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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be designated driver for my entire pregnancy

56 replies

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 01/04/2018 11:44

I'm pregnant and not drinking.

DP and I have met up with friends/family recently for drinks. E.g. I drove yesterday to the pub, DP and his family had drinks over a few hours. They got a bit merry and tbh I was pretty bored by the end of it but I sucked it up as it's not a regular occasion.

Today we are going to a restaurant for what will be a boozy lunch with other family and already the expectation is oh Biscay will drive us all as she's not drinking anyway. I pointed out to DP that this is what happened yesterday and it's not particularly fun to watch other people drink (not steaming drunk but more more than 1 or 2 drinks) when you're the only sober one and would he mind driving today? He says it's fine and of course he will drive but now I'm worried IABU and miserable asking him not to drink either.

I'm not expecting anyone to stop drinking and having a good time because a pregnant woman is with them or DP to abstain from alcohol throughout my pregnancy. Just wondered if IABU to sometimes expect DP to drive and not drink also so there is someone else on my sober level. Or AIBU and unnecessarily ruining his fun?

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 01/04/2018 12:02

@Muddlingalongalone That's exactly it! I think it's about waiting around for people to decide they've had enough whilst not being able to join in the fun.

I will drive but will set a fair time to be leaving.

OP posts:
twobambinos · 01/04/2018 12:06

I didn't mind driving in my first pregnancy but I would just leave when I've had enough wouldn't be going too far out of my way to be dropping people home etc. After the 1st one the boozy lunches and nights out are usually less anyway with a baby.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2018 12:08

I think it's a bit petty to refuse to drive if you're not drinking anyway and going to the get together. If you didn't want to go for some reason or another then I don't think you should be obliged to go. But why not drive if you're not drinking and the others are. If they get too drunk then walk out and tell them to get a taxi back. Don't drive drunks.

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 12:09

As driver you have control, so leave at the agreed leaving time.

If he doesn't want to, he can catch a lift with the others or taxi/PT.

PuppyMonkey · 01/04/2018 12:09

Well yes, that’s the rule. You drive but you also get to say when you’re leaving. If anyone wants to stay longer, they can get taxis home.

You also get to say you’re not going out at all and you can stay at home watching Netflix instead of listening to drunk prattling. In which case the others sort their own travel arrangements.

TheJoyOfSox · 01/04/2018 12:09

Meh, you sound petty tbh.

You’re not drinking so you are the obvious choice to be designated driver.

I can’t see how you benefit by stopping your DH or anyone else from drinking.

If you don’t want to watch everybody else have fun whilst you nurse a limes &soda, how about you drop DH off and go home, he can call you when he’s ready for you to pick him up.

Bumpitybumper · 01/04/2018 12:10

YaNBU

All those people saying that it didn't/wouldn't bother them, that's great but OP has stated it does bother her and she would like a sober companion sometimes. Everyone is different and just because you're pregnant it doesn't mean you automatically have to be designated driver if it's something you don't wish to be for whatever reason. It's not petty as long as you're not doing it for petty reasons which it sounds like you're not.

Pregnancy often brings with it so many unpleasant changes to a woman's life that I just think trying to burden her even further with something she isn't completely comfortable with just isn't on. Your partner should respect the sacrifices you have to make through being pregnant and look to support you however they can. If this means on the odd occasion staying sober so you aren't the only sober one and therefore have a better time then that seems like a relatively small sacrifice to make in comparison.

SilverBirchTree · 01/04/2018 12:10

YANBU

It’s no fun to be stuck waiting for drunk people to finish up talking bulls**t and acting dumb when you’re pregnant and exhausted and just want to be home.

I’m all for DHs showing their pregnant wives support in whatever way she feels relevant. Good on your DH for being with you on this.

And yes to the lie in deal. Inspired.

Sirzy · 01/04/2018 12:10

Oh yes driver says when they leave (unless being really daft about it of course) that is a bonus of being driver!

TroysMammy · 01/04/2018 12:11

As long as you are not expected to go out late at night to pick them up I don't see the problem.

I don't drink alcohol and used to tell my then husband "if you ring before midnight I'll come and get you". He would ring at 11.59pm and many a time I would be doing pick ups in my pj's and a coat. He's an ex of many years now and I'm not so soft.

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 12:15

What happens when OP's lie in exchanges run out?

She should get lie ins as a matter of courses, not as favours exchanged.

Chattycat78 · 01/04/2018 12:15

Yes I remember those days. It sucks watching everyone get wasted while you sit there with your lime and soda!

I hate to break it to you but it won’t be that different once you’ve had the baby either- not if you’re breastfeeding anyway as you can’t drink that much when you’re feeding.

Original poster
BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 01/04/2018 12:16

If you don’t want to watch everybody else have fun whilst you nurse a limes &soda, how about you drop DH off and go home, he can call you when he’s ready for you to pick him up.

Because these are meetups with family and friends and despite being exhausted I feel I should make the effort and go.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 01/04/2018 12:20

If you’re exhausted then i vote for leaving early in addition to not always driving.

When I was pregnant I’d tell DH that I could come with him to things for X amount
Of time (usually 2 hours) or he could go alone and I would curl up with Netflix like a boss.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2018 12:20

It's not really about drinking OP, it's about not always being expected to drive. You are NOT being unreasonable.

The expectation isn't polite and people should be more considerate. Why should you have to act as a 'taxi' ALL the time? People can make their own way sometimes, not expect you to do it all. Driving might be ok now but as your pregnancy progresses, it's not always comfortable behind the wheel.

People telling you that you're unreasonable have issues with their own drinking possibly?

TheBrilliantMistake · 01/04/2018 12:21

Driving can be tiring, especially if it's over a fair distance, but even short journeys can affect you. Given that you're pregnant, I think it's just an assumption that since you're not drinking it's easiest if you drive.

It won't do any harm to remind him that it can be tiring and whilst you do mind doing it now and then, you can't do it every time.

Not worth getting into any argument over, or getting upset etc, and hopefully he'll totally understand and be sorry he's been a bit thoughtless.

Also mention that the 'experience' isn't great when you can't have a drink too, which isn't moaning, it's just the reality.

Good luck!

PuppyMonkey · 01/04/2018 12:23

Meh - you shouldn’t feel you have to make any effort to go out see family imho. Let them come to see you, DH hosts and then he can drink too. Problem solved.

MacaroniPenguin · 01/04/2018 12:23

Pregnancy takes people different ways, but if you are exhausted I think that would be an excellent reason not to hang around for hours waiting to chaffeur him home.

Driving tired is really bloody dangerous. I know it's difficult to avoid when you are permanently exhausted, but avoiding unnecessary driving just seems sensible to me.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 12:24

All these people talking about payback, or tallying up, or exchanging, good grief, do you keep lists of who does what for whom???

OP, if you always shared the driving, there's no reason to stop now. If you are going to do all the driving, it's not unreasonable to go home when you want to.

I'm always the designated driver because I don't drink, but we go home when I've had enough, and not when the drinking folk are all drunk out.

userabcname · 01/04/2018 12:26

Yanbu. I didn't mind being designated driver for a while but towards the end of pregnancy I was exhausted and achey so told DH he was more than welcome to continue going out and enjoying a few drinks but he could make his own way there and back. He was fine with it.

PinguForPresident · 01/04/2018 12:29

Its a bit miserable to insist your partner can't drink on an occasion just because you can't.

If you're tired and not feeling like driving, maybe get a cab.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 12:34

Its a bit miserable to insist your partner can't drink on an occasion just because you can't.

Except that's not what she's doing. She's saying she doesn't want to be the default designated driver.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2018 12:35

It's not so much the driving of OP's partner - it's the expectation of the rest of them (in the OP) that the OP will drive them all because she's not drinking. That's not on.

Jaxhog · 01/04/2018 12:45

As long as he (they) ask, and you can say no, then it's fine. As soon as they assume you will be always driving, then it isn't fine.

Ilovecamping · 01/04/2018 12:49

I don’t drink and our arrangement is he drives there and I drive home, and when I’ve had enough we leave

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