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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to cut DH’s cigarettes up?!

29 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 02/04/2018 09:22

Our youngest has just turned one. Since Christmas she has been to A&E four times and admitted to paediatrics twice with breathing difficulties. All 4 times it’s taken several nebulisers to get it under control.
DH doesn’t smoke a lot but will have a few if he’s drinking at the weekend. While he would never smoke in the house, he always ends up smoking below her bedroom window.
He won’t listen to my arguments about second hand smoke and, apparently, I’m nagging for the sake of it and using it as an excuse as I’ve wanted him to stop for ages (he promised to stop when I was pregnant the first time over 3 years ago but that’s a whole other thread!).
Surely if there was even a tiny risk that you were contributing to your daughter being repeatedly ill you’d stop?! He’s driving me nuts!!

OP posts:

Dozer · 02/04/2018 09:24

Sorry your DC has been so poorly.

He is BU. YWBU to destroy his cigarettes though.

Kerberos · 02/04/2018 09:26

A few cigarettes? Is the window closed? Feels like you are over reacting to me.

MoggyP · 02/04/2018 09:30

Yeah, fill your boots because cut- fags up is the way of quitting (inexplicably overlooked by smoking cessation services) and it's also known as a route to marital harmony.

If you are serious, the you need to get him to smoke somewhere else

And cut out the emotional blackmail too. A few fags, once or twice a week, outside the house, is not a health endangering level of second hand smoke.

Dozer · 02/04/2018 09:34

Is any smoke actually getting into her room? If so he should go elsewhere, eg front of house.

Chemicals on DH’s skin from smoking could be an issue too, but as he’s not a heavy smoker seem unlikely to be a factor in DD’s respiritory issues.

Thymeout · 02/04/2018 09:36

A few cigarettes outside is nothing compared to traffic pollution in the air. You surely won't have had the window open much since Xmas in this weather. A lot more babies are being admitted for breathing difficulties than they ever were before when more people smoked.

Teachervoice · 02/04/2018 09:39

Totally disagree with pps: I'd be livid and would make a huge fuss every time he went out there. My DH vapes (not regularly) but I don't let him anywhere near DS when he has done.

I'd be destroying every pack of cigarettes he buys. Even better: lock him out and see how he likes that.

BasilTheCat · 02/04/2018 09:39

(GP)
Surprised the hospital docs you've seen haven't told him to quit, one of the main reversible causes of resp problems in infants is smoking, even if it's a few the smell is still on his clothes/hair and lingers!
I find it quite selfish of him when the child has obviously been quite unwell.

strawberrypenguin · 02/04/2018 09:40

If she has breathing difficulties he shouldn't be smoking at all. The particle will still be on his clothes. I'd be furious to be honest. Why would you risk making her poorly.

AuntieStella · 02/04/2018 09:41

You sound very stressed.

Other posters are right that you are focussing on the wrong thing, and talking about it in an unnecessarily abrasive way.

He needs to smoke somewhere other than under her open window (if it's closed, there really isn't a risk). You need to check if you like in a pollution blackspot, or if there is a cocktail of household chemicals or some other allergen which is causing the breathing difficulties. It's scary, when there is something wrong with your Dc and the doctors have not yet got to the bottom of it.

I suspect you are feeling unsupported by your DH generally, which is what is causing you to lash out at the wrong thing. Do you communicate well generally? Have you spoken about the worries for your DC?

Cheesenacho123 · 02/04/2018 09:41

Unfortunately men don’t always listen or care. He doesn’t see it as he is doing any harm but it is. I have asthma and my dad used to smoke whilst I was in his car, he didn’t care one bit and it was horrible. He quit smoking a few years ago and I’m glad my son doesn’t have to go through that with us because we don’t smoke and doesn’t have to go through it with his grand parents because none of them smoke either. If you can get him to the doctors or a stop smoking place to help him, the better it will be for her. Cutting cigs will just make him angry and your probably more likely to split your family up doing that

SharronNeedles · 02/04/2018 09:41

I understand how you feel. Even if his smoking is only 1 tiny factor in her health issues, why take the risk? Why not just stop? He only has a few a week so hardly addicted.
On the other hand, as pp say, she will be getting worse from general polition and day to day life. Also, destroying something that is his because you don't like it is controlling and it will not end well.

TroysMammy · 02/04/2018 09:42

Perhaps he would like to explain to her when she's older that his smoking contributed to her being unwell.

Jimwenttothedarklands · 02/04/2018 09:42

Concentrate on getting him to smoke somewhere else.

I completely agree with you and think he is being unreasonable smoking anywhere near a child with a history of breathing issues (even if there is no clear link it won't help) BUT if he doesn't want to give up then he won't so you are wasting your breath and probably do seem like a nag (sorry!).

Find somewhere for him to smoke as a compromise.

Jimwenttothedarklands · 02/04/2018 09:43

Also YWBU cutting up his cigarrettes.

DressedLikeMutton · 02/04/2018 09:45

Whilst people drive diesel cars, please don't yap on about smoking.

Firesuit · 02/04/2018 10:02

Close the window?

SingleAgainThen · 02/04/2018 10:05

I would get him to smoke elsewhere & encourage him to give up.

Doobigetta · 02/04/2018 10:07

He'd just buy more, so the impact on your family's health would be the same but the financial impact would be greater.

donajimena · 02/04/2018 10:10

Don't cut up his cigarettes. All that will do is make him dig his heels in. You need to have a calm chat with him. Acknowledge that you understand how hard it is to quit. It really is!

Allen Carr easy way to stop smoking was an absolute game changer for me. Has he tried It? I can't stand the smell of cigarettes now and I really had to encourage (not nag or lose my temper) my OH to quit which he did. But when you are a smoker it does feel like you will never be able to stop.

TheWonderfulCat · 02/04/2018 10:13

Please dont cut up his smokes, he'll only resent you for it and it will make things worse.
I know its frustrating (my DH smokes) but when I got with him I knew he was a smoker, its up to him to quit.

Just keep the window shut and look for any other reasons your DC could be sick

soluna · 02/04/2018 10:16

@Cheesenacho123 - take your sexism somewhere else.

OP - It doesn't sound like your husband is in the wrong. The effect of his infrequent smoking is unlikely to be the cause and of course you're being unreasonable to destroy his property.

gillybeanz · 02/04/2018 10:17

How is he smoking outside contributing to the child being ill?
I'd ask him to move from her window when it was open though.

You can't dictate whether someone smokes or not and cutting up someone else's belongings is awful.
How would you like him to do this to something of yours.
You married a smoker, your choice and it doesn't sound like he smokes much neither.
YABVVVVVU

Talith · 02/04/2018 10:17

I've smoked I know how hard it is to quit but he should be at the end of the garden at least if he needs a smoke.

EasterRobin · 02/04/2018 10:22

Is any smoke getting in the house when he smokes? If her bedroom window is open then he is being unreasonable to smoke there, but if it's shut then he's not contributing to second hand smoke. He shouldn't be handling a very young baby in his smokey clothes but again if this is after she's gone to bed and the clothes go in the wash before he sees her again he is doing all he needs to.

liveandletbe · 02/04/2018 11:36

you are basically blaming him for her being on a nebuliser 4 times. This is what it sounds like. I find that absolutely horrible. More likely it could be a genetic issue, could be your genes, could be his. Using your DC as an argument against him having a few smokes, outside the house is beyond 'controlling'.

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