Lying to young dc....

[LokiBear]

Dh and I are in total disagreement on this one, so I'm asking the mumsnet jury:

At bedtime, Dd6 became upset, saying was scared that with me or dh would die and she'd never see us again. Dh spoke to her first and then asked me to go up to her for a cuddle and reassurance which I did. Dd asked me to promise her that I would never die. I told her I couldn't promise that, but that most people die if they are very old and, since I am young, I hope that I will be around for a long time. I feel the 'worry' was triggered by dh and I talking to her earlier today about her recent poor behaviour and bad attitude towards us. I think it manifested itself as a fear of losing us as we did tell her off and laid it on thick that we were upset and disapointed with her behaviour. Therefore, I tried to steer the conversation towards making the most of life and always being kind to those you love, rather than promising I wouldn't die. Talking to dh afterwards, it turned out he flat out promised her we would never die and that we'd just live forever. He's grumpy with me because he thinks I should have done the same. It isn't a promise I can keep. It seems wrong to promise her something impossible. Who is bu?

2 weeks ago my DD4 grabbed me as I putting her to bed and said ‘promise me you’ll never leave me’, I promised and I instantly regretted it. I wish I had dealt with it as you have as I would hate for my DD to ever think of me as a liar if I was no longer here. I think you sound like a wonderful mother 💐

You did the right thing. Death isn’t something you lie about as it’s part and parcel of living. That’s why God invented goldfish....jk!

It's not just about whether the OP or her dh is likely to die: at any time they could hear of a friend's mum dying or read about a parent dying in a story and they will know that the OP has lied to them- and then they won't trust the reassuring bits she told them either. By the time, ds was 6, his best friend's mum had died, a family friend the same age as us had died, one of his teachers had died, and a boy who went to the same school had died. It was important that he should trust anything we could tell him to reassure him.

I think you played it just right.

I tell children that we only get so many days on the planet and no one gets to know how many days they get so it’s best to enjoy every day you get to the best of your ability rather than spend th misbehaving/felling grumpy/insert undesirable behaviour

I would never lie to my kids about death. Their dogs have died, their grandma died in July, so they are familiar with it. I would be positive, though. Young, healthy, probably not going to die any time soon. But anything can happen. I think you're right.

Thanks all. Tempted to show dh this thread. He has form for this type of thing. He will want so spare her feelings at any cost so he lies as a quick fix. She's inquisitive though, she'll figure it out. She cried but accepted what I said and I ended up making her laugh. Although the fact that daddy told her he will live forever will come up, then, if I tell her the truth he will feel undermined. I find it frustrating that the tricky stuff always falls to me.

I understand where he’s coming from. As a parent you want so much to protect your children from the horrors of the world. It must have felt so good for just that moment to be able to reassure her and have her feel safe and comforted.

BUT! Clearly it didn’t work or she wouldn’t have been asking you about it. And you did the right thing.

DS4 has been asking a lot about this lately. I’m trying so hard to ease him into it all but he has very specific questions. He wants to know to exactly what age people can live. It’s a good thing 100 sounds like an unimaginably huge number to children (and I think that’s entirely possible given medical advances?) In fact I told him that if he becomes a scientist when he grows up maybe he can unlock the key to immortality. Too much? It’s something to aim for.

He does cry sometimes and tell me he doesn’t want to die. It’s so sad to see. He is adjusting though.

Kids need to know their parents will teach them truthfully about the world they’re in. My mother lied to me about all sorts of stuff, sometimes to spare my feelings and sometimes to make herself seem clever (which she isn’t). It made me very confused and caused me to doubt myself. If a child thinks they have a basic fact understood and get a totally nonsensical answer telling them they’re wrong, how are they going to have faith in their own mental capabilities?

I honestly think death is something that has to be dealt with honestly and compassionately - just like you did.

Ask your dh what happens to his daughter (whose feelings he is so keen to spare) if, next week, he meets with an accident and is lost to her. Losing a parent young is devastating, losing a parent with added "but he told me he'd never leave" must be horrendous. Yes it's unlikely and we all pray it won't happen but it does. Life is real and harsh. The least we can do is round off the edges for our children where we can. Knowing the possibilities in a gentle, age appropriate way is far kinder than them discovering the truth when you're not there to help them.

This is not Santa or the Easter bunny, it's reality.

Your husband is doing your child absolutely no favours at all by lying to your dd. My father died when I was an older child. I was not prepared at all for his death. It scarred me massively and I fell into deep depression, which I only got help for several years later. Even now, 30 years later, the memory of the pain (not the pain of today) is incredibly overwhelming. I know my parents only did the best they could with the poor tools at their disposal. However, I went through many years of pain and suffering through their selfishness and narcissism. I have brought my dd up to understand that everyone is born and everyone dies.

Lying to your dd will make her massively unprepared if god forbid anything did happen to one of you. Of course discussions always have to be in an age appropriate way. At your dds age, my dd was frightened of me dying because I’m chronically ill. Talking to your dd will make this pass.

Dd at 9 is starting the grasp the concept of death being a release for some people. Such as her grandpa, who died last year. She was upset. But so very prepared. His death was a good thing. For him. And for her to understand the meaning of life.

If my husband had said this to my dd, I would tell explain to her that he was trying to spare her feelings and that he, too, one day will die. Your daughters feelings come before your husbands. It isn’t about undermining him in this situation. It is about her long term mental health.

It's absolutely the right thing to do to tell her the truth.
Him avoiding difficult subjects is a bit worrying and is probably more about sparing his own discomfort than hers.
He's going to need to man up on that...all children live in the real world and are going to come across tough stuff whether we like it or not. Winston wish charity has advice on how to talk about death with young children.

My great-aunt died suddenly while staying at our house. I'd have been 6. My father took my brother and I to look at her body before the undertakers arrived. Viewing the body was the custom in his day. My mother was a bit worried but didn't want to oppose him. It was fine. A bit strange but not scary. I was always glad that he did this.

In an earlier period people died at home not in hospitals and children were not sealed away from death in the way that they are now.

I think your DH is shirking his responsibility as he can't/won't face the truth and hard questions. Unless he's got a crystal ball and knows when he will die, ask him how DD would feel if he suddenly died (it does happen) and how would she feel then? I guess she would (mentally) a real mess because Daddy promised her he would never die!! Definitely 'not' doing her any favours, now or in the future.

While it's natural to want to protect your child, death is a part of life and they need to know it exists. We had lots of pets when DCs were young so they learned the whole life/death thing from an early age and it didn't hurt them...in fact, I felt it made them more compassionate people, specially as adults. And as happens sometimes, their DF died in his early 40s, something that was totally unexpected and a huge shock to all, but they were able to handle this tragedy easier than if they have been led to believe he would 'never' die. Not that death is ever easy.......

6 is a normal age to realise we are not super human. Don't lie. Everyone dies. But you just don't have any intention of doing anything like that soon.

I told my 5 year old son that children didn't die and then his 4 year old cousin died. I wish I'd never lied as that shook DS up as well as the death as it made it all the more unbelievable for him.

I also explained how terrible it would be if no one died. Imagine a world with every person who had ever been born still living on it. Without death we couldn't have new life.

Don’t lie you said the right thing. Your husband can get over it.