How would this behaviour from an old friend make you feel?(maybe more a WWYD)

[SherryBaby11]

I've been friends with this person (C) since we were young teens and we're both in our thirties.

He's not a very sociable person. Doesn't go out/do much outside of work. We meet up once a year but speak at least once a week via text or call and have done for many years since I moved away. I've since moved back to live nearer to him.

Anyway yesterday I had a different friend visiting and we planned to go out for a pub dinner, have a couple of drinks/game of pool OR just stay in and play games and I'd cook, basically planned a bit of an evening.

My partner (whom I live with) usually works Friday nights so we decided to do something. I told C about it and invited him, my exact words were 'do you fancy hanging out with us tonight not sure what we're doing though?' and he said yes to which I was surprised as he doesn't usually want to go out and do things but I was pleased.

I picked him up, and me and my other friends were just sort of deciding what our plan for the evening was.

Anyway, he did advise me he'd been drinking , and I know he likes a drink, wasn't too bothered about that. It was more that when he'd been at our house half an hour or so he did the following;

-said 'Are we going out I'm bored' to which I said yes we'll go out if you like, what does everyone else want to do and then we decided to go out and I went to get ready, he then said 'cant go out I've not got any money'. I offered to lend him some but said if you'd rather stay in that's fine? He said if we went out he'd go home. Then changed his mind again said he'd borrow some £ and we'd go out.
-when we got to the pub, he said it was boring can we go somewhere else. I said yes, but we've ordered food so not yet. We ate and got a taxi somewhere else had a few games of pool

-kept saying people were looking at him and it was because he stands out and saying loudly to them to 'eff' off (he's a nondescript looking person and I am sure they weren't)!

-Played pool with my partner and repeatedly said how men were better and was quite aggressive about it, hard to explain just making subtle jibes and saying 'yeh I'll effing beat you' sort of thing.

• we then went somewhere else and again kept saying he was bored-he said he was bored in each place several times! We were all just chilled, having a couple of drinks, admittedly not a wild night of partying but I didn't say we would, I just invited him to come and join us for the eve.

His demeanour was just aggressive all night. He then had a go at my partner and said he could 'Take Sherry off you anytime you know that' (VERY untrue btw) and she was getting quite annoyed at this point and said she had totally changed her opinion of C who she had previously quite liked. He was aggressive with the taxi driver on the way home, and when we got back we played a card game and he repeatedly said how competitive he was and how he'd definitely win...he was just very unpleasant. He stayed over last night, and both yesterday and today he's told me my laptop is 'shit' and I need to get a new one, our TV is shit,my 'phone is 'shit' too and I am such a calm, rational person but I was thinking these things our adequate for our needs, I'm not much into TV or technology and have no desire to have top of the range stuff.

I value friendship a lot, and my other friend is fine and wasn't bothered by him, my partner is a little miffed but okay no real harm done. I guess I am just disappointed, with what should have been a nice evening.
However, C is naturally very shy and I am wondering if 'dutch courage' got the better of him. We all had a few drinks last night but none of us were anything more than somewhere between sober and tipsy. I am not sure whether to forgive and move on or say something to C.

I'm not convinced it's anything to do with drugs or mental health issues.
My first thought was that he obviously has feelings for you and is jealous of the life you've built with your partner. The comments about how he could "take you away" from her if he wanted and that the Dog "needs a male role model" are extremely transparent! It would explain why he was angry all night although none of you were anything but kind and tolerant. It would also explain why he felt the need to trash your friends, your possessions, your local pub even- you and your DP have a lovely shared home and life together and he can't stand it.

moo I really don't want to think you're right (about why he said about the £20 note) obviously, who would... But it is such a 'slap in the face' thing to say isn't it, not something you'd say if you had any consideration for other people's feelings (especially those who've been kind and accommodating)!

We tend to be quite content and 'happy go lucky' but we both work hard and haven't had perfect lives by any stretch.Maybe he is envious that he isn't content with his life (although he has a decent job/house and nothing is particularly wrong with his life on the surface).

Regarding the 'lame duck' thing I have most definitely done that sort of thing in the past! I tend to avoid getting close to new people now because I seem to attract them! But with him, I've known him that long I hadnt' thought of that.

Contessa yes we are. And that seems to be a common theme with people (albeit usually with people we're just newly acquainted with/work colleages and the like). I've experienced it with previous partners too. It's as if lesbian relationships are somewhat 'invalid' to some people, not quite real, don't matter.

The mysogninyic comments he came out with suggest its going on here. Ugh. Ah well. I'll call him out (although I may wait to see if he says anything else) and next time we plan any sort of social gathering we'll give him a miss!

I reckon its one of two things - or possibly a combination of both. He fancies you and is jealous of your relationship with your partner or he was on something.

Either way he was thoroughly unpleasant and needs to be called out on that sort of behaviour.

Honestly I think it sounds like he is suffering from depression and anxiety filled agoraphobia.

The depression making him mournful, grumpy and just generally not himself and the anxiety maybe with a mixture of agoraphobia could be the reason for wanting to keep moving pubs, being rude without meaning too, just generally not coping well with being around people outside of his home.

Obviously some people can suffer all those things and still function reasonably well but it really kno is some people sideways.

Of course it might not be that at all and he might just be grumpy and bad tempered.

I hope whatever reason it is he and you manage to resolve it all.

• it can really knock some people

my phone hates me.

I will call him out on it. That's interesting Foxy, he did seem very on edge. Maybe as someone said above, we're just not compatible as friends nowadays. As I've said, we meet up as part of a group around xmas but that's it. Since I moved back we have had him visit us a few times but not actually gone out.

Sorry Minister missed your post. Makes sense I guess? Although we're not like, extremely successful or anything we're just 'normal'? And I don't understand that mentality. I think if it was the other way around I'd be quite grateful and happy to be out seeing friends, no matter where I was? I have two sociology degrees and still don't understand some people it seems !

I would agree that it sounds like he has some mental health issues. Sad but you can't help him unless he admits to himself he has a problem. The best advice you could take is those who said you should call him out on his behaviour and see what his reaction is. Even if he denies he has done anything wrong leave him to think it through and don't contact him again unless he apologises or admits to having a problem.

I had a friend do similar, he then raved to work colleagues what an amazing night it was 'so off his face he had a go at bouncers/stole drink' or 'yeah it was a bit shit, I'm used to X place' that he had never been to. As a boast about how amazing his nights usually are although he only went out twice a year (My birthday and his)

What was sad was, his work colleagues knew he didn't go out, lacked a social life and wasn't likely to be 'off his face. He was so convinced he was fooling them but all it did was ruin the few nights out he had.

He concocted stories and started pretending to be really drunk on nights out, pretending to show signs of doing coke and claiming a horrendous hangover. I ended up distancing myself as his stories became wilder, he used to see me post on social media and then act like he was there too or told stories days later 'what are you like? You were so drunk on X night you did Y' erm no I didn't and you weren't there.

Be careful with this friend, if he's like mine it will snowball.

wine we have had that sort of behaviour from my 19 year old stepson who has additional needs, which I sort of expect. I can't comprehend a grown adult with no SEN behaving that way at all but I guess they do! And yes they're fooling nobody are they. It seems very naïve behaviour actually.

I am definitely going to say something to him, I am waiting until he contacts me (I am sure he will do). I think today he's probably just got back to work (likely still hungover) and gone to bed. But he has contacted me mid-week every week for the last who knows how long. If he hasn't by tomorrow I will send him a message saying I am pretty perturbed by how he acted. And see what he says.

Any update sherry

It is always difficult when you keep on being a friend to a person who has stopped being a friend to you.
I suggest you stop.

It sounds as if your relationship is an affront to him.

My take on his anger and all the attitude he showed is that he is a single man very angry that he is not in a relationship, and you are a woman he has a little contact with who in his view is being wasted in a relationship with another woman.

I would honestly text him back to say, 'The taxi wasn't the half of it mate.'

Then I would never have anything to do with him again.
He could have got you all hurt with his aggressive displays.

I wouldn't wait. Waiting makes you look as if you are available to receive anything he chooses to sum on you.

Take the initiative here. Sow him you are not to be taken for granted.

I don’t think I would be bothering with this person any more. He was horrible, negative and petulant, and had you all running around after him.

*Show him...

You and your friends are very tolerant. I don't think I could have put up with that all night. Definitely sounds like he has a problem with your relationship. Any signs before that he fancied you?

Mathanxiety text above is great. Shows you are not willing to be taken the piss out of and leaves it open for him to offer an explanation/apology

Sorry has taken unreasonably long to get back to the thread! I have just started a new job and life got very hectic.

Well I spoke to him and told him waht he was like, how he slated our home, the places we went, and how we all wanted his company and him repeatedly saying he was bored is as if he's saying ours isn't good enough for him. He says he didn't remember any of it. I also told him what he'd said to DP, and how he kept implying aggression.

He's returned the money, and sent us all apologies. We had a very adult, calm chat and I said I would want to know, if my behaviour was affecting others in such a way, but I am still his friend and told him in order to help rather than have a go at him.

He said he's recently gone on some medication for anxiety and maybe this was part of it, I said yes, maybe-he also said he didn't remember any of it.

This was last weekend and I accpeted his apology and said I had known him a long time, we all make mistakes and if he is aware maybe he can take measures to make sure it doesnt happen again and he agreed. All fine.

THEN, later on (early hours of the morning) he replied saying why didn't people tell him to calm down, were we all making fun behind his back, he doesn't feel so bad any more. (We most definitely were NOT making fun behind his back).

We did several times, albeit a bit awkwardly, ask him to calm down, but we were also trying to have a nice evening and relax and he was making that quite difficult. I've left it now. Stuff him. Thanks again for all the responses, some theories have been interesting, I would never have imagined he was angry about our relationship.

If he's in anti anxiety drugs he could well be crap at sleeping and come early morning have X Y and Z swirling through his head, irrational thoughts or not. The early morning texts sound like he has a bit of paranoia on reflection of what has happened.
Sorry to hear he was out of character. I hope you two can resolve things.

Your friend sounds paranoid and the lack of memories of any of his behaviour makes me wonder if he really is doing drugs. I would guess meth (given the aggression, paranoia and memory loss).

I would drop him, quite honestly.

He might have social anxiety or be on something.

I'd not talk to him after this to be honest. Half of this would be final straw.

Whatever person he used to be, he's not anymore.

I haven't spoken to him since he became defensive.

You may be right about the drugs, but then, drink can cause memory loss too can't it?

Thanks for replies :)

Should he have been mixing alcohol with his medications?

You would have to have been paralytic to have no memory of an evening with friends. If you didn't think he was dead drink when he first arrived for the evening and didn't seem that way when it ended then I would rule out drink.

Yes, true. He seemed a bit affected but wasn't paralytic at all, even at the end of the night. Just very off with us all.