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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to this wedding abroad?

52 replies

user1485342611 · 02/04/2018 15:07

My cousin is getting married in Italy in October. She has invited the entire extended family. No one in my immediate family wants to go. My mother won't be long over a hip replacement so she definitely can't go. My sister has children, who will be in school at the time. Her DH is a teacher so also won't be able to go. I have already made plans for my annual leave this year and don't want to change it. My brother and his wife just really don't want to use up their holiday time and budget for a family wedding.
However, our other cousins are all going. One family are even taking their children out of school for a week. My mother is now getting embarrassed that none of us are going and thinks it will look 'odd'. I'm starting to feel really guilty, but still don't want to go.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/04/2018 15:41

People who get married abroad never think about the cost, or inconvenience to others

No. That certainly wasn’t the case in my case. My ex and I got married abroad to reduce the expense of the wedding for us, for us to have a holiday, for us to have a wedding that suited us, not everyone else. We knew not everyone would come because of the expense and it really wasn’t an issue. In fact, we expected a very reduced number of people attending and we did ‘t put any pressure on anyone.

I fail to see why anyone should feel bad about having the wedding they want. It worked out at a price we could afford and the people we wanted to be with us were with us.

mischiefinprogress · 02/04/2018 15:43

Latte what a ridiculous thing to say.

Yarboosucks · 02/04/2018 15:47

Why don't people just talk? If you are close enough to your cousin that you are bothered about whether or not you go to the wedding, why don't you call them and explain how much you would really like to be there but how circumstances mean that you cannot go? I just don't get why people fret about a situation, try to second guess reactions but don't pick up the phone and actually talk!

Jon66 · 02/04/2018 15:47

I think to take a day or two days off to go to a family wedding wherever it is shouldn't be a big deal and an effort should be made providing you can financially afford to. We are travelling for a family wedding next month and its costing us two flights and a week of time and around £800. We could have done it in 3 days and £300 but decided to make a mini holiday of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2018 15:48

I do know what you mean. We have extended family all over the world and every couple of years they gather somewhere for a couple of weeks for a big family holiday. Last year, my dad and SM put a lot of pressure on us and siblings/partners to go as “everyone else’s” DC and GDC we’re going. SM was especially grumpy when I said we didn’t fancy it and they’re not even her family. In the end it was true that nearly all the adult DC did go, from all over the place. We sent our love and used our time and money for a lovely trip somewhere for just us. No one tells me how to spend my time. This wasn’t a wedding, but I’d have felt the same if it was and I wasn’t close to the couple. My spare time is precious and I put myself out a lot for the people I love but there are limits. I’m certainly not doing anything to appease someone else who wants to guilt trip me so THEY’RE not embarrassed.

specialsubject · 02/04/2018 15:50

Frilly frock party. Not for use of precious annual leave. Some people on here have clearly never worked for a living...

Bride and groom might actually want reduced numbers. And taking kids out of school for it is disgusting.

UpOver · 02/04/2018 15:52

You would be silly to go just to appease your Mum. How about suggesting a get together with the bride and groom after the wedding to celebrate with your bit of the family.

Yarboosucks · 02/04/2018 15:57

Is there a corresponding thread somewhere… Getting married in Italy, have invited extended family but we are counting on the them not being able to come because it is in term time… WTF do we do if they all accept now?!?

Imsosceptical · 02/04/2018 15:57

In my humble opinion, if you choose to have a wedding abroad you cannot have expectations on those who will/won’t, can/cannot come. A wedding abroad is a personal experience, if you have expectations of certain people then you discuss this with them prior to making the booking. It’s your big dream but it’s certainly not everyone else’s and you have to give consideration towards the expenses you are asking them to incur, their annual holiday leave they have to sacrifice for you etc. personally if I decided to get married abroad, I would choose my closest few (10 max,) and I would expect to pay for their whole trip, anyone else who wanted to come would be very welcome but certainly not obliged xxxx

Novinosincebambino · 02/04/2018 16:04

OP I got married abroad and the one thing I did consider (Latte) was the cost to everyone else and told them all they had a damn good excuse to say no. No reasons needed. That's what you do when you marry abroad. I also said absolutely no gifts because I knew what it would cost them and their attendance was gift enough. If they make you feel guilty or your mum is embarrassed then that's their problem not yours. RSVP soon and they'll probably be glad of the reduced number because even abroad you're paying per head.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2018 16:14

Im sensing you arent that close to or keen on this cousin? Whether or not that's the case ....when people get remarried out of the country...they must accept that not everyone can make it.

Your brother being a teacher has a very valid reason for not going ... as does you mum.

You just don't want to use your annual leave...which is fine. No need to go if you don't want to

sheworebluevelet · 02/04/2018 16:18

Latte agreed you are talking rubbish.

I fully expected not everyone invited would be able to attend our wedding. It's a weekend abroad with a low cost flight involved.
However, not only have we had absolutely no one decline, people are making a holiday of it and bringing othears along ( to the destination not the wedding). Lovely, but we were expecting hoping a few would drop out as we had slightly overbooked.

I don't think anyone would be put out if you didn't go. It's not a summons.

GreyNikNaks · 02/04/2018 16:46

Don't go. We got married abroad, well kind of because we live there and have done for 10+ years, but most of the family and quite a few friends we invited live in England. Of course some of them couldn't come and we didn't expect them to. If they could great, if not it wasn't their fault and we would have never thought badly of them for it.

Sarsparella · 02/04/2018 16:52

People who get married abroad never think about the cost, or inconvenience to others

Don’t be ridiculous, we got married abroad & knew fully well most people wouldn’t come which I was very happy about because we didn’t actually want a big wedding - it meant everyone had an invite but there was no expectation of anyone having to come if they didn’t want to for whatever reason

All weddings cost the attendees something, but nobody ever has to go to any wedding, it’s an invite you can accept or decline :)

OP, just say no sorry you can’t make it, no drama :)

mrsmainz · 02/04/2018 17:08

I got married in Italy last year. People couldn't make it, and we were fully aware that may happen and by no means got pissed off about it.
Latte...ridiculous comment.
Anyway, just send a nice card for them before they get married, I got some really lovely ones from absent guests that meant the world to me even though they couldn't be there on the day.

GreyNikNaks · 02/04/2018 17:11

People who get married abroad never think about the cost, or inconvenience to others

Not true. We hired a villa for everyone that we paid for, arranged transport to and from airports at our cost and paid for flights (which were pretty cheap but some guests we knew were skint), arranged day trips, at our own cost.
Still we said to people don't worry if you can't come if it's hassle.

catinapoolofsunshine · 02/04/2018 17:13

Possibly your cousin was hoping the wedding abroad would limit numbers whilst avoiding being accused of not inviting all of a massive extended family. Possibly the term time date wasn't an accident...

Are you close enough to your cousin to ask? If not, no need to go to the wedding, if yes, you may find out s/he wishes most other guests were doing the predicted sensible thing, like you!

MrsPreston11 · 02/04/2018 17:14

If you get married abroad it’s the risk you take.

DH and I knew we never wanted a UK wedding. Our siblings had plenty between them.

We gave people 18 months notice of our wedding so people had the chance to decide/save but had absolutely no hard feelings if people didn’t want to come. It’s a huge ask. (Our holiday was long haul and during term time)

If we’d have wanted everyone to come we wouldn’t have gone abroad. In fact the whole reason we went abroad was so not many came. Was 30 people and a wonderful wonderful day. We saw everyone else once we were back.

MissP103 · 02/04/2018 17:21

Op yanbu to not want to go. Your mother has no right to guilt you into going. I hate this mentality of worrying about representing the family and what others think. She's a grown woman, she needs to get over her embarrassment.

pasturesgreen · 02/04/2018 17:24

It depends how close you are.

I've travelled to the US for my cousin's wedding and will do so again when she remarries this summer. I've been to Sweden for the wedding of a close friend. A friend is getting married in the next town in October and I've declined as we aren't close and I can't be arsed.

Sounds like you aren't particularly close with your cousin, so perhaps no great loss if you don't go.

alleypalley · 02/04/2018 18:21

I do tend to think overseas weddings say “ we want to get married, but don’t want to invite anyone, as we have to invite you we’re just going to make it as awkward and expensive as we can, in the hope you won’t bother” maybe I’m just cynical

Not too cynical. That's pretty much why we got married abroad. We spoke to our closest friends and family first to check if the people important to us could /wanted to come. My sil is a teacher and she wanted to come so we set the date for half term.

I didn't even bother inviting extended family though. Most friends made a holiday out of it.

Tinysarah1985 · 02/04/2018 18:25

It’s a wedding invite, not a summons. If you don’t want to go you shouldn’t feel like you have to justify it. When people get married abroad i think they forget about the guests as it costs so much more and isn’t exactly
Somewhere you can go for the night.

sheworebluevelet · 02/04/2018 18:54

No one plans a wedding and " forgets about the guests". Otherwise you would elope.
The advantages of going abroad mean you can have an out of season wedding and not be freezing. In my home town it's registry office or vastly overpriced barn. For a third of the price I have a wonderful villa that makes it worth turning up for.We lovely food rather than overpriced catering.
I want my guests to have a wonderful time but accept they will have to think of it as a holiday, not just a really expensive weekend as most weddings are.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 02/04/2018 19:01

When people get married abroad i think they forget about the guests as it costs so much more and isn’t exactly somewhere you can go for the night.

...and another daft sweeping statement.

Let's see. I paid $6k for my guests' accommodation, found them round trip flights to the US for less than £200, organised their transport to/from the airport to be as cheap and easy as possible, laid on entertainment for them for two days, fed them, bought all their booze, and generally did everything I could to make sure they had a good time.

Yup. Totally forgot about them.

Strawberry2017 · 02/04/2018 19:15

It's possible that although she extended the invite she did it knowing most people wouldn't attend.
I think that's one of the reasons people go abroad for weddings as it's a good way of keeping the costs down. People are more likely to decline.
I wouldn't worry about it, politely decline and use your annual leave for you. X

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