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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this wedding abroad?

52 replies

user1485342611 · 02/04/2018 15:07

My cousin is getting married in Italy in October. She has invited the entire extended family. No one in my immediate family wants to go. My mother won't be long over a hip replacement so she definitely can't go. My sister has children, who will be in school at the time. Her DH is a teacher so also won't be able to go. I have already made plans for my annual leave this year and don't want to change it. My brother and his wife just really don't want to use up their holiday time and budget for a family wedding.
However, our other cousins are all going. One family are even taking their children out of school for a week. My mother is now getting embarrassed that none of us are going and thinks it will look 'odd'. I'm starting to feel really guilty, but still don't want to go.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 02/04/2018 15:10

YANBU. You have very valid reasons not to go. Your cousin must have known when arranging an overseas wedding that not all the family would be able to drop everything to attend - if she didn't, her naivete isn't your fault.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 15:10

So what if your mother's embarrassed. If she's that embarrassed she can pay for one of you to go. She's got other people going, you don't want to go, so don't.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 15:11

OP,
People who get married abroad never think about the cost, or inconvenience to others.

Your family all have valid reasons for not attending.....that's how life is sometimes.

Just let them know asap you wont be attending.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 02/04/2018 15:12

I got married abroad and most of my extended family couldn't make it. At no point did I feel annoyed or resentful that they couldn't make it - it was my decision that made it difficult for them to go.

I'd have been mortified if any of them had felt embarrassed that they couldn't go.

AndromedaPerseus · 02/04/2018 15:13

If you get married abroad you’ll have to accept some people aren’t going to be able to make it. Send her a nice card it’ll be fine.

Stormwhale · 02/04/2018 15:14

Latte that isn't true. We have chosen to get married abroad and knew that this meant we wouldn't have many people there. At no point did I expect people to travel, it was just where I dreamt of getting married. We are throwing a huge party for everyone a month after we get back, and made it clear that no-one should feel obliged to travel if they didn't want to/couldn't.

UnaMagdalena · 02/04/2018 15:14

I agree with AndromedaPerseus, just send a message saying you can't be there but you'll be thinking of her on the day, cannot wait to see the photos etc..

Original poster
user1485342611 · 02/04/2018 15:16

My mother has offered to pay, and I've explained that it's not the money that's stopping me, it's having to use my holidays, which are really precious to me, to do something I really don't want to do.

OP posts:
Manyfridays · 02/04/2018 15:19

So whats your issue ? No mum i dont want to go but thanks for the offer . End of

TroubledLichen · 02/04/2018 15:19

When you decide to get married abroad you do so knowing that some of the people you would love to have there with you on the day will not be able to make it. Just send her a nice message explaining that much as you’d love to, it’s just not possible. Unless she’s a total bridezilla she’ll understand.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 15:21

Yanu to not go under the circumstances described and I have no idea If you have any DC or if you are close to your cousin but I have to say if I had known for a long time about the wedding I would probably have planned a holiday in Italy to coincide with my cousin's wedding. We are close though.

Your mum doesn't need to be embarrassed your cousin knows she cant make it and you and your siblings are all adults so its not really your mum's problem at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2018 15:22

She’s not the boss of you OP. You are.

If she wants someone there that much she can change the date of her op. It’s not for her or anyone else to have a view or a say on how you spend your annual leave.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 02/04/2018 15:23

Going abroad when you don't want to?

No. Waste of time and money , even if not your money!

mirren3 · 02/04/2018 15:24

I always think the clue is in the wording, you be been "invited" not summoned.
I'm sure the Bride and Groom know as PP have said that not everybody will be able to go.
Do what suits you, and your family. For the B&G it's their day to choose to spend it how they want it, it's also up to all the guests to respond how they choose to, either yes or no.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 15:25

So you tell her thanks but no thanks.

AlpacaLypse · 02/04/2018 15:28

I'm torn, but that's mostly because I would love to go to Italy again and this would be a great excuse! And October is a good time of year to do it too - not so ridiculously hot but still warm enough to enjoy pools etc. And your mum is offering to pay as well. Could you not consider doing your planned holiday next year instead?

TheJoyOfSox · 02/04/2018 15:29

Yanbu to not attend. If she really wanted you and the rest of the family there, the wedding would be local.

I do tend to think overseas weddings say “ we want to get married, but don’t want to invite anyone, as we have to invite you we’re just going to make it as awkward and expensive as we can, in the hope you won’t bother” maybe I’m just cynical.

TomRavenscroft · 02/04/2018 15:31

I've been to a few weddings overseas and have made a holiday out of it and taken the opportunity to go to places I wouldn't necessarily have gone to otherwise.

I know that if your heart is set on the plans you've already made then this isn't relevant; but it's another way of looking at it.

Belindabauer · 02/04/2018 15:32

Yanbu.
I'm sure your cousin will understand.

neveradullmoment99 · 02/04/2018 15:33

Don't go. Its no big deal. If they wanted everyone there, why make it somewhere abroad. I am sure they will have expected this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2018 15:33

It depends really on whether your embarrassment outweighs your holiday plans or not.

It's a shame that no one on your side of the family can/wants to go, but overseas weddings are expensive and time consuming!

So, if you can't go, you can't go - and anyone who has family overseas should be able to understand that it's that much harder for family to attend.

One of my own relatives got married in Cornwall years ago - we were invited (as in my parents and siblings) but none of us went, because it was too far to travel (and I couldn't get the time off work). Yes, there was a bit of sniffiness about it, but there was no need for them to get married in Cornwall, they chose to, and it was too far for quite a lot of the elderly rellies to go as well.

Rafflesway · 02/04/2018 15:36

Hope it's early October and south Italy otherwise weather could be very unreliable. ☹️

FWIW OP, I don't think YABU at all. I wouldn't use my precious holiday allowance for a cousin's wedding either. Just thank her for the invitation but politely decline and send a nice card/gift.

TurnipCake · 02/04/2018 15:37

Don't let guilt be the deciding factor in this.

Using up precious annual leave, the cost incurred, outfits etc - when you don't want to do it? It would be madness, and would only breed resentment.

AdoraBell · 02/04/2018 15:37

If you hadn’t already booked your holiday I would suggest that you have your holiday in Italy and just make the wedding one day out on during the holiday.

But, you have made your holiday plans, so hope they have a lovely day , best wishes etc.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 02/04/2018 15:39

People who get married abroad never think about the cost, or inconvenience to others

nonsense, and unless you all live in the same village, any wedding will involve travelling and cost for at least some of the guests. It can work much cheaper to go to a wedding abroad than travel across the UK, and at least you can make a holiday out of it.

If it's not convenient, it doesn't matter if the wedding is in Penzance, Manchester, Thurso or Maui, just decline the invitation.