Friends who never invite you round...

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Aibu in getting fed up of friends who are quite pushy about play dates, but never invite you back?

Common theme is they have a tidier house that’s a bit nicer and seem to like my smaller tattier house for little kids play (we have 5 or 6 between us under 7 depending on the friend). Well,it’s my theory! Two in particular every text exchange is basically

• hi do you want to meet up
• yes that’d be nice
• what time shall we come round (or similar variant)

They’re not bad people and pleasant enough, but I’m at the point of cutting losses. It’s always a big tidy up however pleasant the kids are and if it’s not a thing to be shared I’m fed up. Can meet in the park or cancel.

Am I being irrationally annoyed? TBH it’s not even so much having them round, to some extent it’s cutting off my nose to spite my face- but it’s really started to grate a bit. I’ve got more and more blunt with saying ‘no’ lately, one I’d say comes round about monthly but in 6 years I’ve been to her place twice. Full of toys, tidy and well decorated (and no we don’t leave a big mess! Mine have never broken a toy or damaged a thing and I’m the kind of person to do a little tidy up on the way out as I’m always the host and I know it’s not fun)

Agree with UpOver- with big families, it can be over intimidating to expect everyone to accommodate you. We often ended up hosting because of space- however, living on a farm, occasionally we had to point out that there were times for spraying chemicals, handling dangerous equipment and carrying out jobs that didn't include turning our home into a petting zoo for people's kids.
Perhaps one day it would be great if you could come over, as you've got to air the house/bug spray it?

I’ve never brought more than 3 at once (age gap), and one of them has two, the other 3. Never done a full 5 invasion!

And they are the same ages to within a very close gap as the other people’s children. Bar one doesn’t have one of the middle age.

Honestly, they is no hidden surprise reason. I think it’s just the hassle of it all compared to turning up and then going.

I'm very happy to host here and don't do it just to be invited back. However, I have a friend who has been over lots with her dc, same ages as my dc. I always feed her children but on the only occasion we were invited there she didn't offer anything except crisps and biscuits.

Just for clarity, the big two can be home alone and disappear for all play dates... well past the age of joining in at all with the younger ones.

I’m more reflecting on we are probably more laid back than most as it’s been many years of having multiple friends by and we’re quite open door. I’m not precious about my house, in fact I’m happy to have most round, it’s just ridiculous with a few who seem to want to met more than average but are very noticeable and bold in their suggestions

Eg

-are you free Tuesday?

• yes, after football club
• ok, your place?
• sorry but it’s ds1 having friends round that night, not the space really
• well where then?

-um, do you have any place the kids want to go? -no

• park?

-it’s forecast rain -...... ok maybe another time?

Why don't you just say:

Friend: great, yours?
You: we met at mine last time, your turn this time?

Could there be another reason other than being house proud? We lived in one house for about a year when DD was a toddler, it was rented and for various reasons it was a rushed decision to move in, but we found it had the most revolting damp all over the house. You could smell it when you walked in the door and I was always worried about other people's kids getting ill. Not one friend crossed the threshold of that house, I always suggested going to them but never really said why

OP, I feel your pain.
Mine is not just playdates but dinner parties too.
Friend: Lets get the families together, OH would love to see your OH again and the kids will be thrilled.
Me: Great, I'll be up for that
Friend: Ok, are you free next weekend for us to come.

And its never reciprocated! I agree with the poster who said friendship should be both ways.
We have a bigger house now, but even when we lived in the city in a dolls house we still hosted.
If you like going around to other peoples houses you should return the invite.

It's def rude to not return invites, so be under no illusion that you are BU, you are not. And good advice on here about how to turn things round.

But I would just say, as the parent of an only child, my house was only ever set up for her age and stage.

You say you never bring more than 3, but when my dad was - say - 8 , my home would have been totally unsuitable for ch under 5. Like . . . Proper dangerous. I'd have been horrified and terrified if I'd invited a friend round for a play date and siblings requiring entertainment rocked up as well

You: we met at mine last time, your turn this time?

^This. It's not rude suggesting their place, after all, they have no problem suggesting yours.

"- what time shall we come round (or similar variant)"
I think it's your turn to play host, surely ?

Well, that would be my response anyway.

We are that family who rarely (never) invite people round. Our youngest child has autism and huge related anxieties. Having anyone round - even people he knows well - causes meltdown. People touching his stuff is worse (even his siblings touching is too much). We’ve tried desensitising by inviting his friends, but it has always ended very badly. We always try to do return play dates though, whether it be soft play, cinema or something else. Some parents understand, though not many, when we explain. Fortunately we have a decent group of friends who don’t judge us for never inviting round - they get it. And we are the most generous guests going to compensate for never being able to organise a return fixture.

Some people prefer going out or to the other person’s house so they control when they leave. Nothing worse than being tapped out when your visitor isn’t.