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Original poster

How to like my in laws more

59 replies

kittycat84 · 02/04/2018 12:48

Help me finds ways to enjoy spending time with my pil?
I've tried! Honesty! It's just hard, I'm never rude or impolite to then, but I just find it all so draining, I use to have more energy in the beginning and could "fake" it but this last year I'm worn out, and think nope! The only way I can describe them is very sober!
There's not much fun, no laugher, energy! There not nasty or spiteful , mean well , but .. sorry to say it, soo boring, mil loves to worry, and then loves to put that worry on you, tries to tell me things on the sly that my hubby wouldn't like somthing, ( we've been married 10 years) , like if I want to plan a day out, or a trip)
I don't want to not like his parents, but I've not energy for a conversation! In the last 12 years! We've never just watched a film! The tv even gets turned off at Christmas, they don't want to play any games and just want to drink water! I just want to relax! We work so hard! and I just want to be able to have abit of fun, where just about to have a baby, and i wonder how it will be with them, they do live local, help me! I don't want my hubby to think I don't want to spend time with his folks, he knows what there like but he's just use to it xx

OP posts:
threelittledinosaurs · 02/04/2018 12:52

Hear hear. Following out of interesting as I'm in a similar-ish situation. I've completely lost the energy to try anymore, and avoid visiting at all costs. I try to make the 'best' of family gatherings, but more or less leave feeling completely drained.

Sarsparella · 02/04/2018 12:55

You can’t force yourself to like people just because they’re in laws - sounds like you’re making the best of it that you can, what does your DH say about them?

mimibunz · 02/04/2018 12:57

My inlaws are the same, but add to that an aversion to food on the part of my FIL. He only eats once a day and thinks that’s fine for everyone. We now take food with us!

Original poster
kittycat84 · 02/04/2018 12:58

He knows, but probs doesn't see me roll my eyes when I know there coming over !
He can get away with a lot more or just ignore them abit when there "going on" about somthing . My hubby is not like them at all,
I want to like them, I don't have much family, but I'd rather not spend much time with them which is sad .

OP posts:
alittlequinnie · 02/04/2018 12:59

My mum and dad are like this - we always make sure we meet them somewhere now - like a stately home and "do" something with them - can't deal with just sat in the living room trying to "chat".

Too tired after work, too many subjects to avoid - always try to "do" somehting - it helps!

DarkRoomDarren · 02/04/2018 13:01

Following with interest. I actually like my PILs, but really struggle with one of my sibling-in-laws and gbekr family. They are good people, but I really struggle to like them and find them so stressful to be with. It makes me sad as my dh has a nice relationship with them and I’d love to enjoy hosting them for his sake. As it is, he meets up with them on his own or with one of our dc instead of us all going.

Tainbri · 02/04/2018 13:01

Yup. Feel your pain. Just waved MIL off who's been staying for Easter. It's a battle of endurance for sure. Like you say, means well but drives me nuts. Not sure what the answer is I'm afraid Confused

notacooldad · 02/04/2018 13:01

The situation does sound hard work.
How about suggesting you meeet them in a park, nature reserve, whatever and go for a walk and finish in a cafe, just to get away from the house?

frasier · 02/04/2018 13:05

MIL should not even know that you are planning a trip or day out so she can't sabotage it. Tell her nothing. From right now.

If you have to spend time with them and people sit in silence, have a list of topics, write them down if you have to, keep them in your handbag or pocket and sneak a look in the loo. I know you shouldn't have to but, well, some people, as you say, are boring and you have to do all the work.

Also have a list of phrases that you can use when MIL starts to put her worry on you. Use the same phrases each time. "Oh dear, never mind it will probably never happen" or something similar. If she's doing it to get attention she'll soon realise you are not a source for that.

You'll probably find that DH and other family members do these things naturally! They have just learned the way of coping. My DH talked about films and food (what they had for dinner, I know, riveting lol!) with his M and that was it. MIL would tell him family news, usually bad, and DH would never comment other than "Oh, right" because if knew if he did there would be a fullscale whine about relatives.

It's hard. Can you limit your time with them to when you are out somewhere? We used to go to museums and galleries to relieve the boredom.

Original poster
kittycat84 · 02/04/2018 13:06

Like the ideas of meeting out, will try and do that, now the weather is picking up, but feel it may fall on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 02/04/2018 13:06

I imagine things will improve naturally once the baby comes along as it will give everyone a focus and give you an excuse to keep visits brief.

frasier · 02/04/2018 13:10

kittycat84 Then YOU go. That's what I did. PILs would come visit and I would say I was going to such and such a place (they came at weekends when I was off work when I would be doing these things anyway) and they were more than welcome to come... and they sometimes did and other times sat in with DH. Their choice.

NerrSnerr · 02/04/2018 13:13

My inlaws are like this. We go, sit politely on the settee and I hear about Joan from up the road. I agree with others, it’s easier to meet out somewhere. We try and meet half way between us. It’s a bit easier now we have children but they’re not really ‘children people’ so visits aren’t long.

NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 13:23

I don't like either of my in laws. They're boring and old fashioned and not the sort of people I would dream of spending time with in a million years. I just spend time with them occasionally and grit my teeth. Other than that I have no contact!

Original poster
kittycat84 · 02/04/2018 13:26

I can just imagine when I come home with my little baby! They will come round and put my dog on the lead in my house and sit there, waiting to be offered a drink, will ruin all the exciting energy, and then they will leave lol omg I'm awful arnt I 🤭

OP posts:
AnotherMIL · 02/04/2018 13:31

I am not a huge fan of my ILs either. Or rather, I was ambivalent towards them until I realised my MIL is trying to compete with me for her son’s affection.

I just try to have as little to do with them as possible.

frasier · 02/04/2018 13:41

"I can just imagine when I come home with my little baby! They will come round and put my dog on the lead in my house and sit there, waiting to be offered a drink, will ruin all the exciting energy, and then they will leave lol omg I'm awful arnt I"

Well if you are, I am also.

Not one of the iLs did anything when DS was born. They came, sat there expecting to be fed and watered. On one visit MIL announced that she should buy a gift for the baby, so DH offered to go out with her (to get her out of my way when I was trying to feed and hobble to the loo with a CS section scar). It was a Sunday and the shops opened early for browsing but the tills didn't open until noon. They chose an outfit... and waited for the till to open... and with 10 minutes to go MIL announced she couldn't wait any longer and came back.

DH did not see anything unusual with this.

himalayansalt · 02/04/2018 13:46

I think if you don't particularly enjoy spending time with your parents or inlaws or any family that you feel an obligation to and don't want to go no contact with, then a maximum of, say, 5 evenings a year like you've just described is what you need to aim for. If you are spending a lot of time with them, say weekly or fortnightly, then put your foot down and tell your dh that you don't want to do it any more. You would soon get shot of friends if they were that boring.

A couple of weekends plus Christmas and Easter is my limit with my inlaws and similar with my Mum tbh!

frasier · 02/04/2018 13:51

OMG I would never wreck Christmas with people I didn't want to spend time with!

PhuntSox · 02/04/2018 13:51

Talk to your husband about it before the baby arrives, make a list together of things you both agree you will or won't put up with, no to the dogs lead, length of visit, tea making etc.

bigKiteFlying · 02/04/2018 13:56

Going out, often announcing that is the plan not discussing it at all, and doing something, giving them tasks - my FIL thrives on DIY or being asked for advice on house stuff and MIL on clothes mending or curtains. They can actually be very useful here and even fun.

Resetting expectations about being waited on with food and drinks - or at least in my case DH stepping up much more and more takeout’s. They know it’s okay to make their own drinks – something they apparently needed to be told a few times.

DH also puts films or TV on and ignores the oh turn it off comments from MIL.

After a decade I noticed DH is often on his phone, laptop or out the room - I started to do that as well. Very rude of me but it helps with extra-long visits like over Easter or escape in other ways.

TheJoyOfSox · 02/04/2018 13:56

Do like I did with my last inlaws, stop visiting. They were dull, I hated visiting them, so I made excuses not to go.

Could you get out of visits? Or keep visits short? Very short, like 20 mins.

smithsinarazz · 02/04/2018 13:58

I love MIL but FIL is a complete and utter pain in the arse. I tolerate him for his wife and son's sake, but I'm less patient than either of them.

When our baby was born he did indeed come and stay and expect to be waited on - as you describe, OP, only without a dog (I rather like dogs). I still think it was completely out of order for DH to say this was ok.

I've learnt my own lesson and will be setting some VERY CLEAR boundaries in future (such as: must not stay for any more than two nights, must help with washing up, must not praise Nigel Farage, must not say I deserve to die, etc. )

puppower · 02/04/2018 14:01

I feel your pain. My inlaws are very good decent people but their whole approach to life is so different to my views. MIL is incredibly negative & anxious. She worries about things that have a 1% chance of happening, I find it draining & oppressive.

I try & focus on the positives & play to her strengths as she wants to be involved particularly as FIL is now very ill. For example she picks up DC1 2 days a week from preschool which they both enjoy & takes him to the park (park & school are 100 metres from house so low risk). DC1 has just turned 4 & she can cope with this. I would never ask her to babysit or change a nappy but she would take the baby for a walk. I’ve softened over the years as I’m conscious she may never have any other grandchildren & try and bite my tongue.

Notevilstepmother · 02/04/2018 14:05

When the baby arrives it will be easier, just give them the baby to coo over and you and the dog can escape to the kitchen to be very busy with something or other.

Baby’s are good for distracting people.

Meanwhile I suggest you make a “MIL worries about” bingo card. Grin

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