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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like unexpected visitors

28 replies

Chaosandchocolate · 01/04/2018 19:25

I'm sure this has been done before but right now im torn between an early night and tackling mess.

Twice, a couple of years apart, I've had family turn up on my doorstep...."surprise!".

They live in a different country so this is a big deal. On one occasion house was an utter mess, one child playing in underwear, one in nappy mid breastfeeding. I hadn't showered/dressed... You get the drift.

The most annoying thing was that with a bit of notice I would have loved to see them but as it was I didn't enjoy the visit at all.

Another visit I was unable to spend time with the person because of other plans.

Rant over. Do i take the risk of a lazy evening.
AIBU to not be delighted by such surprises?! I think I hurt feelings in the past.

OP posts:
ConstantReminder · 01/04/2018 19:28

They are being ridiculous to just turn up like this. How could anybody expect a warm welcome, clean beds, house full of food etc etc.

I’d fein illness that may be contagious, doctors orders to rest etc. They’d have no choice but to move on..........😷🤒

MissionItsPossible · 01/04/2018 19:30

I would think that is so rude. Is it immediate family? If I wasn’t close to them I’d think about slamming the door shut in their faces. I wouldn’t think to drop by on someone without contacting them first if they lived five minutes away, let alone in another country. Very rude.

VodkaRusschian · 01/04/2018 19:35

Yanbu. I have a neighbour who pops in regularly 2 or 3 times a week. Even if she can see I'm just about to eat lunch or in the middle of cooking she'll say 'Don't mind me, just carry on'. A couple of times I've been in pyjamas early evening. And dh in his pants watching telly, having to dash off and put some trousers on. I spend a lot of time wishing she would go. Stays about an hour. I'd feel a lot differently if she would just text and ask if I'm free for a chat. Irritating.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 01/04/2018 19:36

Fucking hate this, even for a cup of tea. Even when I’m not busy, I’m consciously not busy, because I’m resting, and probably in my pyjamas. YANBU at all. People should should first, then make plans. I think this is to do with an introvert/ extrovert thing. Extroverts probably love people popping round, because it’s a fun thing for them. Introverts hate it, because, however much they love the person that has popped round, they haven’t built themselves up for it.

BackforGood · 01/04/2018 19:36

Do you mean expecting to stay with you ? Shock
In which case YANBU. Of course you don't expect to go and stay with people without notice.

If you mean they are over here, and staying elsewhere, and taking things day by day and took a chance to call in to see you, on the off chance, then that's different - nobody in those circumstances would expect you to have cleaned / tidied / prepared lots of food, and will take you as you are and just have a cuppa. In which case, YABU.

Original poster
Chaosandchocolate · 01/04/2018 19:37

They are nearby but not due to visit me for a couple of days. It just occurred to me this evening they might show up early.

I have a child free afternoon tomorrow with the purpose of cleaning in preparation. I think I'm going to do enough tonight to look respectable in case.

I feel like I'm uptight as i hate uncertainty. it's not even 100% guaranteed they will be here when planned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chaosandchocolate · 01/04/2018 19:42

If you mean they are over here, and staying elsewhere, and taking things day by day and took a chance to call in to see you, on the off chance, then that's different - nobody in those circumstances would expect you to have cleaned / tidied / prepared lots of food, and will take you as you are and just have a cuppa. In which case, YABU.

Cross posted but yes, more this scenario this time so perhaps IABU.
(The other occasions I didn't know they were nearby.) No theyre not expecting to stay over. I'm just not that relaxed. Although I'm less uptight about friends I see day to day.

OP posts:
ConstantReminder · 01/04/2018 19:47

Still can’t get why friends/family can’t just phone or text to say ~ we will be around on Tuesday, are you free for a catch up over a drink ~ if so, where and when do you suggest.

That way everybody is ready and willing.

Original poster
Chaosandchocolate · 01/04/2018 20:46

Well I've made a start. I must try to live in a more generally presentable way!

OP posts:
Raven88 · 01/04/2018 20:48

I don't answer my door unless they have called first because I don't do surprise visits.

Polkadot1974 · 01/04/2018 20:49

YANBU. I loathe unannounced visitors. I like to be ready with my visitor greeting face on.

anonymous2018 · 01/04/2018 20:49

I absolutely detest this. It’s my biggest hate in life. There is no need for it in this day and age where everyone generally has a mobile. It makes me so angry. I have been known to leave the house in the past when the in laws have done it.

Hassled · 01/04/2018 20:55

I can think of 3 people about whom I would be completely relaxed with them walking through the door unannounced - 2 close friends, and my brother. Anyone else can just piss off - that's how welcoming I am. I need notice, dammit. Mind you I'm the sort of person who would hate a surprise party or anything like that.

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/04/2018 20:55

Extroverts probably love people popping round, because it’s a fun thing for them. Introverts hate it I'm an introvert and very happy to have people drop in, so I don't think it's as simple as that.

I'm old enough to remember when not everyone had a telephone (landline, I mean. It was well before mobiles), so dropping in happened quite frequently - in fact, people would be quite offended if they heard a relative had been in the area and hadn't dropped in.

Original poster
Chaosandchocolate · 01/04/2018 21:11

The previous occasions which were a complete surprise oddly made me feel a bit disappointed/unimportant, even though I think they thought I'd be really pleased.

This time I know the potential visitors are nearby, bit different. I've made the place reasonably cosy in case they show. Of course they will probably come in two days exactly as planned!

Interesting point Mere. I can remember as a child people dropping in. I like the idea of being welcoming. Maybe when DC are older.

OP posts:
Graphista · 01/04/2018 21:17

With these type of threads I always wonder why op and others don't just SAY to these rude people!

"It's not convenient just now we'll catch up with you another time, bye!"

You don't HAVE to let them into YOUR HOME.

"I'm old enough to remember when not everyone had a telephone (landline, I mean. It was well before mobiles), so dropping in happened quite frequently - in fact, people would be quite offended if they heard a relative had been in the area and hadn't dropped in."

So am I old enough to remember not everyone having a landline etc there's always someone says this on threads like this, but you know what? It WASN'T just EXPECTED you'd be admitted into people's HOMES even then! They may not have been home, might have been ill or it was otherwise inconvenient and the home dwellers would say so. People seem to have forgotten that! (Or using revisionist history) Plus we DO mostly have at least a landline, if not mobile phone, email, SM now so it's VERY easy to use good manners and check first.

Very rude just to show up I hate it and have no qualms telling folk so (the people I know well and I care about know better anyway and also don't like it).

Gide · 01/04/2018 21:19

@VodkaRusschian

I had a neighbour like that, even if I stood on the doorstep, she’d barge past me! Another neighbour has a superb strategy: she stands squarely in the door, arms folded, inner door closed. I thoroughly admire her strategy (currently fending off other neighbour who’s partner sadly died, he seems to think it’s the obvious solution!)

I detest unexpected visitors. Bra is off, shite TV is on, glass is full, DH is at work, sod off! I’d be devastated if anyone came round! Grin

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 01/04/2018 21:22

I don't even really like EXPECTED visitors so ya definitely nbu !

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/04/2018 21:25

To be fair though, back in the day when people had no phones and would be offended if you didn't call, that was before they had the internet to complain on, I bet most of them would inwardly groan when visitors arrived and then act offended if they found out they didn't call but really be doing so internal sigh of relief

Original poster
Chaosandchocolate · 01/04/2018 21:29

I should have said it's immediate family. (I must sound really unfriendly now). So of course I wouldn't want to turn them away. Just don't like not knowing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2018 21:58

I was raised to believe that unexpectedly showing up at someone's (anyone's) door, aside from a true emergency of course, is absolutely unacceptable and the height of rudeness. I still feel this way. It boggles my mind that anyone would think this is ok. I would be livid if I were you.

mumontherun14 · 01/04/2018 22:25

I am with you I hate it too. My family are quite good about texting and making an arrangement to come but my inlaws are hopeless. They do it all the time and its really annoying as I always feel caught off guard xxx

BackforGood · 01/04/2018 22:47

I was raised to believe that unexpectedly showing up at someone's (anyone's) door, aside from a true emergency of course, is absolutely unacceptable and the height of rudeness. I still feel this way. It boggles my mind that anyone would think this is ok. I would be livid if I were you.

...... and I was raised to be welcoming, and put the kettle on if someone came to my house. I would be / am delighted to see friends, or relations who felt / feel comfortable enough to pop round without expecting a 'show'. I'm lucky enough to have friends and family who come to see me, not do some sort of house inspection.

Isn't MN wonderful for teaching us about how other people live, and think? Smile

Delatron · 01/04/2018 22:50

Did they expect to stay when they turned up 😱?

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/04/2018 22:50

It WASN'T just EXPECTED you'd be admitted into people's HOMES even then! No, but you called rude because you'd knocked at an inconvenient time. I know times have changed, and most people (though not everyone) have mobiles, but if you were brought up with one expectation, and your friends are your age group rather than younger people, it can be hard to realise times have changed and in particular notions of politeness have changed.