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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disparity in wages=Disparity in decisions about spending money

46 replies

Tmtiger · 01/04/2018 23:26

How does it affect other couples, my husband earns 3x as much as me, so most of the nice/fun things in life are paid for by him, holidays, meals out etc.

This means whenever we disagree about how money is spent, I back off very quickly, because he is earning the money that pays for alot of good things in our life.

So for example tonight, I wanted to watch a film on ondemand which cost about £4.50, he said we should watch the film we originally discussed 'the scent of a woman' as you don't have to pay anything for it, and we already payed for three on demand film's this weekend. But I want to watch 'film stars don't die in Liverpool' which would cost £4.50 to watch.

We are watching the free film, which I'm not enjoying and I want to say something but I'm not because he pays for our virgin subscription. But part of me is thinking, he went out for a meal and drinks in central London on Thursday and spent probably £100, wheras I hardly ever go out, and just want to watch this film tonight, but I'm not saying any of this out loud as he earns more than I do.

What are other people's experiences/advice on the subject of wage Disparity, discussions on how to spend money.

OP posts:

FleurDelacoeur · 02/04/2018 08:37

DH earns about 10 times what I earn and we don't have these arguments at all. We've always had joint money, he doesn't have lavish tastes and wouldn't dream of spending large sums without running it past me first - and I wouldn't either.

speakout · 02/04/2018 08:39

We have one pot.

I gave up work for many years when we had kids and earned zero.

All OHs money was " our" money.

I now earn twice what OH earns and all earnings are " our" money.

We have never argued over money.

evilharpy · 02/04/2018 08:46

I am only working part time at the moment and my husband's salary is about twice mine. In the past I have earned significantly more than him and probably will again at some point in the future. All our money is joint and while we would discuss a major purchase (probably anything £100+) before making it, I certainly don't need permission.

The only time I ask him for money is if I want some cash for something and haven't been to the ATM, he will happily hand over whatever cash happens to be in his wallet.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 02/04/2018 08:47

Reading your post, it sounds like this is less about not husband, and more about how you feel? Have you talked to him about how you feel?

I am the higher earner, and we don't have joint finances due to my abysmal credit rating, and DPs being really good. If there is a big purchase to be made, we discuss it together. For something like the 4.50 film, I would just transfer a fiver to DP, and vice versa.

TheHobbitMum · 02/04/2018 08:52

My DH earns about 4x what I do but all money is joint and we both spend equally. Our money is never his/hers and I wouldnt have it any other way. We discuss larger purchases but small ones we can each spend what we like as we know our budgets and keep to them.

HeadingForSunshine · 02/04/2018 08:57

If he earns three times more than you and has already paid for three films why didn't you offer to pay for the fourth. £18 on films! We would never do that, what a waste when there's so much free stuff available.

I don't know what the answervis everyone deals with finances differently.

Babyplaymat · 02/04/2018 08:57

To those saying don't have kids etc, this attitude isn't coming from the husband, it is coming from the OP. There is nothing to say he is right or unreasonable. He is entitled to have an opinion on blowing the best part of £20 on films regardless of who earns what. Unless he always picks the films, why shouldn't he pick this one?

dementedpixie · 02/04/2018 09:01

I totally begrudge paying for films on demand that you only see once, especially if you've already watched 3 this weekend.

CPtart · 02/04/2018 09:02

DH earns several times what I do. We each pay a % of our salary into joint account for all bills, holidays etc and the remainder is for each of us to spend how we wish. I am a saver and DH a spender. Therefore if he wants to spend £100 on a shirt, that comes out of his spare money not mine.

phoenix1973 · 02/04/2018 09:06

I earn 25% of what he earns.
He pays mortgage and hols abroad
I pay food shopping and all clothes shoes dinners fun for dd and myself.
My earnings have recently increased so i want to overpay on the mortgage each month to get it down quicker.
There is a disparity in that i would prefer a villa hol (very pricey) to all inclusive, but until I'm able to pay that myself i have to accept AI. Which isn't that bad!
In your shoes, i would have paid him for your movie. Get a bit of control back 😄

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 02/04/2018 09:11

This isn't entirely about the film.

I do understand saying, on any budget, I don't want to pay another fiver for a film I'm only seeing once. It's annoying. I also see why you thought it might be reasonable for five pounds to be spent. However, in your OP you say you hardly ever go out, because you can't afford it. It also sounds like you have so little that a fiver on a frippery is a problem. How does this work? If you do have large salary disparity, either the higher earner subs the other or you have a lifestyle designed for the budget of the lower earner.

And do you have kids OP?

Skippetydoodah · 02/04/2018 09:12

Is this just about the film or a bigger issue? I can easily imagine one of us saying to the other 'oh come on we've already spent X on films this week and we'd already chosen this free one', regardless of who is earning more (which has been different at different times). We might then spend 20 quid on a takeaway or one of us might go online and spend 100 quid on something we want So it's not about the money as such, just that we've already spent X on that particular thing that week and it's not a good use of money.

Do you think he actually feels he should have more say in general or is it more about you and how you feel because you earn less?

Spottytop1 · 02/04/2018 09:14

There is nothing wrong with your dh saying let's watch the free film we agreed on when you want to change your mind and pay for another film after already watching 3 paid ones over the last few days.

You seem to have an issue and are projecting it, if dh has not said anything about earning more or controlling spending I can't see how he is in the wrong?

Tumbleweed101 · 02/04/2018 09:24

You could see it that your dh earns enough to keep house and pay bills and you earn the fun money for the household with your wage?

trojanpony · 02/04/2018 09:48

YABU because I had to endure filmstars don’t die in Liverpool and it was dire!!! (broken/faulty entertainment system on a long haul flight)

I also agree with babyplaymat and headingforsunshine

DontMakeMeShushYou · 02/04/2018 09:57

Your DH has a point but if you really want to watch it, why don't you pay for it? Surely you have some money left over after bills to spend as you choose? Although I suppose if you don't have separate bank accounts, it might be more difficult to feel like you have your own money.

But then I also don't get the concept of paying for anything 'on demand'. I wouldn't pay for one, let alone four!

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 10:14

Who ordered the other 3 x on demand films? Whose choice were they? Instead of paying for 4 x £4.50 for on demand films (in one weekend!) why don't yoy add Sky Cinema or a similar service to your subcription? There's lots of new films.

Apart from the above, we need more detail. How else does he control the money? Do you have access to the joint account? Why don't you go out?

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 10:17

Don't it doesn't work like, purchases are added to the household monthly bill.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 10:19

You could see it that your dh earns enough to keep house and pay bills and you earn the fun money for the household with your wage?

That would imply OP's job and salary are frivolous. Just because she doesn't earn as much as DH doesn't mean her contribution is not serious.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2018 11:05

It's as though you think the film that you watched was rubbish because it was free. Whereas the other one would be better because you were paying for it. Is it about money, or do you think that you should have got your own way?

You said that he wanted to stick to what you originally discussed, so did you change your mind and wanted him to go with that?

It doesn't matter how much money you have, it's worth keeping tabs on unnecessary spending. Surely you'll get to watch the film next week? Does he get to pick, who picked the other films?

You wanted ammunition to argue a bit more about the film and didn't feel as though you could.

You sound as though you are throwing a strop, tbh.

veggiethrower · 02/04/2018 11:29

Mmmm... without more information and the backstory it is difficult to say whether YABU or not.
I think YAB a bit U with regards to the film thing - 4 paid for films in one weekend is a lot and you had already agreed on the fourth film which was free.
However if everything is an issue financially then you have a problem in your relationship which needs to be addressed. You shouldn't be feeling that you have to get his approval for every little thing. Also if he is spending 100 quid on a night out with his friends but resents spending 4.50 on something for you, then you have a DP problem.
How are the household bills shared?

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