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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my children to go to my friends wedding ???

34 replies

NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 12:54

My friend is getting married Aug 08 and I am one of her 6 bridesmaids.

When she asked me to be bridesmaid she said that my kids would of course be invited to the evening part of the wedding, and I told her there and then that I wouldn't be taking them.

As her bridesmaid, I am possibly going to have to stay at hers the night before the wedding, and I am also then planning to stay in the hotel on the night of the wedding. I don't live very far from the hotel at all, but I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself and so want to stay over.

My mum has already agreed to have the kids (i am a single parent) but now my friend and her mum are saying that it's such a shame I won't take the kids to the evening bit, as they'd have a nice time.

I feel really mean but I have never been a bridesmaid before, and I want to be able to enjoy it, and not have to chase Ds around the room, spend half the night on trips to and from the loo or have Dd2 sit like she is superglued to my lap. Plus as I would already be at the hotel, my mum would have to get the kids ready and my elder brother collect them and bring them to the hotel.

My friend asked me again the other day, and I repeated that I would not be taking them and was made to feel so mean, and she said she'd keep their names on the list anyway incase I change my mind.

So aibu ??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/05/2007 12:55

Is this also the friend who expects you to stump up for her hen do abroad?

No, YANBU.

MrsBadger · 10/05/2007 12:56

YANBU

bozza · 10/05/2007 12:56

No you are not. I can see your point totally. Being single it is not as if you could share the responsibility. I think your friend doesn't get what being responsible for 3 children entails. And also maybe how little time off you get.

LIZS · 10/05/2007 12:56

Not at all, it is your decision to make not hers. Is this the one who is having the Spanish hen do ?

singingmum · 10/05/2007 12:56

No your not.
Explain why you are doing this so that she'll understand.As a single mum I bet you need the time to relax.I'm not a single mum and I know that I need time off.
You're not selfish and am sure that a good friend will understand

LilRedWG · 10/05/2007 12:57

No at all unreasonable. your children, your decisions. Of course, if she wants to babysit them all evening on her wedding night...

Saturn74 · 10/05/2007 12:57

YANBU.

FoghornLeghorn · 10/05/2007 12:58

No you aren't. I was having this convo with SIL yesterday who is getting married in June - my DD is a bridesmaid, yet she wont be there for the evening of the wedding, my mum is collecting both DD's from the hotel so DH & I can enjoy the evening. (Plus it is out first wedding anniversary).
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - I know my DD's would prefer being at Nanny & Grandad's house playing than being knackered and exhausted at a wedding.

NineUnlikelyTales · 10/05/2007 12:58

YANBU

She invited them you declined, what's the problem? Is she going to ring everyone else who declines and tell them it's a shame and make them feel bad?

MamaG · 10/05/2007 12:58

YANBU

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 12:59

Yep it is the same friend who is having the spanish hen do. I have already told her that I cannot go to that either and she said she'd ask me again nearer the time .

Oh and you are right, she has no clue about havig to look after 1 child nevermind 3.

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 10/05/2007 13:07

well if she wants them there so much why are they only invited to the evening bit??

odd.

and no YANBU. she probably has a romantic notion of darling little children running around her feet having a lovely time. not tired, bored children whining wanting to go home!

maisemor · 10/05/2007 13:08

YANBU. You hereby have permission to go, let your hair down, dance the whole night, drink and be merry guilt free. You deserve it, and your children will have a great time with granny.

shonaspurtle · 10/05/2007 13:08

YANBU!

pirategirl · 10/05/2007 13:09

I think she's cool to be ok about them coming, but its also fine for you to want them to enjoy your friend's day/evening without the constant trups to the loo, and time consuming stuff.

I was a horrible bride, and said no kids at my edding, lol, not that ant of my friends had any, but there were some, distant ones, I hardly knew and i just wanted it to be a grown up do, and tbh, i think their parents really had a laugh.

pirategirl · 10/05/2007 13:10

sorry
but its also fine for you to want TO ( not them )oops

dotcom · 10/05/2007 13:11

I asked my friend not to invite my children to her wedding so DH and I could enjoy ourselves!!

Just as well.

Got sooooo hideously drunk and puked all over the hotel room!

DH was NOT amused and I was SOOO ashamed.

Am glad the children were not there tho if they had I am sure I would not have got so drunk!

Tigana · 10/05/2007 13:11

Is she meaning to be supportive of your situation as a mum? Think how pee-ed off lots of people get if their children are NOT invited to weddings and the hassle of sorting babysitters etc. Could she think your reluctance is down to you not wanting to 'impose' on her wedding and so she is trying to persuade you it is no imposition...

DontCallMeBaby · 10/05/2007 13:12

Not unreasonable. I was talking to a friend about a reunion she's having with some old schoolfriends who are saying 'oh yes, bring your daughter!' and we were sympathising about how THEY would get to admire her cute 3yo and laugh at her little toddler-isms while SHE wouldn't get to finish a conversation all day and have to have half an eye out for hazards all the time. She is NOT taking her DD!

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 13:16

Possibly Tigana, although to be brutally honest I doubt it, she is normally the complete opposite of being consderate about me having kids, being a single mum etc.

Anyhow, will stick to my decision and have a wonderful time and who knows I might cop off

I did actually say that to her dad (i was joking) and his face was hilarious.

OP posts:
tigerschick · 10/05/2007 13:16

I think that it really is your decision and it is not fair for her to try and pressurise you into doing something you don't want. I also think, however, that leaving the door open for a while is quite nice of her. The wedding isn't for another 15 months. By then you may feel differently. Maybe they could come for an hour or so, maybe you could ask your friend what provision she is planning to make for them, ie, why does she think they'll have fun?

But first and foremost, you have to make the decision that best suits you and your dcs.

katherinez · 10/05/2007 15:32

YANBU. Not at all. Yhey are your kids. Your responsibility. It is nice to take kids to weddings sometimes, but you cant relax to the same degree.

Spidermama · 10/05/2007 15:34

YANUBU.
But Y freind IBU to try to force you.

Upwind · 10/05/2007 16:35

Maybe she is just clueless? I thought it would be lovely having little ones on the dancefloor and invited a few to the whole thing - the excitement of the church, running about in a hotel, the meal etc. tired the poor mites out and they were all tucked up in bed by the first dance!

They were all amazingly well behaved btw!

alicet · 11/05/2007 15:48

YANBU
I wouldn't take my son to a wedding even if he was invited. We wouldn't have as good a time (and however much you love your dc's you are more than entitled to a break sometimes!) and neither would he. Plus grandparents love having him so its win win all round!