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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lying to young dc....

42 replies

LokiBear · 02/04/2018 22:48

Dh and I are in total disagreement on this one, so I'm asking the mumsnet jury:

At bedtime, Dd6 became upset, saying was scared that with me or dh would die and she'd never see us again. Dh spoke to her first and then asked me to go up to her for a cuddle and reassurance which I did. Dd asked me to promise her that I would never die. I told her I couldn't promise that, but that most people die if they are very old and, since I am young, I hope that I will be around for a long time. I feel the 'worry' was triggered by dh and I talking to her earlier today about her recent poor behaviour and bad attitude towards us. I think it manifested itself as a fear of losing us as we did tell her off and laid it on thick that we were upset and disapointed with her behaviour. Therefore, I tried to steer the conversation towards making the most of life and always being kind to those you love, rather than promising I wouldn't die. Talking to dh afterwards, it turned out he flat out promised her we would never die and that we'd just live forever. He's grumpy with me because he thinks I should have done the same. It isn't a promise I can keep. It seems wrong to promise her something impossible. Who is bu?

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 02/04/2018 23:13

I would make her that promise reassure her. We lie to children all the time to make their lives better its no different. In a few years she wont even remember you said it, she certainly isn't going to hold you to it.

Terramirabilis · 02/04/2018 23:16

Don't lie to her. If children are ready to ask about something it means they're thinking and wondering about it. Giving her an age appropriate truthful answer is the best thing to do. You can offer reassurance (assuming this is true) that neither of you is likely to die for a very, very long time. Also that generally people die when they are old.

Ginger1982 · 02/04/2018 23:18

Don't lie. My dad died when I was 13. It does happen.

Faultymain5 · 02/04/2018 23:19

No you did the right thing. I don't lie to my kids, especially over something like that. If you're religious it's a good time to introduce life after death stuff and if you are a non believer it's good to explain it the way you did.

My 15 year old DS called me his friend the other day (haven't got the heart to tell him I'm his mother and I don't play that), I truly believe that not lying to him is something he has learned to trust in.

This is a great talking point about life. A great opportunity to talk about fears, hopes and dreams.

Coffeeisnecessary · 02/04/2018 23:21

I think your response was right, you can't promise that you will live forever! Sounds like you explained things age appropriately. Did she seem OK with your answer? By 6 if imagine most children would know people don't live forever anyway so may have found your dh's response confusing.

Thethoughtofreason · 02/04/2018 23:21

Think some of these comments are too far. It's a child. Death is too complicated for then to understand. Telling her will just make it worse YANBU. You're just being a great mother. People are always expecting for the worst.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/04/2018 23:22

I think lying causes anxiety when kids figure out whatever it was isn't true. I'm pretty sure I said exactly what you said to your DD to my DS when he asked me about dying.

treaclesoda · 02/04/2018 23:23

I think you were right. I think it's really cruel to promise a child you won't ever die.

Bloodybridget · 02/04/2018 23:23

No, YANBU, it would be ridiculous to tell a child that you'd never die.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/04/2018 23:26

Meh. They will realise eventually just like Santa that we all die

I don’t think your husband was wrong for trying to reassure her.

Faultymain5 · 02/04/2018 23:27

@Thethoughtofreason the OP told the truth.

People's comments are based on their experiences. When I was 10 my uncle died at age 35 leaving 4 girls (16-6) to be raised by their mum alone.

I can just imagine if one of those younger children had extracted that promise and he died soon after, what that would have done to them.

OwlinaTree · 02/04/2018 23:32

I think with a young child it's age appropriate to say people die when they are old, I'm not old yet so don't worry.

If a parent dies suddenly do you really think the child will feel any worse that they once said they wouldn't die? I don't think so.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2018 23:32

YANBU.
Had same convo with our DD6. Told her it is unlikely to happen until we're very old and she has family of her own. She accepted this and all ok

DoJo · 02/04/2018 23:34

I wouldn't lie - my son has a friend whose mum is dead so I can't possibly lie to him and tell him I won't ever die when he knows that his friend's mum did. By 6, they know about death and I think it complicates things to try and pretend that some people are not going to succumb to it. Even if he didn't have that immediate experience, I have always tried to be honest with him about the important stuff - I want him to know that he can trust me and that I will explain things to him as best I can. Plus, he once did something so dangerous that I had to tell him that the reason I wasn't particularly apologetic for scratching his arm when I grabbed him was because he could have died, so he's not under the illusion that he will live forever either, particularly not if he doesn't develop some road sense!

treaclesoda · 02/04/2018 23:35

If a parent dies suddenly do you really think the child will feel any worse that they once said they wouldn't die? I don't think so.

I think they actually would in some ways. Because as well as the grief they're left thinking 'why did mum lie to me?'.

Or even if they are fortunate and don't lose a parent, it would be pretty easy for them to clumsily say to another child who has lost a parent 'that won't happen to me, because my mum has promised me she won't die' and then leave that child wondering why their mum/dad didn't just do the same and therefore still be alive.

Whitecurrants · 02/04/2018 23:38

I think you did the right thing. I wouldn't make a promise like that.

LimonViola · 02/04/2018 23:39

Don't lie. I remember age four asking my dad, very seriously (like 'seriously, if you love me at all you'll tell me the truth, please don't lie') if santa was real. He told me the truth that he wasn't. It always stuck with me as even at the time of asking I kinda knew I think that I suspected it wasn't real and i would have felt very unsafe and disturbed if my own dad had lied to me, you know? When he told me, even at four, i remember well feeling very safe and respected with him because I could trust his word and I knew if I ever needed to know something he'd treat me with enough respect to tell the truth.

Your partner made a different choice that's up to him, but you were right to be honest with her.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 02/04/2018 23:39

YANBU. I had a dream as a child about dying and my mum told me that children don't die. My brother died a few years later and I was so angry with my mum, obviously as an adult I can see why she said it but as a grieving child I can remember feeling so betrayed.

LimonViola · 02/04/2018 23:40

Much better to say 'everybody will die someday, but usually when you're old, and hopefully we have a long time left yet. If I or daddy died you'd still be looked after, and even though people are very sad when someone they love dies it's a natural part of life'

LimonViola · 02/04/2018 23:41

I also asked aged five what the difference was between dying and being killed and he told me the truth to that too 😂

Cheerios88 · 02/04/2018 23:41

I think you did the right thing and DD will be reassured by your honesty.

Revealing about how your partner thinks about things though - sometimes it's easier to lie but not the better option.

seasidelife · 02/04/2018 23:45

It's an unfortunate fact of life, children will have to experience death at some point. If they aren't prepared for it at all then it can be harder for them to deal with. My dad died when I was 5, I don't want my kids to worry but I don't want them to have a false sense of security that crumbles at the worst time. My kids have been through this phase and were upset for a week or so at bedtime but I need to give them the tools to get through everything that life deals out, good and bad, and they have now formed their ideas and coping strategies about what happens with death.

sailorcherries · 02/04/2018 23:46

Yanbu, promises should not be made if they cannot be kept.

Graphista · 02/04/2018 23:47

Death is part of life. I lost an uncle at 5, grandparent at 10. If my parents had lied to me that people were immortal it would have made me feel I could never trust anything they said again.

I think lying to children about serious issues like this is a really bad idea.

Plus it's normal around this age to start thinking about death and what it means.

I'm also a firm believer in "old enough to ask old enough to hear the answer".

Linning · 02/04/2018 23:49

When I was around your daughter age (or slightly younger) I walked in on my mom watching a movie where there was some sort of funeral scene. I remember being shocked at people putting that poor man "in a box" and putting him 6 ft under. I remember asking my mom what the poor man would do when he would wake up and would find himself lock in a box and burried so deeply and she explained, "he wouldn't wake up as he had died and you don't wake up anymore once you are dead."

It really scared me so I asked, "but do we only die when we are old?" (the man was very old in the movie) and she went on to explain that while it's more normal to die of old age, you can also die at any age (including children.)

She probably regretted telling me the truth because for months, every night, I would cry for hours that I didn't want them and my grandparents to die.

Coming to term with the idea of death was very tough for me at that age but I think the fact that she had told me everybody could die at anytime just somehow made it worse and made me very anxious that I could lose someone I cared about at anytime.

That being said, I would have done exactly like you. It's unfortunate but it's true that death can take anyone at anytime and it's better she knows as there are ways to make it less traumatic. Telling her you are all immortal is silly and will probably make things twice as hard if unfortunately something happens and she has to be hit by the fact that A) someone she loved died and B) She was lied to (so now has to process the lie on top of the grief). You also probably don't want her to think she is immortal for safety purposes (in case she genuinely believes she is immortal and decide to "try it out" somehow as kids can be known to take things a bit too litterally). No need to tell her she could die or will die one day but say the truth and maybe invent a reassuring story with her about what happens "next" so she doesn't fear death as much and doesn't feel anxious about it and can process it better the day she will lose a close relative.

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