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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pervy or have I misunderstood?

33 replies

NachosGrandes · 01/04/2018 00:01

in the vein of angsty dating posts appearing thought I would ask one of my own Blush

Chatting to a guy off POF and comparing what we did after uni

Him: I taught in a Spanish uni as a sports coach - I was only 22 and they were 18+. Would often go out with my students and even became romantically involved with a couple Blush
Me: ha really? Did you not feel like the creepy teacher
Him: no not really, we were all similar ages and it was good for my language skills! Was weird seeing the girls in my classes though
Me: yeah just a bit! I can imagine
Him: it was only two I hasten to add.
Me: yolo I guess! I was a lot more well behaved! No couples high jinks for me

Since realised he was referring to two students not threesomes. Quite embarrassed! Can I style it out.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 01/04/2018 00:13

Yuk.

Original poster
NachosGrandes · 01/04/2018 00:16

It is a bit isn’t it

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 01/04/2018 00:19

Grim. You shouldn't be the one to 'style it out'...

teaandtoast · 01/04/2018 00:21

I don't think what you said unequivocally pointed towards a threesome - at least it didn't for me. 😂 So, yeah, just carry on as if you didn't say anything weird, if you still want to, of course.

Firstimefreaked · 01/04/2018 00:24

I'm currently living in Spain and having relationships with a student is considered unprofessional, I know of a teacher who has done this and is not having their contract renewed this year. I'm not saying he is a bad guy but it is not a normal practice.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/04/2018 00:25

Why is he happily telling you about having relationships with his students when he was coaching them? I don't think you should be worried about your possible misunderstanding, in that conversation.

Original poster
NachosGrandes · 01/04/2018 00:28

Is it not a bit creepy? It was actually in Latin America but it’s nade me feel weird, the way he’s so open about discussing

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 01/04/2018 00:28

I don't think there's anything in either of your messages that suggests a threesome, so you're off the hook there.

However, you are contemplating being with someone who is happy to blur the boundaries?

I have a 16 yr old, and find his casual referencing uncomfortable.

Original poster
NachosGrandes · 01/04/2018 00:30

I feel odd him talking about it this early on too. Just seems unnecessarily pervy

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 01/04/2018 00:31

It’s weird the way he’s talking about it.

Would often go out with my students and even became romantically sounds creepy, like there was more than 2 and that he’s proud of it rather than it’s a sheepish admission.

GnotherGnu · 01/04/2018 00:31

When I was at university at least three of my year had affairs with tutors and lecturers. One got married but was subsequently divorced very acrimoniously. With hindsight the whole thing was really quite depressing: the students concerned were clearly slightly dazzled by older men they saw as quite glamorous, whereas the reality is that the men concerned were really quite sad types who couldn't attract women their own age.

Puffycat · 01/04/2018 00:33

Go with your gut

Lonelystarbuckslover · 01/04/2018 00:34

Men seem to be keen to promote their sexual stock. No idea why.

On the upside, he's telling you who he is (a creep) and thinks he is telling you he is a stud. Grim

MeltSnow · 01/04/2018 00:36

It was at a university and he said the students were 18 plus and similar ages to home so not creepy as such. It’s not the same as at a school however I just think it’s a weird thing to brag about.

Sparkles1992 · 01/04/2018 00:38

I just don't understand why he would be discussing it with you Hmm I would probably leave it there but little things do put me off a person in the early stages

LemonysSnicket · 01/04/2018 00:38

They’re the same age so don’t really see the issue ... it’s uni not high school

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/04/2018 00:38

It is creepy because of the imbalance of power in the situation where one person is teaching another. It places the student and the other students in the class in a situation that they shouldn't be in. Which he's either unaware of, or he actively wants. Neither of which is great.

Eveforever · 01/04/2018 00:43

I don't think it's that bad, they were close in age and consenting adults and all that. He's probably trying to make himself sound irresistible to women, if only he knew he's making himself sound like a pervert to you. Nothing to style out at your end.

MeltSnow · 01/04/2018 00:44

He was a sports coach so hardly a position of ‘power’. It be different if he were a Doctor or Councillor or something or if he was working with vulnerable adults.

I wouldn’t like the fact he was bragging about it but I think two similarly aged adults dating each other isn’t creepy even if one was the other ones sports coach.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/04/2018 00:47

It’s also a bit like he was really showing off and then after your responses he backtracked.

A bit like someone say “oh I used to go skiing in Val d’isère all the time”, then someone say that they find it a bit shit there or it’s sounds pretentious etc so they say.

“Oh, it was only twice...”

I mean it probably was that he dated 2 girls but he was bugging up that it could have been more to start which to him was impressive which would have me question his judgement although I don’t have an issue with the coach to student bit, more his embellishment and what he thinks is a good thing.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/04/2018 00:50

I didn't say he was in a position of power. Just that there is an imbalance of power. Obviously I'm out of step with the majority who don't mind this kind of behaviour, but it would be a definite no from me. Bragging about how many students he went out with is not attractive to me.

Firstimefreaked · 01/04/2018 01:01

If his messages make you feel uncomfortable or odd then maybe cool your heels a bit and place your attention elsewhere, you can always casually chat more at later date. If he runs off with someone else then it want meant to be.

Firstimefreaked · 01/04/2018 01:03

It does sound like he might be trying to show off and just ended up being awkward.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 01/04/2018 01:08

Actually, I think there IS a big difference between 18 and 22. And I say this as someone with a 14 year age gap between myself and DH. 4 years at 18 is just under a quarter of your life.
And when one a student and the other in authority, the difference is even wider.
I think this equals an abuse of power/position

Finderscrispy · 01/04/2018 01:10

It sounds like he’s viewed the over seas teaching work as an experience - gap yah ! More so than a career move, so the boundaries of professional behaviour have become a little blurred to him. I guess they where all similar in ages, I don’t think it’s that bad .