to feel I am damaged goods and have wasted my life?

[Wasteofspace1]

Really struggling with the passing of time and the feeling that I have wasted my life. I feel like I'm damaged goods, and that no amount of therapy or positive thinking will put things right in my life.

I'm in my 50's and have never fulfilled my career ambitions, not though lack of ability or opportunities, but I think through fear of failure.

I guess it all stems back to my childhood - had an emotionally abusive upbringing as a teenager, I was a sensitive and insecure child to start with, and then after my parent's divorce my father remarried and the old story, I didn't get on with his new wife, and at the age of 16 I was kicked out of the family home to live with elderly relatives.

Long story short, this all left me feeling desperately insecure and unhappy, and I think has been my over riding priority ever since. Rather than focus on my career after graduating from university, I was only interested and focused on finding a boyfriend who would "save" me. None of this was conscious, its just looking back on it now I realise why i behaved the way I did.

I always shied away from the career I truly wanted to succeed in, for fear of failure, and have always settled for less. After three children, I now work part time from home in a job that is related to the career I wanted to pursue. But I'm now 55 and every day I have that ghastly sick feeling that I have wasted my life and have not achieved anything like I wanted to. I feel that time is passing me by and it's too late to do anything about it.

This is all exacerbated by the fact that my husband and I are separated and my daughters are growing up fast (in their mid to late teens), and soon I will be faced with an empty nest. I am terrified of this prospect, and am becoming increasingly anxious about it. I feel such a failure, and desperately insecure once again. I feel I'm all washed up at 55, with no career, no partner, no financial security. I'm such a fucking waste of space.

How do I come to terms with the fact that I'll never be the person I wanted to be, and live with these terrible regrets?

Hmmm interesting comment tatiana, very perceptive. The thing is though, and I may not have explained myself very clearly here, is that there is no reason for me to retrain or consider pursuing another career because I enjoy what I do, and my skills and abilities are well suited to my current job. I also have nearly 30 years experience in the industry I currently work in and I have no desire to do anything else and there is no reason for me to do so.

My problem is the fact that I haven't progressed within my career as well as I had hoped, and that it is my own insecurities, not lack of opportunity or ability, that have held me back - and probably still do. Also I am always comparing myself unfavourably with friends who have been more successful. But that doesn't mean to say I don't enjoy what I do, or want to retrain in anything else.

I am, however, very open to any courses or therapy which will help me to come to terms with my life as it is now, and to stop dwelling on the past and make plans for my future.

Yikes ladies, I have spent most of the afternoon chatting to you all, and benefiting from your amazing wisdom and kindness, but hardly done a stroke of work!! must get on as I have looming deadlines, but will be back later to catch up.

OP I know you weren't being negative about SAHMs, just saying that's what I did. I'm nearly 55. Sometimes I have regrets about giving up to much of myself to others, but I know I did what felt right at the time. I am sometimes insecure, but I am also strong. You can learn where insecurities came from and discount them and become more authentic and wholehearted. This can be your time when you get to know yourself better and explore yourself and plan who yiu want to be and how you want your life to be in the future. Not in a self - pressured ' I'm not good enough' way, but in a self accepting and self compassionate way.

May I kindly suggest that your first catch-up post should incorporate a name change on here? If you are going to make positive changes in your life and how you think about yourself, that's a place to start.

FWIW I am 50, in the process of divorcing, have two DDs aged 15 and 17 so yep, empty house looms. The difference is that I don't measure my success by the career ladder but by how good I am at the job I love. I also don't feel that I'm going to dip my toe into the dating pool any time soon - I'm looking forward to being single, doing what the hell I want when I want it, not having anyone around who influences or comments on the way I do things, not having to manage another person's life. Right now I am loving life as a single parent. You don't need to have a partner to validate your existence. And in my experience, it's when you aren't looking for someone that you're most likely to meet someone.

Op a stone and half is amazing I have beens trying to shift four stone for a decade that shows you have amazing will power and determination.

Success is in the mind.

Very glad you have managed to lose weight Waste. You certainly have been cheered up by hearing about other people's struggles havent you - and if that sets you off on a new path then that's MN magic.

Also just because your kids are leaving home doesn’t mean you will be redundant as a parent! There have been times since I left home where I have been far more reliant on my parents than when I was a child. They may even move back in with you for a while in their mid twenties as is very common now when saving to buy a house.
They may also need you when going through break ups / having their first child / childcare when they have a few kids.

There might be a short lull first but they will likely soon be back!

NeverTwerk yes you are right, I would never so harsh to a friend as I am to myself, but think we are all guilty of that.
If you could recommend those books that would be really helpful, thanks!
And I've been far too much wallowing and not enough planning, but that is now set to change.

Im going to recommend a book. How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Changed my life. Could be a good investment for you too.

PointyThings yes you're right, Waste of Space is not the most positive of user names! I will come back at some point with a new revamped name.
EatenEasterchocs It's been a long haul, and far from over, but I am determined to keep plugging away. Being fat is awful, it drains your confidence and is just another thing to worry about. I want to focus on the important stuff and not be dragged down by something as tedious as my weight for the rest of my life.
Staples you are right, posting on MN today has been such a boost, I feel so much more positive about the future already, and everyone has been so kind and helpful. It's also made me more aware of how fortunate I am in many respects, and that I should appreciate that more.
Conker you're right, I think I was catastrophising earlier which I have a tendency to do. Of course my kids are still going to need me for a good while yet, and will no doubt be boomeranging back home when they do leave!

Redexpat I'm on Amazon now looking up that book! Thanks.

This is a really love thread
OP well done one the 1.5 stone - that’s amamazung and the face you have cracked the eating is an accomplishment

Now into other activities that will boost you

What do you like and what to improve ?

I would have a period of self development to boost yourself up - and then focus on the
More serious career goal when you feel a bit more robust

My partner is a similar age and he is very very low - I might show him this thread .

I wish you the very best and hopefully some
Of this great advice will motive you

Sorry my
Phone is a bit wierd spelling wise

Stopfuckingshouting yes, I have found myself completely uplifted by all the comments and advice I've received today, thanks so much everyone! I feel a million times more positive than I did this morning when I was slumped over my PC trying to summon up the enthusiasm to work and just feeling very much "is this it??". I wouldn't go as far as to say I've "cracked' the eating thing, as I have the occasional slip up. But i am now able to pick myself up, dust myself down and just keep going.

And yes, there are loads of things I want to do that for some reason I haven't just got on with. Lack of confidence, shyness, blah de blah. But now I'm going for it, I'm going to sit down tonight and make a list of everything I want to do, see and what aspects of my life I want to change.

Sorry to hear your partner is feeling very down, yes do show him this thread, even though it's written from a female perspective, there is probably loads of stuff that will chime with him too. Happy to share my mid-life crisis with anyone!