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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is in the wrong?

57 replies

Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 13:17

My sister has recently returned to the UK after a few years travelling and is apparently skint - she reminds everyone when anyone suggests doing anything together.

She’s told me that she actually has several thousands in the bank but this money is put aside for her to go on her permanent residency visa she’s applying for. Other than that, she is temporary unemployed and no other money.

So she’s basically picking and choosing what to spend her money on and sponging off people when we go out for meals/drinks.

If no one offers to pay for her, she’ll say she won’t go (but is obviously manipulating); however, someone always says they’ll pay.

I am getting really annoyed by this...we all have something we would like to save for. Why should other people pay for her? AIBU?

OP posts:
museumum · 31/03/2018 13:20

Of course she can pick and choose what she spends her money on. Why should she be forced to spend her visa savings on drinks and meals with her family? If you don’t want to pay for her just let her not attend (she may not even want to anyway).

Allthewaves · 31/03/2018 13:20

People don't have to pay for her. If no one does pay then she will soon start stumping up

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 13:22

I don’t pay for her. Of course she can spend money on what she wants. My issue is that she is constantly reminding people she’s skint and hints that she’s like someone to pay for her.

OP posts:
IAmWonkoTheSane · 31/03/2018 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 31/03/2018 13:22

No one NEEDS to offer to pay for her, though

IAmWonkoTheSane · 31/03/2018 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sesimbra · 31/03/2018 13:24

YABU

It's none of your business if other people want to subsidise her.

Babyplaymat · 31/03/2018 13:24

Do the others involved know ?

Notevilstepmother · 31/03/2018 13:25

I think it’s not right of her to accept people paying for her when she can’t or won’t pay her turn.

However if people are allowing her to behave like this there isn’t much you can do. Perhaps she will let them all come and stay with her in future?

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 13:25

Nobody's making anyone pay for her. You're not paying for her. I can't see your issue. She's earmarked money for a specific purpose so technically she hasn't got any money for other things.

Wildlady · 31/03/2018 13:25

What is it today with people thinking they can tell people what to do with their belongings and money?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2018 13:28

Ooh! So, are most of you saying that if I have money and I want to save it for something, then I can just hint a lot and get other people to spend their hard earned money on me?

What a weird mindset - to do it as well as to think it is fine!

Camiila · 31/03/2018 13:31

People will pay for her if they want her company.

I pay for friends when they are skint, they pay for me when I am skint,

nobody else's business but ours.

Nothing to do with you - you sound very jealous. Maybe people want her company more than they want yours?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2018 13:32

Nobody's making anyone pay for her. You're not paying for her. I can't see your issue. She's earmarked money for a specific purpose so technically she hasn't got any money for other things. I think the point is the hinting, the mentionitis!

If OPs DSis was to say that she couldn't afford to because she had put all her money away for a visa, to suggest doing things that cost less money or simply bowed out of doing things that cost too much that would be fine. Then people could decide if they wanted to offer, based on real information.

But if OP is right, then her DSis is shading the truth and emotionally blackmailing family and friends into taking her out!

I can't see how that is right, at any time.

FetchezLaVache · 31/03/2018 13:32

YANBU - if I have correctly understood, you are the only person who knows that she has thousands stashed in the bank, so the people who are subbing her when you all go out are not making an enlightened decision on the basis of all the relevant information.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 13:40

My issue is that she’ll happily let people spend their own hard earned cash on numerous drinks and meals for her. Yeah, it’s their choice. They don’t have to pay.

An example - we needed to drive somewhere to other day but in her car. I offered petrol money. On another occasion, I drove, but no offer for petrol money back. She takes but doesn’t give back. Small amounts of money ok, but it’s the principle.

OP posts:
persypear · 31/03/2018 13:44

Yes I agree. I think the OP is saying that she isn't giving people the whole story. That she is implying that she has zero money at all, rather than having thousands in the bank that she prefers to save for something else. Quite a different story altogether.

I'd be really miffed. And it is very manipluative. Grr

persypear · 31/03/2018 13:45

!!! We'd all have thousands on the bank if we had her attitude and let others pay for treats for us!

daisypond · 31/03/2018 13:49

She's saving up for something important to her, more important than a night out. What happens if she chooses not to go out? What are these "hints" she's making that make you think she wants people to subsidise her? Or is she just saying she can't go out as she can't afford it?

Mightymucks · 31/03/2018 13:50

She is skint. She has a small amount of money put away for a specific purpose but no disposable cash. If people don’t want to pay for her drinks or meals or give her lifts they don’t have to. But she doesn’t have to give up her savings if they do.

She should look at getting a temp job maybe?

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 13:51

@camiila you say your friends pay for you when you’re skint so they return the favour. Not the same as this case then is it 🤔🤔🤔

She isn’t returning the favour.

You sound like a lovely person.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 31/03/2018 13:54

Has she not told the people who are stumping up the money for her that she has several thou in the bank?

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 13:55

Presumably she's saying "No, I can't do x because I can't afford it". If the other person offers to pay she goes. If they don't offer she doesn't go. I honestly can't see the problem. I'd offer and completely understand that she has earmarked money for something important and life changing so it's not for frittering away.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 13:55

She just says she is skint everytime anyone suggests doing anything but also agrees she can come. Not “no sorry, I’m skint so I can’t come”.

We don’t live in London for example where the cost of a meal can vary by a huge amount. The cost of the meal will be pretty much the same wherever we go. So it’s not like she’s just saying as long as it’s somewhere cheap.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 31/03/2018 13:59

I tell people I’m skint, I have a few k in the bank but that’s my savings and my emergency money. I save x amount each month and then I have a little bit left to spend, after that I’m skint (because I’m not going to touch my savings). If I can’t afford to go out I don’t go out, I wouldn’t expect friend to pay for me.

It’s up to her what she spends her money on, it sounds like the money she has is saved for her visa and I can understand why she wouldn’t want to use it so technically she is skint as she has no spare money to spend.

If your not happy about it then don’t give her anything, don’t buy her drinks or lunch. She’s not going to return the favour. She’s not forcing you to buy her lunch?

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