How would this behaviour from an old friend make you feel?(maybe more a WWYD)

[SherryBaby11]

I've been friends with this person (C) since we were young teens and we're both in our thirties.

He's not a very sociable person. Doesn't go out/do much outside of work. We meet up once a year but speak at least once a week via text or call and have done for many years since I moved away. I've since moved back to live nearer to him.

Anyway yesterday I had a different friend visiting and we planned to go out for a pub dinner, have a couple of drinks/game of pool OR just stay in and play games and I'd cook, basically planned a bit of an evening.

My partner (whom I live with) usually works Friday nights so we decided to do something. I told C about it and invited him, my exact words were 'do you fancy hanging out with us tonight not sure what we're doing though?' and he said yes to which I was surprised as he doesn't usually want to go out and do things but I was pleased.

I picked him up, and me and my other friends were just sort of deciding what our plan for the evening was.

Anyway, he did advise me he'd been drinking , and I know he likes a drink, wasn't too bothered about that. It was more that when he'd been at our house half an hour or so he did the following;

-said 'Are we going out I'm bored' to which I said yes we'll go out if you like, what does everyone else want to do and then we decided to go out and I went to get ready, he then said 'cant go out I've not got any money'. I offered to lend him some but said if you'd rather stay in that's fine? He said if we went out he'd go home. Then changed his mind again said he'd borrow some £ and we'd go out.
-when we got to the pub, he said it was boring can we go somewhere else. I said yes, but we've ordered food so not yet. We ate and got a taxi somewhere else had a few games of pool

-kept saying people were looking at him and it was because he stands out and saying loudly to them to 'eff' off (he's a nondescript looking person and I am sure they weren't)!

-Played pool with my partner and repeatedly said how men were better and was quite aggressive about it, hard to explain just making subtle jibes and saying 'yeh I'll effing beat you' sort of thing.

• we then went somewhere else and again kept saying he was bored-he said he was bored in each place several times! We were all just chilled, having a couple of drinks, admittedly not a wild night of partying but I didn't say we would, I just invited him to come and join us for the eve.

His demeanour was just aggressive all night. He then had a go at my partner and said he could 'Take Sherry off you anytime you know that' (VERY untrue btw) and she was getting quite annoyed at this point and said she had totally changed her opinion of C who she had previously quite liked. He was aggressive with the taxi driver on the way home, and when we got back we played a card game and he repeatedly said how competitive he was and how he'd definitely win...he was just very unpleasant. He stayed over last night, and both yesterday and today he's told me my laptop is 'shit' and I need to get a new one, our TV is shit,my 'phone is 'shit' too and I am such a calm, rational person but I was thinking these things our adequate for our needs, I'm not much into TV or technology and have no desire to have top of the range stuff.

I value friendship a lot, and my other friend is fine and wasn't bothered by him, my partner is a little miffed but okay no real harm done. I guess I am just disappointed, with what should have been a nice evening.
However, C is naturally very shy and I am wondering if 'dutch courage' got the better of him. We all had a few drinks last night but none of us were anything more than somewhere between sober and tipsy. I am not sure whether to forgive and move on or say something to C.

Thank you for the responses, I know it's a trivial issue compared to some but I am quite upset about it given I don't have many people I would class as close friends and I did with C. It was a bit of a shock to me and my partner who's known him (through me) for a while now.

We've had him round for dinner a couple of times and he's always been fine.

Last night he sent me a text message which , I dont know I got the feeling he was still under the influence. He said 'Sorry if I was being a dick , I kicked off with the taxi driver! You can tell I don't get out much'.

I am a bit annoyed about the taxi behaviour but It's not the half of it. I was mainly annoyed about him keeping saying he was bored. We're not the most exciting people but we all had a nice eve despite him and none of us were bored. I don't get out much either, but I found that very rude. My DP is a bit more forthright than me and did once say to him 'Well I am sorry if we're boring you C' and then he backtracked a little.

And him slating my belongings.. I wouldnt ever go to someone's house and do that, no matter what it was like. If my things aren't good enough for you bugger off, is perhaps what I should have said.

To people who've said maybe on something other than drink, yes you might be right.I am naive when it comes to drugs admittedly. I wonder now-however a few months ago it did come up in one of our conversations and he said he used to do all sorts but doesnt now.

He did seem very angry all night quiet as if he sort of wanted some sort of drama. We're just not like that and neither is my other friend who was out with us. Kipperbang he's not ever expressed anything like that to me, but who knows!

The chauvanistic comments annoyed me, I've actually remembered something else he said, we have a dog and he said she came to him because she needs a male role model! I did say to him at the time, 'er no she's just a dog who loves attention off absolutely anyone who will give it to her', but he argued back and I dropped it.

We meet once a year around xmas with other people who met at school, and he has never been anything but pleasant.

elder you may be right, as others who've said MH issues etc or drink issues. I like a drink myself but not to the point my personality changes.

Thanks for sharing that experience moopied It's sad really isn't it. Some people are just out to use.

kent I moved back due to wanting to be nearer to family, I probably worded that incorrectly, not 'because' of him.

Okay I've not replied to his text yet and I think I will wait and see if he contacts me again when I know he'll be sober, like Tuesday when he'll be back at work.

I am sad to lose a friend but I definitely will not be inviting him to socialise with us again.

Take care of yourself OP, people like this can really drain you and take up quite a bit of head space. I’d put your guard up a bit and tbh I’d distance myself from him.

I wouldn’t rule out coke, and that never ends well. People I’ve known on it are right knobs.

Hi OP
Has he got some mental health problems?or has he in the past,or present taken drugs?your 'friend'sounds
As if he may suffer from paranoia.
With that,his mood swings,irritability, jealousy,appears as though he may not be quite well?
Or is he a deeply unpleasant person on occasion?

I would be seething. How embarrassing? He seems very immature. All that 'I want to go out, I don't want to go out' 'I'm bored'. Do you think he was showing out? Making himself the centre of the group? Was he moaning about being bored to mask that he felt inadequate in the group and he was pretending his Saturday nights were usually more exciting.

The aggression sounds like drink - my years have taught me, not everyone is fun when tipsy. This is a deeply unpleasant trait and not sure what you'd do about this one.

I would call him out on it, say you were disappointed and embarssed. Do not let him get away with it. He really needs to address his behaviour, even if you don't invite him out again (and I wouldn't) mouthing off and swearing at strangers in pubs and taxi drivers could get himself seriously injured.

He'd be my ex-friend after pulling all that crap, and in such a short space of time too.

If it was due to drugs, then there's no way on earth I'd want anything to do with him for that reason alone. If there weren't any drugs, then he's a natural dickhead and this won't be a one off. Either way, life's too short to waste on people like that.

Really does sound like a coke reaction instead of just drink. With behaviour like that I would call it out, he was an incredible dickhead and I would've been so embarrassed...

He has no mental health issues that I am aware of BUT, I work in mental health and the fact he does nothng other than work and sit in his house of a weekend, has been a subject of some of our conversations, not recently but I have had a bit of a concern about him. He's mentioned feeling down in the past.

So maybe,although he's always said he's okay.

Not something I know. But that night I did feel like he was acting anything other than normal.

It was a bit embarrassing yes, especially when he was swearing loudly, don't get me wrong I swear and don't clutch my pearls when others do but directing it at people who haven't done anything wrong is odd!

Our other friend who visited lives quite a way away, had made an effort to see us. However luckily he's also very laid back and sensible and as long as he's with friends (ie me and DP ) doesn't mind where he is, what he's doing, I apologised about C's behaviour and he said 'Oh don't worry, I just had a good time and ignored him'.

KC I was seething. I know something wasn't right. It was like having a child out with us (as PPs have said). Regarding his nights usually being more exciting, he does absolutely nothing, I see him at xmas when me and our old friendship group meet, but aside from that when he isnt working he's at home. My DP said 'What did he expect, us to go to a rave or something?' :)

I am going to back off from him as a friend, but I am sad about it. Thanks all.

I have had another message this evening from him saying he's found £20 in his wallet, 'Didn't even spend it! That first pub was a bit stuffy wasn't it?'
I had lent him £40. DP says he didn't buy a drink all night hence managing to not spend much money. The pub he's referring to is our local, a really lovely, quaint traditional pub that does very nice food for reasonable prices, dates back centuries. I feel quite defensive of it!

We're being a bit more lighthearted about it now. But I'm a little more annoyed knowing we leant him money being kind, and he didn't buy his share. I will make sure I get it back!

He sounds like a prick. What a boring, whiny child!

You see him so rarely, you can downgrade your friendship to text only and keep in touch if you really don't want to lose the friendship.

Goodness..I can't believe how familiar this is! My oldest friend who I've known many years, started behaving like this a few years ago. And I was never sure if it was MH, drugs, drink..or a combination! She could be lovely and kind & fun, but she started behaving more and more odd. We would meet and she would be nice & normal, and barely an hour later, after a few over eager drinks, she would just change. She would speak loudly and abruptly make negative comments about me and my husband, the food we'd have served, the place we were in...in fact anything & everything. Her behaviour could be so horrendous, it drove a huge distance between us. I felt on tenderhooks whenever we arranged anything, so I just stopped trying. They probably do have some underlying issue, of what I have no idea, and drink really seems to have an adverse affect. I'm sorry, it's not an easy situation to be in.

He behaved badly on the night and he is still dragging his arse on the floor. What is his problem? I am assuming he knows that 'stuffy (sounds fab to me) pub' is your local. He must know why he has money in his wallet if he didn't buy any drinks. Was he jealous you were meeting up with the friends?

'We are very fond of our local, its not stuffy at all but given your behaviour on Saturday night maybe your are not mature enough to drink in it. And the reason you still have £20.00 in your wallet - you didn't buy ANY rounds with the money we lent you.

Angry, rude and agitated? Not completely normal behaviour is it and I take it out of character? If you speak/text once a week you must know whether he has displayed any of this stuff in the past.

The first thing that I thought of is drugs or mental health (or both). It's not normal to be bored everywhere unless you're about 13.

Next time you speak I would just comment that he seemed out of sorts when you went out and ask if anything was wrong. Have an example ready of the things he was saying. It should be apparent that he may have spoilt the evening somewhat, an apology wouldn't go amiss. It's a shame if he does have some sort of problem and needs help but he shouldn't be spoiling the time of friends who have asked him out for a nice evening without being asked about it.

My first thought was that your friend was unwell but I really don’t know and I expect it’s difficult to tell why his behaviour was so different to that which you normally expect.

I used to do shit like this. I had an alcohol problem and was massively depressed and felt inadequate and that no one liked me. It made me lash out inappropriately.

If you think this could be the case with your friend please give him a chance. Talk to him gently but honestly and help him see he has a problem. If you just cut contact he won't get better because he probably doesn't realise yet that he has a problem.

limon you make a good point. While he was saying he was bored, we were out for a fun, nice relaxed evening. I am going to say something to him, I want to make sure he's sobered up when I say it though.

mumto2 that does sound very similar although C turned up drunk I think, I dont' mean he was falling over etc but he definitely seemed affected and got worse over time, or maybe not just wasn't great all night. It sounds horrible and it is sad when you've been friends for a while, that you have to cut it off or scale it down.

Thanks KC we do love our local. He definitely had some sort of problem though. And yes he definitely knew it was our local. I suspect he doesn't remember about anything to do with what he spent though!

Yes it was out of character although has others have pointed out, we meet once a year normally. Perhaps when we do, he's in his comfort zone, local to him, wth people he knows... But then he knows me and DP well, didn't know my other friend fair enough but still..

zin Genuinely, if you think that could be the case, when you were in that phase what would have been a helpful thing to say, or a good way to tell you? Also would you mind explaining what made you 'lash out'?

I can't explain. I don't know. I think it was fuelled by insecurity but I don't really know.

For me, my brother took me aside and said "you get really angry when you drink and you drink a lot. I think you could use some counselling."

Because he was kind about it I listened and got counselling. If he had got angry I wouldn't have.

Wow. Your partner and friend were incredibly tolerant. He did his best to ruin your night and you let him walk all over you.

You need to pull him up and respond to the text. He could have started a fight
Was this just one off weird behaviour or has he done this before?

I'd say something like " Actually
You were really aggressive all night and very rude to me. Whats going on? Dont think i'll be doing that again in a hurry and sorry my TV etc were all so shit but at least you didn't have to buy a drink, eh?"

He sounds awful.

Sometimes I wasn't sure if she'd already had a couple before getting there, or whether she was just in a really good mood, almost agitatedly high, kind of good mood! A few people have suggested the possibility of being bi-polar, and I do think that's a distinct possibility. When she is on a high, she is super happy, but can knock back drinks with gusto, and literally morphs into someone horrible. Takes advantage of generosity, such as loudly ordering champagne and leaving us with the bill. Or the time I arranged to meet her in the city, 1.5 hours commute to get there. Texts me drunkenly to say she is not where we agreed. Had to get an expensive half hour black taxi ride to get there. Then when I arrived she declared the place we were in was crap, let's go somewhere else. Got another expensive cab ride back towards where I'd just come from, then ordered champagne & food..and buggered off home saying she felt ill, 5 minutes after it arrived! I was just horrified, she was like a train wreck. And there is never any acknowledgment the day after, no apology, no sense of how badly she's behaved. Just trite jokes like the ones you have mentioned with your friend. It is awful, and it's hard to let go of friendships we feel were important, but it's not nice to deal with behaviour like that. And when people don't open up to explain, it just ends up pushing you away.

Ummm.... It sounds like you are a very forgiving and kind person, but seriously, this bloke (who I also thought sounded coked up) is horrible. It sounds like he doesn't even like you. He is no friend. Get your money back (if you can...) or just cut your losses, but I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

And maybe he does have MH issues, diagnosed or not. It doesn't oblige you to have horrible evenings with people who take your money, insult you and your home and are obnoxious to your partner.

zin thank you for responding, I appreciate it. I have no qualms about people who drink, or even drink quite a bit, but if someone cannot do it without it effecting them in such a way that hurts others then thats completely different. I am not a reactive person so I wouldn't ever put it to him angrily, but I am trying to think of a way of saying something without being 'too kind'. Also I unfortunately don't think he would heed my advice. No reason just a feeling.

His emphasis on how people kept looking at him, he really doesn't stand out at all. I wonder if he likes to think he does.

bringback I was concernd at several points of the night that he would have started something, yes. He just had to direct his swearing toward the wrong person (or similar). Also the second pub we went in has many signs saying no swearing and the landlord has form for asking people to leave if they swear loudly at the bar. I dread to think what may have happened if the landlord had heard him.

He's never done it before to my knowledge. I am wondering if I should ask mutual friends or just mention we went out and see if anything emerges.

mumto2two that sounds horrible! How incredibly rude. I feel my experience with C is absolutely nothing in comparison! Yes, as others have said with MH issues , people can lose their friends easily and although I don't think MH issues gives people the right to treat others like dirt, it is not so cut and dry is it.

tangerine yes, I wouldn't ever treat a friend like that. For what its worth, our house is nothing special but nice, our TV is quite new and why what laptop I use has any bearing on anyone else is beyond me but even if I visited a friend who lived in an absolute shithole, I wouldnt say anything. It's none of my business and.. It's not how you treat friends is it. I appreciate everyone's replies and other's experiences are interesting. Sometimes you just don't know someone despite feeling very close to them I guess!

I actually think the self awareness just isn't there with C, looking at what he's said since, about the money and how he thought I'd be totally okay with him causing problems and behaving how he did. It's strange.
As I have said I definitely won't invite him to socialise with us if the opportunity arises again. But friendship is something I hold important, he doesn't have many friends and I do find it quite sad.

Wow, he really is a very unpleasant person !

I have a strong feeling he actually made up the “found a £20 note” to make you feel like shit - in a “you and your friends are so boring that I don’t need to even contribute financially to a night out”

I think he’s maybe targeted you because you come across as a decent, friendly person with a life and normal social skills.

He’s a jealous weirdo. I don’t even mean in a “sexually jealous” way, more in being pissed off that you’ve got a coherent life and friends and a positive attitude to things.

There may be MH issues, but that aside, he sounds like a nasty low-level bully. It’s no wonder no one else wants him out with them as I guarantee you’re not the only one he has done this to.

If you try to “help” him I reckon he’ll see this as a sign of weakness and be even more unpleasant.

It’s sad to drop someone you “thought” you were close to, but I think as time goes on you’ll feel relieved not to have him in your social life.

do you think you might be trying to put yourself in the role of “rescuer” for him? Which isn’t psychologically good for you

I used to socialise with fairly lame duck/difficult types (rather than, say, choosing people who were more “normal”)

looking back it was a “control” thing on my part - subconsciously I could look down on them and feel good about helping them (and avoid any of my own personal issues)

the reality was I was just avoiding challenging myself and my own insecurities.

He doesn’t seem to value you or your friendship and seems content sitting by himself being weird and hasn’t asked for help (I presume he’s never suggested going out himself?) so you can easily just leave him to it.

My goodness he was awful. There could be underlying issues. However I woukd not go out with him again.

Are you and your partner a gay couple op? I would wonder if part of the unpleasantness (only part of it, mind you) is that he views you as 'his' and resents your partner in a way that he wouldn't necessarily resent a man (or at least, wouldn't show it). He just sounds like he's negging on an epic scale. Maybe it's alcohol dependence, maybe it's drugs, who knows; either way I'd be maintaining more of a distance from now on.

Sounds like he was on cocaine.