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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rubbish OH

32 replies

Cheerios88 · 02/04/2018 23:06

So my partner didn't get me a gift for my 29th birthday and I was fine with it, if not a bit disappointed. I openly said to him - nevermind you can get me something really good for my 30th because that's a special one to me. So the year passes and he buys himself some expensive things (xbox one, ect) and I get excited because that must mean he/we are financially fine on his end and he must have planned something or prepared something thoughtful....

He bought me chocolates from tesco that I don't like... We've been together 11 years! He took the day off work with me (I work from home some days)... And didn't take me out or even suggest it. He barely said happy birthday. It's like being teased with the idea of doing something then not following through. When I said I felt let down he got angry and told me I was being silly. AIBU to be upset and not let it go?

Valentines day comes and he gets the kids chocolates but not me. Mothers day... Got my mum a plant... Easter... He got my mum some marzipan fruits and not me! I thought he'd make it up to me on the next occasion - just lunch out or something! An inexpensive but thoughtful gift! Something so I know he cares! Now I'm worried he doesn't!

OP posts:
Zintox · 02/04/2018 23:10

When someone shows you who they are, listen.

Same goes for them showing you what they think of you. Sorry.

Faultymain5 · 02/04/2018 23:13

I'm afraid Zintox is right. Your partner doesn't even like you.

Jon66 · 02/04/2018 23:15

Tell him you are going shopping together for your birthday and he had better bring the debit card along. And choose something expensive. Smile sweetly and say this is so much better than you surprising me with something I don't want. But it isn't about that, it's about you thinking he doesn't care. You need to sit down together and you need to spell it out how you expect to be treated and he needs to take notice that failing to keep you happy has consequences.

Thethoughtofreason · 02/04/2018 23:16

What strange man. Ditch him and find a man who will treat you like the queen you are.

Akire · 02/04/2018 23:18

Even if he’s not a gift person he should understand you would like something small but thoughtful by now. Does he expect a lot for his birthdays?

Sashkin · 02/04/2018 23:21

He bought things for your children on Valentines Day? Does he understand what Valentines Day is? Why didn’t you say something then?

Gide · 02/04/2018 23:24

So next occasion, tell him what you want. Me and the dh buy our own presents then give them to each other to wrap, this is after some epically awful gifts from both of us! I know it’s the thought that counts and we both tried, but much better to get exactly what you want.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2018 23:24

Ugh. How awful. Dump his useless arse and find a man who appreciates you. They are out there, believe me. My husband is always showing me how special I am to him, and we have been together a very long time. We adore and appreciate each other and we both know how important it is to show it. Stay with this man and you are saying you're not worth more. You are! It's better to be on your own than with a partner who takes you for granted and makes you feel lonely and miserable.

Original poster
Cheerios88 · 02/04/2018 23:24

I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't see my perspective at all! We've never had this kind of problem before - always ends in arguement.

I always get him at least a handful of gifts for any occasion - all kinds of things from small to large.

OP posts:
NellythePink · 02/04/2018 23:27

Could you write down a list of the stuff you have bought him for the past year-ish, Xmas/val day/Birthday, and compare it to the lift of stuff he has bought you? Then ask him 'how do you think that makes me feel?'

Snowjoker · 02/04/2018 23:38

Why do you keep expecting him to make it up to you? He never will.

cantstopfuckingeating · 02/04/2018 23:42

I'd normally not be one for expecting birthday / valentines gifts from my dh as money is often tight so normally I'd say yabu
However with it being your 30th yanbu
It's a milestone bday and if you're gonna get treated this is the time to do it!
When was your bday? Could he still have a surprise planned?
How is he otherwise? As a partner, father etc

lottiegarbanzo · 02/04/2018 23:45

Did anyone else acknowledge your b'day? Did they give you better gifts, or offer a better night out than he did? Or did people hold back, thinking he would take you out? Does he feel embarrassed about any of that?

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 23:46

Why are you still getting him one thing let alone a handful things, OP? Don't be a mug!

LTB, and in the meantime, get him fuck all for any occasion.

Original poster
Cheerios88 · 02/04/2018 23:51

My birthday was in January - my mum apparently told him what she had planned to get me so they didn't get the same things... So he had warning it was coming up and I'd told him some things I'd like/like to do.

He's a good with the children. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me often. I am grateful of his good qualities but he 'talks the talk alot' but doesn't follow through with his actions so I often feel let down.

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 02/04/2018 23:55

I would never buy him a gift again!

tinytemper66 · 02/04/2018 23:55

I would never buy him a gift again!

Original poster
Cheerios88 · 02/04/2018 23:55

My colleagues at work planned a last minute meal out for me when they heard he hadn't done anything. It was lovely of them but I felt pretty embarrassed tbh by the way it all happened.

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/04/2018 00:01

Words are easy, they don't take any effort, and he can lie.

He buys presents for other people, but not you. That's a very powerful statement to make to the person you supposedly love and cherish.

He doesn't want to admit what it means, that's why it always ends in an argument. He's trying to get you to shut up about it and just accept it.

Do you really want to stay with someone who thinks so little of you?

Original poster
Cheerios88 · 03/04/2018 00:12

Motoko - that's exactly what I'm thinking too Sad

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 03/04/2018 00:17

Sorry that you feel so upset about this, I absolutely would be too! Even if money is really tight, he could of done a thoughtful gift on the cheap. You need to talk to him about how it's made you feel; that he doesn't care. And stress it's not about the money, it's the thought.

SilverBirchTree · 03/04/2018 01:17

OP is he loving in other ways?

Google ‘love languages’ and see whether you express love in different ways.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2018 06:03

He sounds lazy and inconsiderate at best; like he doesn't love you at worst.

Angrybird345 · 03/04/2018 06:12

Get rid of him as his actions speak volumes.

Bluetoo1 · 03/04/2018 06:21

bout it but he doesn't see my perspective at all! We've never had this kind of problem before - always ends in argument
How have you not had this problem before? Have you only been together for 2 birthdays?
I wonder if he feels he already does enough, does he earn much more than you? So also buying a present is you being demanding? Not getting you something is pa if you clearly suggest to him what you would like, imv.

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