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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is in the wrong?

57 replies

Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 13:17

My sister has recently returned to the UK after a few years travelling and is apparently skint - she reminds everyone when anyone suggests doing anything together.

She’s told me that she actually has several thousands in the bank but this money is put aside for her to go on her permanent residency visa she’s applying for. Other than that, she is temporary unemployed and no other money.

So she’s basically picking and choosing what to spend her money on and sponging off people when we go out for meals/drinks.

If no one offers to pay for her, she’ll say she won’t go (but is obviously manipulating); however, someone always says they’ll pay.

I am getting really annoyed by this...we all have something we would like to save for. Why should other people pay for her? AIBU?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/03/2018 14:00

I’d find that really annoying OP, she’s being a freeloader. YANBU.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2018 14:00

She's saving up for something important to her, more important than a night out. What happens if she chooses not to go out? Except it sounds as though she doesn't choose to stay in, she chooses to drop hints about being skint and then allowing people to pay for her.

That isn't being honest. It is being a taker.

We all make life choices and they often impact our social lives. It is disingenuous, at the very best, not to accept the consequences of your own decisions. And it sounds as though OPs DSis is expecting her friends to share in her consequences.

All of which would be OK, if her friends were fully aware of what they were supporting. As it is she is being devious, selfish, dishonest with those closest to her!

Idontdowindows · 31/03/2018 14:01

Meh, she's not skint. She's being quite disingenuous about it all. If she were skint, she'd have no money.

Basically what she's doing is the same as if I'd say I was skint (because I want to spend my money on X and not on going out with friends).

I'd be a bit pissed off if I was her friend and found out. The least she can do is say "sorry, I'm saving up for X so I don't have any spare money to go out with". That's totally different from saying "I'm skint". Which she isn't.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2018 14:05

If I can’t afford to go out I don’t go out, I wouldn’t expect friend to pay for me. Whereas OPs DSis does

Everyone has, or should be trying to have, some money put aside. That is only sensible, if you can afford it. If you can't afford to save and go out with your mates then you have to make decisions.

Deciding to freeload is not something I think is acceptable.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/03/2018 14:07

Call her out on it. I don't tolerate freeloaders.

Rudgie47 · 31/03/2018 14:09

Well shes been a moocher and taking the piss.
Just dont pay for her at all and see her just at family things. What other people do with their money is upto them and is not your concern really.
I've had friends like this in the past and one even bought a second home outright in cash after years of scrounging off others.She made out like she was on the lowest benefits and dressed like a tramp whilst she was squirreling all her cash away.Never again, people pay their own way as far as I'm concerned now.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 14:12

I don’t think she would want to miss out so if someone didn’t offer to pay for her, she’d pay for herself out of her savings probably.

I agree with everyone that it’s her money to spend on what she likes but when she happily takes from people, it’s like saying what I’m saving for is more important than what you’re saving for.

How can anyone think that is acceptable?

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 31/03/2018 14:12

I don't think she is wrong. I think it's different attitudes to money. I have some savings in a separate bank account. I never carry that bank card with me. I never touch that money. If I had no money in my current account, I wouldn't go into my savings. Instead, I'd say sorry I can't afford x or y.
Presumably her friends do know she is saving for a visa but are still happy to sub her. That's their choice.
If she genuinely wouldn't go because she feels she can't afford it - that isn't manipulating. It's just prioritising differently. You've said you don't subsidise her so I don't understand why you're so upset.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 31/03/2018 14:15

Yes Jessica, I agree but the difference is that she’s prioritising while hinting for others to pay and getting free meals where she can.

OP posts:
Sesimbra · 31/03/2018 14:16

I think the answer to this is in the OPs first sentence. her DSIS has been away for a few years and has only recently returned.

Probably her friends and family are excited about seeing her and are happy to subsidise her. If I had a friend who was in this position and saving up for a visa, I would be happy to have dinner with the them and pay, knowing they would probably be off again soon.

You sound quite jealous really. Is she the Prodigal Sister?

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 31/03/2018 14:19

I can see why it irritates you tbh. It's all very well saying no one has to pay for her which is true but it starts off as a nice gesture because you want to treat the person and believe they can't afford it. Then gradually you start to notice that it's one way traffic and with my similar relatives at least, it starts to get a bit taken for granted.

After treating one particular relation to lunch and drinks a couple of times she apparently just assumed I would always pay. She'd suggest lunch and then sit there when the bill came and wouldn't even reach for her purse! Because I had paid at first I felt awkward saying anything because what if it was crossed wires and she genuinely didn't have enough? She tended to talk a lot about how hard up they were. I didn't wanted to embarrass her so I paid (more than once I'm embarrassed to admit).

I eventually toughened up the time she got up and went to the ladies when the bill was placed on the table, returned after I'd paid and said "thanks for that" and suggested we go to debenhams as she was thinking of treating herself to a UD palette Hmm.

persypear · 31/03/2018 14:23

I've been skint where there was a choice between food and bills and slightly less skint when bills were paid but anything else came out of the food bill.

Its really not right to imply you have no money when what you really mean is that you have no money left... after buying what you need and saving what you want. Most people take skint to mean not enough or barely enough for the essentials and its wrong to imply this if it isnt true.

Saving is undoubtedly a very very good idea, but it is a pie in the sky luxury to people who are truly skint.

Shelby2010 · 31/03/2018 14:24

There’s a big difference between saying ‘No I can’t do x because I’m saving for my visa.’ and ‘Yes, I’d love to do x, if only I wasn’t completely skint (sad face).’

I’m afraid I’d have to call her on it with a jokey sounding ‘Skint?! You’ve got more in the bank than I have!’ At least then everyone knows where they stand.

MsGameandWatching · 31/03/2018 14:28

You seem to think if you keep repeating over and over again what she's doing then people will get it and come round to your way of thinking. I think you sound resentful of her full stop tbh. You can't possibly know every conversation she had with people close to her, you can't know if she's paid her way with them in the past. Don't pay for her yourself and then MYOB. Resentful onlooking seething is never a good look.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2018 14:29

I'm not clear on whether or not she's honest about things. Does she just say "I'd really like to go but I'm skint", does she say "I'd love to go but I'm still saving for my visa so I'm skint", or is it 'common knowledge' that she's saving up so people just know why she hasn't any spare money?

I guess if I knew someone I cared about was saving up to emigrate and I felt they were trying to make a better life for themselves by doing so, it wouldn't bother me to pay for their drinks or meal (assuming I could reasonably afford it). But if someone simply kept saying "I'm skint" with no explanation or if I felt their plans were foolish or ill-thought-out I'd probably not want to bankroll their nights out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/03/2018 14:39

She's a cheeky fucker then, isn't she.
If she can't "afford" to eat out/go for drinks because she's hoarding her money for other reasons, then she shouldn't go out. She certainly shouldn't emotionally blackmail others into paying for her.

If she was upfront about it, it wouldn't be so bad and people would be able to decide in all honesty whether they wanted her company badly enough to sub her - but it's the pretence of being skint to get others to pay for her that would really piss me off.

Gemini69 · 31/03/2018 14:57

so she LIES to Family and Friends and guilt trips them into paying for her day to day living.... whilst having thousands in the Bank for her Visa app...

she sounds charming OP Flowers

AsAProfessionalPenis · 31/03/2018 15:01

She is being very unreasonable and not truthful
She is telling people she has no money when it's not true. If she told them she had money but needed to save it then fine if they still want to pay for her

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/03/2018 15:27

Maybe some people are paying for because they want to visit the new country after she's emigrated?

But if she's effectively lying to people, then it's a YANBU from me

And I thought camila's comment was unnecessarily nasty

RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 15:59

Do other people besides you actually know about her savings?
How long ago did she return and when is she planning on leaving again?
What kind of hints is she dropping?
Tbh skint or not, it's up to other people if they're happy to pay for her. Maybe her company is worth it.Grin

nellieellie · 31/03/2018 16:10

I think some of the post are a bit odd. If someone constantly says they are skint if the option of going out comes up, always scrounges off other people and never repays the favour, it IS annoying. We have all met people like this. No, of course no one forces anyone to pay, but if the general invite goes out and someone sits there and says “I can’t go because I don’t have any money”, there will generally be someone who offers - even if it annoys them. It’s quite difficult for some people NOT to offer. And the DS knows this and exploits it.

Eveforever · 31/03/2018 17:23

Choosing how to be spend your own money, completely reasonable. Manipulating people into spending money on you, especially when you have intentionally misled them about your financial situation, obviously not reasonable.

If people knew your sister was saving to go travelling some might still decide to treat her, but letting people think you have nothing in order to disingenuously scrounge off them, that's poor behaviour. I'd be livid if I found out somebody did this with me, because I also like to choose how to spend my money too.

OneStepSideways · 31/03/2018 17:44

She's being very cheeky! I had a friend who did this. She was saving everything for a course she wanted to go on, and told everyone she had no money! I bought numerous drinks, meals, helped her out with travel etc. I was really upset when she admitted all her spare money was going into her study fund. It felt like she was using everyone.

She needs to put aside some money for leisure stuff instead of sponging off friends and family!

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 18:20

Tell every family member she has thousands in the bank. Then it's up to them if they pay.

Match her actions - if she doesn't offer petrol money, you don't offer petrol money. If she never treats you, you never treat her.

Zeelove · 31/03/2018 18:29

As long as she isn't taking your money, I can't see why there is an issue. She's saving for a better life I presume and family are helping her to not feel left out.