Friends who never invite you round...

[ForkIt]

Aibu in getting fed up of friends who are quite pushy about play dates, but never invite you back?

Common theme is they have a tidier house that’s a bit nicer and seem to like my smaller tattier house for little kids play (we have 5 or 6 between us under 7 depending on the friend). Well,it’s my theory! Two in particular every text exchange is basically

• hi do you want to meet up
• yes that’d be nice
• what time shall we come round (or similar variant)

They’re not bad people and pleasant enough, but I’m at the point of cutting losses. It’s always a big tidy up however pleasant the kids are and if it’s not a thing to be shared I’m fed up. Can meet in the park or cancel.

Am I being irrationally annoyed? TBH it’s not even so much having them round, to some extent it’s cutting off my nose to spite my face- but it’s really started to grate a bit. I’ve got more and more blunt with saying ‘no’ lately, one I’d say comes round about monthly but in 6 years I’ve been to her place twice. Full of toys, tidy and well decorated (and no we don’t leave a big mess! Mine have never broken a toy or damaged a thing and I’m the kind of person to do a little tidy up on the way out as I’m always the host and I know it’s not fun)

When you reply to their text make sure you suggest the venue first so 'that would be nice, will x o'clock at venue or yours do?' That way you're in control of choosing the venue. Be a bit more assertive!

Revise your scenario:

hi do you want to meet up
- yes that’d be nice, what time shall we come round?

Hi do you want to meet up?

Ooh yes please. Dying to get out of the house. I can be at yours after lunch. I will bring cake.

I guess that feels rude and awkward to invite when there’s clearly an issue, I think I’d rather a park meet or not meet tbh

I just give a reason for not mine, then another venue as opposed to forcing an invite.

It just makes me feel rather lukewarm towards the friendship- would it for others?

Just say if you don't want them round. There is one house we can't visit because my kid is petrified of their dogs, and the distress is real and too much. So we go out or have them here, to the point that both sets of kids think we are all going back to mine after an activity. If it sets my anxiety off (ie if the house isn't 'kid ready' coz we are mid decorating) I just say no and we do something else.
I think the problem in your case is that you suspect your friends are taking the piss. Check it out (they may think you prefer not to travel - I know someone like this). Hopefully there is a reasonable explanation.

Totally agree. Now that the weather is (should) be fining up do the meet at the park thing. Or you could say ‘meet at yours or perhaps at the park?’ If they say yours you’ll just have to find something creative to say! I know people will say just be honest but I can see how sometimes it might sound rude or awkward even if it plainly isn’t! Some of us are just made up differently

How about when they text next say "yes, I'd love to get out of the house! What do you fancy doing?" And if they don't suggest anything then you know they're taking advantage of your (mis-interpreted) willingness to host...

Cheese... you’ve nailed it... it’s always a bit ‘well where then?’ Once I say no. And pressure to suggest somewhere when it’s impossible to find anywhere that works..

Meeting a friend later in the week, it’s raining, places will be busy. I’ve suggested a whole load of places and we’ve settled on a soft play that’s practically at the end of her road that her boys won’t like for want of any other suggestion...

I had friends like this throughout dds primary years. It got old very quickly.

Nothing wrong with saying 'oooh not mine, house is a tip and I want to escape it not add to the mess, yours or the park/softplay/whatever'.

I was glad when we moved away. It ended up being bbqs, summer paddling pool days, sleepovers, cuppa after the school run, quick coffee after dancing etc etc etc. Friend had 3 dcs. I had 1. Dds friend was the oldest out of 3 so I ended up inheriting toddlers when I had already been through that stage.

I drove past their house the other day. Really wanted to call in for a cuppa with whirlwind 4 year old ds and send him upstairs to play for 3 bastarding hours just to see how it felt to outstay a welcome and walk out with a child plastered in make up, paint and felt tips and see if I could see the fear in her eyes about what she would find upstairs.

Don't let it get to the stage where you have to say no - intercept the conversation as Cheese suggests by putting the onus back on them (where it belongs).

I have friend whose house I have never been to. And it's unlikely I ever will. Her husband is an oddball, and I suspect the house is in a bit of an 'interesting' state and she's a bit embarrassed. It's taken her years to accept that we accept her, and her odd ball husband for who they are, no judgement.

She's my friend, she doesn't feel comfortable with people at hers, not skin off my nose. I like her for her, not for her hosting skills. I'll happily have them round here or meet out of the home. I don't see the issue.

DD is 18. She has a friend who has never had a party. Her mother is an anal cow who prides herself on her neat and tidy house. They wash the dogs paws after they have walked it.

Anyone is welcome here to my untidy dog smelly shithole.

I can see where your coming from but I'm kind of the opposite in that my house is small and cramped and my friends have beautiful big houses so we tend to go round to theirs more often.
It's easier with more space but I do still have them round sometimes.

Some people have really unsuitable houses for children. I am one of these people. I dont want to run the risk of killing peoples children!
My own son has grown up here so is very used to it but im very frightened of other toddlers coming round because I cant guarentee they will be safe unless watched constantly by a parent.

Thankfully my two friends with kids the same age as my son never ever suggest coming round here and always want to have play dates at theirs. One of them did suggest once and she came over for a coffee by herself and then never suggested it again after seeing the house.

Will be fine when children are a bit older say 5 or 6.

Id suggest if you dont want play dates round yours just firmly say no. They wont get offended because they dont want play dates round theirs do they so they will have to understand!! Say to meet at the park or softplay or something?

I've got a friend whose house we always go to, its huge (her kitchen is bigger than the whole downstairs of my house), loads of outside space, loads of toys, animals, sand, the whole lot! Its much more fun for the kids going there (hers and mine). Im really conscious of the fact we never have them here so when we go there I always take lots of food for lunch, cake etc. If I suggest meeting up I always do it at the same time as suggesting a place so she doesnt think im angling to go round to hers. Sometimes if she asks us round to hers I say no so I dont look too keen! I try not to go to playdates at other peoples houses if possible because I know I dont really want to reciprocate.

I'd do as the others suggest and respond so that your house isnt a venue, if they dont like where you suggest they'll have to come up with some other options wont they!

I’ve been to see her house twice. It is perfectly suitable, toys, safe etc... bigger than mine, nice garden. DH would be at work etc. Really no issue, no scenario to imagine about it, a pleasant 4 bed child friendly house. No issues happened when we were there, no damage, mess or incident.

The thing is my house is a very open door relaxed house normally, 5 children, laid back. I obviously have many people in and out as we are also near school. It’s just on my wick when it’s NEVER reciprocated. To the point of standing in the park in the rain for 10 min until we give up when Dah was laying carpet and mine was not possible.

I’ve got the wits to know some can’t host for reasons. I have friends who can’t, one bed flats in temp accommodation for example, and of course I never feel that way about them (maybe as they tend to tidy up a bit before leaving and generally share in other ways like bringing towards lunch etc)

The other thinking about it is probably anally tidy, been once- it’s all cream carpets, cleaners etc.... but still, just because mine aren’t cream....

forkit ah okay im sorry I just do personally feel bad for not being able to host so I misinterpreted your OP... I can see why you are pissed off if their house appears to be fine to host and it may just be that they cant be bothered with the mess or hassle

There you go. Tidy. Cream carpets. Can't be arsed having kids round.

I have been in a similar situation. I really like hosting but it’s lovely putting your feet up in someone else’s house while they make tea for a change and coming home after a play date to your tidy house with kids fed and ready for bed. When it was me hosting for the umpteenth time without any hint of an invite back, I stopped inviting them over. For me friendship has to work two ways!

OP, I feel your pain. There are certain "friends" I point-blank refuse to invite over anymore as they never reciprocated but also while they were here they never helped tidy up or offered to bring lunch etc. And the children of one mum in particular were highly skilled in the art of massive mess creation. It still annoys me now thinking about it! (It was a few years ago.)

It could be something as simple as anxiety. If she has a perfect house then she might be able to manage her own kids but having other people in her house could be a real cause for anxiety.

I'd just weigh up if the friendship is important to you and then suggest places away from your house every time. Either she will drift from the friendship or you'll stay friends.

Umm, you mentioned in your last post that you have five children, what ages are they? Would they all be there if you went to someone’s for a play date? If so that’s a lot of kids.

Yeah if you'd be bringing 5 could that be why? Might they feel they are lacking stuff to entertain your differently-aged children? Though TBH that is more an excuse.

I think PPs are right though, try getting in first with the "great, what time shall we come?" and see how that goes.