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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disparity in wages=Disparity in decisions about spending money

46 replies

Tmtiger · 01/04/2018 23:26

How does it affect other couples, my husband earns 3x as much as me, so most of the nice/fun things in life are paid for by him, holidays, meals out etc.

This means whenever we disagree about how money is spent, I back off very quickly, because he is earning the money that pays for alot of good things in our life.

So for example tonight, I wanted to watch a film on ondemand which cost about £4.50, he said we should watch the film we originally discussed 'the scent of a woman' as you don't have to pay anything for it, and we already payed for three on demand film's this weekend. But I want to watch 'film stars don't die in Liverpool' which would cost £4.50 to watch.

We are watching the free film, which I'm not enjoying and I want to say something but I'm not because he pays for our virgin subscription. But part of me is thinking, he went out for a meal and drinks in central London on Thursday and spent probably £100, wheras I hardly ever go out, and just want to watch this film tonight, but I'm not saying any of this out loud as he earns more than I do.

What are other people's experiences/advice on the subject of wage Disparity, discussions on how to spend money.

OP posts:
Dumbledoreswarrier · 01/04/2018 23:35

My DH earns way more than me, but we're a team. That was the agreement we made when we got married. It would never occur us to think about how much we both earn. There are so many aspects to our relationship and the finances are just one way we both contribute to the relationship. Are you sure your DH views finances in the same way and you're not just projecting your own financial insecurity?

yoyo1234 · 01/04/2018 23:42

Is the issue that you are not saying these things to him but posting here?

theymademejoin · 01/04/2018 23:43

Dh was earning 4 times as much as me when as I was working part-time. If I wanted to buy something, I bought it as all the money is joint.

I'm now working full-time and have got a promotion with a very large payrise so he's earning about 50% more than me now. I still spend if I want to as the money is joint.

Casmama · 01/04/2018 23:46

Tell him you’ll give him the £4.50 and watch what you want.
Seriously though, we both have the same amount of spending money and the rest goes in a joint pot for bills and family spending. This has been the way since we first got a mortgage/ had a baby and has been while I was the higher earner and will continue into a time where it looks like dh will be the higher earner.
Marriage is a team game imo.

Original poster
Tmtiger · 01/04/2018 23:47

I probably am projecting my own financial insecurities into this and many other situations. My salary went down at a similar time as he went up and I am very aware that I mainly contribute to the basic bills in our house, not the fun stuff

I do think it's my issue rather than his I'm perfectly comfortable fighting my corner in any other situation, but shut down when it comes to money as I see it as his rather than ours.

OP posts:
snewsname · 01/04/2018 23:49

Talk to him about how you feel.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 02/04/2018 00:03

partner 1 income + partner 2 income = household income.

all essential outgoings paid by household income

anything left over split 50/50

it's the only way

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 02/04/2018 00:14

Has he ever actually said he thinks you don't have as much say on how the money is spent because you don't earn as much as him?

By the way, how can you not be enjoying The Scent of a Woman?

cantstopfuckingeating · 02/04/2018 00:21

You really shouldn't be thinking like this
Marriage = team
I earn 50% more than dh and I will pay for holidays, meals out etc. His salary pays for mortgage and car
But who gives a fuck where the money comes from?? It goes into a pot. The pot priorities bills, food and diesel. Whatever is left goes on new clothes and other luxuries.
I would never say 'I paid for that' because we are a team, and we support and enable one another
I never understand partnerships who have separate finances. I love how our arrangement works. Not for everyone I know but it works for us and I'd def recommend it

Pixiedust1973 · 02/04/2018 00:22

Oh dear. DH & I are married & a partnership. We trust each other & everything is joint, not mine or his. He earns good money, I get maintenance for the kids & various disability allowances & carers. He definitely earns more than me & thats fine. Yet it was my money that paid for our house & thats fine too. I honestly couldn't of married a man who wanted to argue the toss about money. If you're a partnership its family money. I don't get it when people who call themselves couples as good as get the calculator out to fund daily living.. Hmm

Original poster
Tmtiger · 02/04/2018 00:32

He has never said I don't have equal say on money, and often reminds me we are not flat broke, so I don't have to be afraid of spending money, but I often get held back about discussing money due to how little I contribute, so I tend to let him lead, which I know isn't good.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 00:34

Oh earns a lot more than me. He pays the bills,I pay for the fun stuff,or home improvements.
There's no I paid for this I paid for that,give me 20£ have 30£ etc. There's no guilt or pressure or expectations.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/04/2018 00:43

All wages go into the pot here and we have equal say on how they're spent. At the moment I'm the sole earner but I would never expect dp not to have an equal say in what is spent.

himalayansalt · 02/04/2018 00:49

I think he's allowed to say "But hang on we've spent £15 on watching films on TV already this week. I think we should watch something free tonight". That is a valid point. I would say something like that to dh and he is the higher earner.

KrisMulreedy · 02/04/2018 01:03

He is perfectly within his rights to say 'no, we're not paying another fiver for a film this week'.

ToastyFingers · 02/04/2018 05:15

I'm a sahm and earn literally nil in terms of actual money.
We're not well off by any means but all decisions and finances are joint in our house and I have full access to the current account (read overdraft) so wouldn't need to ask about a film.

The problem isn't a disparity in wages, imo, it's a lack of respect.

Bufferingkisses · 02/04/2018 05:23

It sounds like, at the moment, this is an issue in your head. You really need to sit down with your oh and articulate this. It sounds like he may well think you're being ridiculous and that you should spend as you see fit (from the little you've posted).

Is the problem really that you don't feel equal because You feel you need to contribute equally to deserve equality? If so then please talk about it. This is not how a marriage should work, your input is not only valued in monetary terms. I know my oh would be mortified if they thought I was thinking this way. Hopefully yours would be too.

CatRen27 · 02/04/2018 05:37

I understand your position OP, as before we were married my DH and I were in a similar position. We used to live together and split bills proportionately (he earned almost twice me) and I always had a lot less disposable income and felt like I was always the poor one. Now that we're married we consider it 'our money', even moreso since we had our DC. It really is a matter of changing perspective - my DH had never really thought about how it made me feel and had been happy to pay for expensive nights out, but didn't see that it created a strange power dynamic.

We both contribute to a pot of money, from which bills and savings come out, and we get an equal amount of 'pocket money' to spend on ourselves. Joint accounts are the only way to go in my opinion. My DH kept a separate account for a few years and it freaked me out a bit - turned out it was to manage his work expenses etc and he's since closed it. His family is weird wiht money (his DPs in their 70s have NEVER shared a dime), whereas my parents have always shared everything.

These days I freelance and some months earn more than DH, and other months earn nothing. It's swings and roundabouts and we're much happier sharing and being a team as PPs have said. Good luck!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2018 05:52

Dh and I are a team. I’m too ill to work. The money he earns is family money. You need to change your outlook for it sounds as though you are limiting yourself.

speakout · 02/04/2018 05:57

Don't have kids OP.

speakout · 02/04/2018 05:59

My ex was like this.

It got to the point that we ate different food. we went on holiday and he was in the posh part of the plane.

Ex for a reason.

M0RVEN · 02/04/2018 06:14

Do you have children with him OP?

I dont see why its Ok for him to spend 100 on a night out but you cant spend a fiver .

hidinginthenightgarden · 02/04/2018 06:35

I did when I was earning half he was yes. Still do to an extent to be honest.

MayCatt · 02/04/2018 06:49

I couldn't live like this OP. We are a family and a team and contribute in different ways. Just because one of us gets paid more than the other doesn't mean they should have more of a say in what we do.

This will eat away at you if you're not careful and sour your relationship. I'd have a conversation and explain that this is how you feel and work out a way around things.

DH and I split household bills in roughly the same proportion as our wages. There are lots of ways to do it but clearly something needs to change for you.

Juells · 02/04/2018 07:01

You need two TVs.