to feel I am damaged goods and have wasted my life?

[Wasteofspace1]

Really struggling with the passing of time and the feeling that I have wasted my life. I feel like I'm damaged goods, and that no amount of therapy or positive thinking will put things right in my life.

I'm in my 50's and have never fulfilled my career ambitions, not though lack of ability or opportunities, but I think through fear of failure.

I guess it all stems back to my childhood - had an emotionally abusive upbringing as a teenager, I was a sensitive and insecure child to start with, and then after my parent's divorce my father remarried and the old story, I didn't get on with his new wife, and at the age of 16 I was kicked out of the family home to live with elderly relatives.

Long story short, this all left me feeling desperately insecure and unhappy, and I think has been my over riding priority ever since. Rather than focus on my career after graduating from university, I was only interested and focused on finding a boyfriend who would "save" me. None of this was conscious, its just looking back on it now I realise why i behaved the way I did.

I always shied away from the career I truly wanted to succeed in, for fear of failure, and have always settled for less. After three children, I now work part time from home in a job that is related to the career I wanted to pursue. But I'm now 55 and every day I have that ghastly sick feeling that I have wasted my life and have not achieved anything like I wanted to. I feel that time is passing me by and it's too late to do anything about it.

This is all exacerbated by the fact that my husband and I are separated and my daughters are growing up fast (in their mid to late teens), and soon I will be faced with an empty nest. I am terrified of this prospect, and am becoming increasingly anxious about it. I feel such a failure, and desperately insecure once again. I feel I'm all washed up at 55, with no career, no partner, no financial security. I'm such a fucking waste of space.

How do I come to terms with the fact that I'll never be the person I wanted to be, and live with these terrible regrets?

As George Elliot said “it is never to late to become what you might have been”. I am very slightly younger than you I feel much the same. Not so much I haven’t fulfilled my ambitions but more I have chased the wrong ones. In the process of recalibrating my life to chime more with what my actual wants and values are. It will involve earning less but I can live with that.

Don’t waste time on regrets... decide what you would like to do and make the appropriate plans

Good Luck.

I think it's a common feeling. Life rarely goes how you hoped. I have numerous worthless qualifications and a huge student debt that I'll never be able to pay off because, despite my qualifications, I can't get a job that pays more than min wage. My entire life has been a waste and I'm a complete failure. I do have some good things (my DC) but I'm still filled with regret. Perhaps just realise that the majority of people feel like this and you aren't special or unlucky.

At the moment you are looking at the past and dreading the future. At this rate, the future is going to happen to you.

It's time to make a fresh start. Decide who you want to be next year, in 3 years, in 10 years, and work your way towards making that happen.
Start making lists; things you like, things you dont like, things you want, things you want to do. Work out who you are and what you want. Work out one goal thats achievable and start with that.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I'm sure the empty nest prospect and reality will be hard but is there any way to see this as an opportunity? Have you always wanted to travel/study/volunteer/learn a new skill but not had the time or space before?

What if you're not actually a failure? What if you realised that no-one else judges you that way?
What do you want out of your life now?
Don't mean to sound like a therapist but agree with Godotsarrived - decide what you want to be/do and make plans. It's not too late.

Thanks for the feedback and nice to know I'm not in the same boat.
yes, I do realise that the only way forward is for me to stop dwelling on the past, but that's what I find really hard. I've suddenly become really nostalgic, and can barely listen to much music from my youth without welling up.
I think that the prospect of my kids leaving home is making me feel like this - or even more so. That part of my life is over, and it's painful to come to terms with being surplus to requirements.

However, I must make a plan for the rest of my life, otherwise as you say upstartcrow the future will happen to me. Has anyone else completely changed their lives for the better?

I was feeling a bit like that about a year ago - different stage of life but def felt like I was failing.

I decided to set myself some personal goals that didn’t have anything to do with anyone else - loose two stone, start running & enter a race.

I achieved both & it felt awesome, I’m now on the brink of separating from my husband so am trying to create some more goals for myself to gain back a bit of control - get sober, pay off debt.

Can you look at goals that you want to reach to give yourself a bit of direction?

How do I come to terms with the fact that I'll never be the person I wanted to be, and live with these terrible regrets?

So choose to be someone else!

You are 55yo you aren’t dead.

Successful people are those with a plan B. Find your plan B.

“success” isn’t about money or relationship status or career. It’s about how you feel inside.

Find something you’d like to do and start planning.

When your girls leave Home that’s your opportunity, possibly for the first time in your life you have the freedom to do anything you want.

Don’t worry about it, revel in it!

Further education, take up a hobby, a sport, get involved in community or charity work, travel. There’s a million things you can to.

Give yourself a shake and start thinking about a new you and what she might look like.

YANBU - but who says you will never become the person you want to be? Every day that you wake up, you're still alive and you still have time to change anything you don't like about your life. There's a photo that I like that does the rounds every so often on social media about famous people that didn't become famous until later on in life - can't remember the exact dates/ages/names but it included people like Alan Rickman, Oprah Winfrey, Colonel Sanders (I know that last one is a bit random) etc - they were all dissatisfied with their careers and knew they wanted something more so they went out and did it. Age wasn't a barrier to them, so you shouldn't feel like it's a barrier for you.

I'm a bit younger than you, but I also have an innate fear of time passing too quickly and not achieving everything I want to. UpstartCrow has some good advice - sit down and have a think about what you want to achieve, and the small steps you can take to get there. If you want a new career, can you retrain? Go to evening classes? Perhaps look into getting a full time job? If you're worried about your children leaving home, are there any hobbies that you can do that might bring you some peace of mind? E.g. writing, baking, knitting, horse riding (just throwing things into the pot here).

It might be worth you looking into mindfulness as well - it teaches you all about being present in the moment. It really helps me whenever I start to stress about the future. If you've been feeling this bad for a while, I would also suggest maybe going to your GP and talking through how you're feeling. They may be able to refer you to counselling services, which will help if you need someone to talk to.

Also, you're not a waste of space. Never think that - hope you start to feel better soon and realise what amazing potential you still have. We're all still here if you need someone to talk to x

MissMildred, yes I wouldn't say my friends think of me as a failure, and I think I probably come across as fairly self confident if you met me, but I'm measuring myself by my own (very high) standards, and comparing myself to someone at the very top of the career to which I aspire, and to which I do work in( just not in the upper realms, which I seem to think I belong - delusions of grandeur possibly.....!)

Lets face it, by not trying you can't fail. And that's always been my big problem. I have no idea why I'm so terrified of failure and what people think of me, but it's bloody ridiculous.

I've made a good start in 2018 in finally getting to grips with my weight problem which has dogged me most of my life, and somehow seem to be in control of my eating, which is a major ego boost. Have only lost about a stone and a half, but the point is that I feel I have found a sustainable way of eating that is resulting in me slowly losing weight.

Another project is to start online dating. I've dabbled in it before, but absolutely hated it. Can't quite explain why I find it so terrifying, but realise that at my advanced age the only way I'm probably going to meet someone again is online. So I've just got to bite the bullet and get on with it. It makes me feel sick though.

The above two issues somehow seem manageable, compared to my career situation which I really feel I've left too late to salvage. the business I work in is largely a young people's game, and I have just left it too late to get to where I'd really like to be. But I do need to explore other options and see if I could be more financially independent - at the moment I am heavily reliant on my ex husband for work (he works in the same sector), which isn't great. And I know he resents the fact that I am still reliant on him in this regard. I feel really guilty about it, but somehow paralysed with fear. I have applied for a few permanent jobs (at the moment I'm self employed), but these never come to anything, only serving to enhance my feelings of utter failure.

I'll tell you my mum's story. She married and had kids in her early twenties, and spent a good twenty years being a good wife and mother, supporting her ambitious husband's career, and neglecting any kind of career of her own to ensure that all was easy for him to be the big manly provider while she worked to earn money to make up the shortfall between their actual finances and what he wanted their outward status to look like.

And then the inevitable happened and he traded her in for a younger model. She was free to pick her own job to support us kids, raised us as best she could while Dad swanned off with the new bird, and eventually tackled breast cancer when I was in my first year of university. My brother went to live with my Dad because he dropped out of school and it was felt a firmer hand would never have let things reach that stage, I was heading abroad for my degree, and she was suddenly rattling around alone in her house. And she realised, once she recovered, that there was no reason she couldn't do whatever the hell she wanted with he rest of her life.

She's always wanted to do VSO, and had excellent secretarial skills, so she thought they might have some kind of place for her. The offered her the job of administrator of a hospital in Africa, and when she got there she realised that effectively meant running it, because the medical team were only doing the medical stuff, not running the hospital.

It was hard work, but she really came into her own and proved to herself that she had more to offer than being a wife or mother. She came back and did a master's degree, and then went on to work in the NHS until she retired. She hasn't looked back once since the day she realised she could choose.

So I would say, this is not the end. My mum is living proof that you don't have to be washed up and on the shelf. She has lived a good life, and if I end up half the woman she is, I will be proud. Set yourself a goal. Your past doesn't have to dictate your future

"thistlebelle" that made me laugh out loud "you're only 55, not dead"!!
Very true.

And "Pandapop" thank you for your lovely kind post. you also made me laugh at the Colonel Sanders reference!!

I feel so much better and positive already from your lovely comments and inspiring messages. I am determined to set myself some goals, and appreciate what I have in my life, rather than what I don't have. I'm bloody lucky in lots of respects, have my health, amazing friends, lovely kids (most of the time!), and am actually pretty comfortably off. So I need to start appreciating all that a whole lot more, and setting myself some goals as outlined above.

GrumpyInsomniac what a great story, that's really inspiring. So amazing that your Mum managed to change her life so dramatically!
And you are so right - the past doesn't have to dictate your future!

What a lovely uplifting post GRUMPYINSOMNIAC!

What a wonderful woman your Mum must be Grumpy.

Waste I hope you are inspired!!

OP, i totally understand re: fear of failure. I've left loads of jobs with potential very quickly (days, weeks) because I've been scared of failing, or i beat myself up for not getting it within a week 🙄.
So destructive and i end up with nothing.
So last year i got a new job, got the usual terror but told myself "Give yourself a chance to fail. Don't just run before seeing what you can do". This is major for me. It was a contract job, due to end this May.
I've found a permanent job in the same LA, totally different to anything I've ever done. A proper job. I'm getting terrible fear and anxiety but I'm telling myself the same as before. I'm changing decades of bad practice because i know i need a career as my dd is 11 and wont need me as time goes on. Plus if my partner leaves I'll have something. If he stays, he'll have less pressure.
Just try. Allow yourself to try.

With regards to regretting the past:
We are who we are at the time we are in. Don't judge your past self by the standards of the current you. If you went back in time equipped with only those exact same limited life experiences you'd still do it all just the same again!

Forgive yourself. Accept the reasons you did as you did. Look forward now

Grumpy womderful post.

Op you don’t sound in the least like a failure lovely far from it.

A change of life Is hard, my 6th child is on her gap snd it’s me and the dog. I too have been mainly a sahm but feel my kids have benefited and I know it’s my time to look around and fill my time.

I am a similar age too.

Well done Phoenix1973 for feeling the fear and doing it anyway, as we're advised to do!!

After all, isn't stupidity/madness defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome??

You are right to plan ahead for when your kids are older and will be less reliant on you. I'm finding that out the hard way for myself. Luckily though, I have always kept my hand in and worked, even when the kids were very small babies. I think it must be so much harder for those women, who for whatever reasons, give up work entirely and then 15 years later try and relaunch their careers. Now that must be terrifying and can completely understand why women lose their confidence in those types of scenarios. Big mistake in my view though, so any women with small babies reading this, do think very very carefully before giving up your career. And don't think in terms of " oh, my salary barely covers the childcare so it's not worth it" because it IS worth it. and if you've got a partner why isn't he contributing towards the cost of the childcare too?

OP, you can do anything you set your mind to. 55 is young these days! You have years of adventures ahead of you.

Regarding your weight, have a look at the Low Carb thread. Such an easy way to eat and lose weight.

Regarding relationships, come over to the dating thread (Probably something like Spring into Dating - Thread number 88,000) Loads of good useful advice for those new to online dating or 'OLD' as well call it. A quick read will save you a whole load of heartache and prepare you for what's to come.

Regarding working and careers advice, have a look at the Employment board and particularly, the start up board. There's loads of information on there which you'll find useful.

Finally, think about doing something active. It doesn't need to be the gym or Zumba, just a good long walk or a game of tennis. Something to get your blood flowing. It really will lift your mood and let you see the possibilities before you.

Good luck.

Hi OP I think you sound really anxious and fearful. Maybe you have never been quite sure who you are and maybe you have spent a lot of time seeing to others and have lost sight of yourself?
I think self help, personal development and possibly counselling therapy might help you a LOT. Start looking for self development courses such as ' Action for happiness', NVC, mindfulness etc

MYdoghatesthebath thank you for your kind words. Gosh, with six children, I think it would have been far less like hard work going back to work!!
How are you coping with your empty nest, after having had such a very full one? Are you enjoying the freedom, or feeling a bit lost? How are you filling your time?

Laiste you are quite right, it's only with experience and wisdom that I am able to look back and wish I'd done things differently. At the time, and with the experience I had back then, of course I probably would have followed exactly the same course of action.

One minute I was a wife and mum, really busy life, normal and happy. Eldest booked her wedding and youngest was going to Uni, this was within a couple of moths of each other, my other DC had already left home. Still, there would still be DH and I to enjoy time together - right? No! Suddenly and with no warning my DH died. This was at the beginning of the year both DC were leaving home. When they left I was totally alone. I piled on weight and grieved the loss of my life.

Guess what? I'm now close to my original weight, I have more hobbies and interests than time in a day and while I miss my DH dreadfully I have made a life and can smile again.

You can too.

I retrained for a new career at 50, and have done quite well at it, so it is possible. I have however found a lot of self esteem and satisfaction through charity and trade association work. For nearly 10 years I was a board member of a national charity and the local trade association linked to my work. People are really grateful to you for doing things to support them ( when in the main most people are too busy or don't know where to start) I've also made some enduring friendships this way. Could there be a group you could volunteer with that might help you in this way, as you help them too?

Don’t be upset. I do understand the points other people are making about it not being too late (one of my friends trained as a teacher when she was 50!) but I would focus on what you have achieved.

I bet your daughters wouldn’t say you were a waste of space would they?

I feel very strange about the fact that I’m just a few weeks both my children will be in their twenties and yet I don’t feel “old.” I think it just naturally makes us reflect.