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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dd contact interrupted again !

40 replies

Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 09:49

Dd goes to her dads Saturday 6pm til Monday morning. Was supposed to be til 6 but from the word go didn't want her after school and so far every holiday that has fell on a Monday she has been back before midday as something has always "come up". In the last 10 months Dd hasn't gone over twice at all because he's gone away and at least 3 times not gone on a Saturday night because of one reason or another. Parties, needing to go somewhere etc. I'm starting to get really annoyed as Dd didn't even want to go two days in a row anyway and now she's sat wondering week to week whether she's going one night or two. Would you be annoyed at this? Feel like I'm being unreasonable at times because he sees Dd on his days off of work so no other time to do stuff but then I think that I have to work around her so why can't he? The poor kid has had enough and isn't even shocked anymore when I tell her she isn't going

OP posts:
Gide · 31/03/2018 10:09

What would happen if you make yourself unavailable eg tell him you’re out of town/have made plans so he can’t dump her back early?

GreenTulips · 31/03/2018 10:11

How old is she?

He needs to sort childcare arrangements out in his time - same as you do

MaisyPops · 31/03/2018 10:13

I agree with gide. Could you make yourself unavailable?

He sounds like the sort of man who thinks he 'helps' with his children.

Is your contact arranged through the courts? Could you do that?

Sorry you're in this situation. You and your DC deserve more Flowers

Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 10:15

@Gide I have thought about doing that but he would probably just phone my mum and leave her there. He wouldn't be bothered. It will happen one day as me and dp plan to go away in may over the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 10:18

@GreenTulips she is 8 and @MaisyPops he actually has said to me once before he is doing me a favour so I should stop being awkward when he changes the days. They've changed 3 times in the last year. I wanted it signing off by a solicitor to make it legal for this exact reason, however dd is getting fed up and isn't bothered about going anymore so I think nature can take its course. Il never stop him seeing her but will never force her out the door either

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 31/03/2018 10:21

Based on anecdotal eavesdropping , the NRP often thinks the RP 'has it made'. The RP gets the lions share of time with the child then gets the weekends free to socialise.

NRP: "I had him every weekend so she could go and get pissed up"
Me: " you mean you did 36 hours parenting in a week?"
NRP: Shock

How old is your DD? Is she old enough to hold her own and challenge her fathers plans? (Although you've given 5 instances in 10 months, so plan altering 1 week in 9 isn't what I would call habitual, and he is seeing her at other times too). It is his responsibility to alter his social life/get a baby sitter for his contact time, although I tend to think if a NRP did get a baby sitter the RP would be up in arms about that too.

Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 10:27

@NewYearNewMe18 I wouldn't mind if he got a sitter. It's the routine that upsets her the most. Not going disrupts that. Luckily I'm not at work but if I had been I would have had to sort my own childcare out because he wasn't having her. It's the sheer lack of not being bothered that annoys me the most. He's asks me if it's okay but if I said no I'd know what response I'd get. There have been times where o have been tempted to text him in the week and say I can't have her today you need to coz of "..." but I think that's my petty side rearing it's ugly head. Contact has got less and less gradually anyway. And now the inconsistency is increasing so yes it's not a very regular occurrence but it is becoming a more regular pattern that I think will just increase

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 31/03/2018 10:30

It's just not fair is it ? How does your DD cope with the rejection?

MinnieMousse · 31/03/2018 10:34

I think that dropping back early on Mondays is unreasonable but there should be some flexibility over Saturdays if he has her every Saturday. Lots of celebrations, eg weddings/birthday parties are held on Saturdays and it would be unreasonable for him to miss them all. However, if he does miss days then he should try to make them up, either by having her an extra weeknight or Friday to Monday the following weekend. Same for weekends away, and if you sometimes have her when he goes away for the weekend, he should offer to have her for an extra night if you wanted to go away Friday to Monday.

PaintedHorizons · 31/03/2018 10:37

Maybe a discussion and a bit more flexibility on both sides.

Every Saturday night is awful. No parties, football, dates - nothing. If you are resident parent you can get a babysiter once in a while but if Saturday is your main day it's unfair on the child to have her to stay and then go out.

After school is difficult if you are working full time . You need to talk together about what works best for the child.

Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 10:44

@MinnieMousse @PaintedHorizons thanks guys this is the reason why I was wondering if I was actually being unreasonable myself. To clarify he actually works Saturdays and picks her up on or after 6pm on his way home. His days off are sundays and Mondays and as he doesn't have her after school on a Monday he is free from 9am. However I do get the celebrations and things like that. Previously he used to take her to those types of things. However he won't have her extra through the week and will never have her after school on a Monday which sometimes could give me a big helping hand but I just don't even ask as he's already said he doesn't want her after school on a Monday

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 31/03/2018 10:54

What an arse "he doesn't WANT her after school", I would be tempted to tell her she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. Some people don't deserve to be parents.

PaintedHorizons · 31/03/2018 10:55

Not saying it is easy but if you make it as simple and flexible for him as possible, (and for DD who'll be making her own choices very soon), you have a better chance of a good relationship between them - better for all in the long run

Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 11:15

@lazyarse123 she is reminded regularly that she is under no obligation to go if she doesn't want to. All I ask of her is that she tells him herself but I'd be right at the side of her when she did it.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 31/03/2018 11:48

I would make myself unavailable to have DD back earlier than whatever time had been agreed. And either do this on a day/weekend when you know your mum is away, or get her onside and agree not to answer her phone to him.

misscph1973 · 31/03/2018 12:02

I have a similar problem. I know exactly what you feel. You feel that you are being unreasonable when you put your foot down and you are worried about creating a conflict between you and your ex that will affect your DD.

You need to work out where you are in this - why do you feel that he is being unreasonable? I am not saying that he is not being unreasonable, but you need to examine your own reaction. I am guessing it's because you feel that he expects you to always be "on call"? That you feel that you shoulder the responsibility and parenting and he just does what he wants? This is probably a theme from when you were together? So you feel that in a way things are the same as before? Ie. a dynamic that isn't right for you?

A much firmer arrangement would suit you better, I think. One where he doesn't get to skip his contact time. How he feels about that is not your problem. Stand your ground and ignore his reaction. Be firm and do not engage in discussion with him. He will work it out.

girlywhirly · 31/03/2018 12:33

What is the maintenance situation? Did he agree to have DD a certain number of nights a week to keep it lower than if it was just one night? Now he is seeing her less and less, cutting short contact, he really should be paying you more. Unless he buys her clothes and shoes, uniform, pays for clubs and after school care etc or even shares those costs with you, it needs reviewing.

Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 13:14

@misscph1973 thankyou that's is really good advice! I guess so yes. I think it's more that he is living up to my expectations that I had of him when we separated that he would mess about and be inconsistent and for the first 5 years he has been fab! We've argued but always stood firm in contact and he's always been regular and consistent. Now even though he's doing exactly what I expected of him it angers me. It feels like he is not taking his responsibility of her seriously. And I always have the fall out of her reactions. She isn't bothered not to go but is routine orientated and her behaviour can go haywire when it alters and I have to deal with that also. I make a lot of effort ( or did probably not as much now) to encourage time together such as asking if he wants extra overnight or extra days in holidays and it feels futile now that even the days he's supposed to have her he doesn't always do

OP posts:
Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 13:17

@girlywhirly we have a private maintenance agreement as when he changed job he refused to cooperate with csa and is tax dodging. He does indeed pay in line with having her x2 overnights a week and won't reduced down to one night per week as he'd have to pay more. That part was admitted to me. I'd rather not even have his money but my daughter is entitled to it

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SickofThomasTheTank · 31/03/2018 13:26

Personally (and I emphasise personally) I'd be glad! Even just the idea of losing my daughter every single weekend just breaks my heart! Only getting to see my child during the week before & after school (besides holidays) is awful! So he gets to take her out places and have fun with her, but you do all the more boring stuff, you get her out of bed early, help with homework & wash uniform etc but he gets to sit back and have fun with her? You never get to take her anywhere except in holidays? Awful.

Original poster
Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 13:31

@SickofThomasTheTank of course it's nice having that extra day with her and I cherish the time. Part of the reason why sometimes I can't understand why id be angry at it but totally the reason why I no longer am trying to encourage extra time. It definitely is a wrench to give her over at the weekend

OP posts:
misscph1973 · 31/03/2018 13:31

What you can do is accept that his values are not the same as yours. Your idea of parenting is not the same as his. As someone else said, non-resident parents do seem to regard the resident parent as the primary parent. And as your DD lives with you, I guess that makes sense. Try to appreciate all the good things that comes with being the resident parent. Be mindful of what you focus on.

My STBXH (we separated in January) only wants DC in the weekends and he does not understand that I also want weekend time. I don't want to be a week day mummy only, the one who deals with homework, bed times etc. while he gets to be Disney dad in the weekend. He made such a fuss when I wanted DC last weekend because my sister was visiting, and then he didn't want them in the Easter holiday next week! He really wants to have his cake and eat it, and he does not see my side at all. Having said that, it's very amicable between us as I refuse to have a conflict over this. At the moment it's more important to me that we are on good terms, and for that I am willing to not insist that he has DC half of the holidays. I know that DC would pick up on it if they were at his when he didn't want them there and I do not want them to feel unwanted.

SickofThomasTheTank · 31/03/2018 13:32

I can only imagine Flowers x

SickofThomasTheTank · 31/03/2018 13:33

I’m a lone parent too, only the father doesn’t want to know, sadly :( x

girlywhirly · 31/03/2018 16:28

Well OP, you have leverage to say to him, either he gets his act together and sees DD regularly, or he decides to make up the time, or he pays you more maintenance. He could do this by buying her the things I mentioned previously rather than topping up the maintenance payments. Going to a solicitor and trying to get him to pay up that way will be expensive and his financial affairs will be looked at if you go to the CMO with a view to getting payment taken from his wage.

Or he could start to be a decent parent and sort out a regular contact with his DD and stop messing everyone around.

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