? You’re growing a new human.

Thistlebelle · 03/04/2018 16:44

I really struggle to see what is attention seeking about not discussing the sex of your baby.

I also struggle to understand why anyone else would care.

HermioneKipper · 03/04/2018 16:49

Agree it’s weird to tell people you’re finding out but then refusing to tell anyone. In all honesty no one gives a monkeys anyway - they’d be pleased either way so don’t really understand the secrecy! You should’ve said you weren’t finding out or as previous people have said it looks smug and immature

sirlee66 · 03/04/2018 16:52

Can you tell people you will not be assuming the baby's sex or gender and the baby can decide on their sex when they are born? I should imagine people will back away from you and not ask again.

As for names, just say you don't know yet but are open to suggestions.

Appuskidu · 03/04/2018 16:53

I get not finding out, and I get finding out and revealing, I even get finding out but not telling anyone you know, but I don't get finding out and refusing to tell everyone. It makes me think of a kid smugly grinning "I know something you don't know!".
It's just weird.

Exactly. I don’t really see the difference between that and this:-

I have just replied to the question ‘are you going to find out?’ with ‘yes I think so bit we’ll probably keep it to outselves

It all smacks of a ‘nur, nicky, nur nur’ straight from the KS1 playground to me!

Justanotherzombie · 03/04/2018 16:56

I always find this so weird. What is the big secret?

Original poster
Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 03/04/2018 17:06

Okay I’m clearly being massively unreasonable, I’ll just have some lovely big tacky ‘gender’ reveal party with coloured cakes and balloons instead 🙄

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/04/2018 17:26

Why don't you want them to know?

OnTheRise · 03/04/2018 17:30

You know what seems daft and immature to me? Thinking people should lie rather than simply accepting being told ' we do know, thanks, but we've decided to keep it to ourselves until the baby's born'.

I agree.

I don't think it's anyone's business but the parents', and if people push and demand to know I think it's fine to tell them to back off and butt out.

OP, keep it secret if you want. It's your little bit of joy, and no one else's.