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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd contact interrupted again !

40 replies

Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 09:49

Dd goes to her dads Saturday 6pm til Monday morning. Was supposed to be til 6 but from the word go didn't want her after school and so far every holiday that has fell on a Monday she has been back before midday as something has always "come up". In the last 10 months Dd hasn't gone over twice at all because he's gone away and at least 3 times not gone on a Saturday night because of one reason or another. Parties, needing to go somewhere etc. I'm starting to get really annoyed as Dd didn't even want to go two days in a row anyway and now she's sat wondering week to week whether she's going one night or two. Would you be annoyed at this? Feel like I'm being unreasonable at times because he sees Dd on his days off of work so no other time to do stuff but then I think that I have to work around her so why can't he? The poor kid has had enough and isn't even shocked anymore when I tell her she isn't going

OP posts:

Ginnotginger · 31/03/2018 17:03

My exdh saw my dd for 4hrs each Sunday. We agreeed to split bank holidays and he would have time with her during his holidays from work. When she was about 4 she refused to go with him one bank holiday Monday and that was the last time she had contact with him other than on Sundays despite me trying to make arrangements with him. When dd was about 6 or 7, he started missing weeks, bringing her home early etc and I kept a record for a few months then showed it to him and gave him an ultimatum he either stopped messing her about or he stopped contact full stop. I don't think he realised how many 'stomach bugs', 'colds' etc he or his familiy had been having, I think he had convinced himself it was the occasional week off and she wouldn't notice. He did buck up his ideas for a long while to be fair to him.
Sorry for being longwinded but perhaps you need to point out to him the developing pattern as he may not consciously realise how often he is shortchanging his dd. Maybe you could renogotiate contact to every other weekend and split bank holidays or some such arrangment which benefits your dd.

misscph1973 · 01/04/2018 09:37

I think that is a very good point, Ginnotginger, that he might not realise how little he sees the OP's DD. I think that is the case for my STBXH. A few weeks ago I was visiting family abroad on my own, and STBXH stayed in my house with DC. My flight back was cancelled and I didn't return for another 3 days - that is the longest he has been with them. Other than that he really only wants them 2 nights in the weekend and one week night, in the school holidays. But in his mind he has them 50 % (maybe because they are not at school when he has them, so more intense?).

GnotherGnu · 01/04/2018 09:43

I have thought about doing that but he would probably just phone my mum and leave her there.

So get your mum to agree to be unavailable also.

GreenTulips · 01/04/2018 10:05

Yes tell your mum your plan and let him work it out - same a school you have too!

Original poster

Nkhutch · 01/04/2018 12:59

@Ginnotginger I have tried. Even this morning when he came to collect her I asked about what time he is bring her back tomorrow. He said he'd have to let me know as he's going somewhere... I pointed out to him that it's his day off and his day to have her. And that I thought he'd want her extra seeing as he didn't have her last night.... it was a no. I think going to keep a record and give him an ultimatum. He used to be such an involved dad, now it's just ridiculous

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 01/04/2018 13:06

Why are you asking?

Why not 'Right I'll see you at 6pm tomorrow - have a great day' close door

Rainboho · 01/04/2018 13:22

I think you need to toughen up a little, although it is really easier said than done. He is playing on you wanting to avoid DD being upset and subsequently controlling you via this. I also would bet on this having been a theme of your marriage.

Its taken me nearly three years to get tougher and see exactly when ex-H is suiting himself. He thinks it’s a favour to me if DD stays with him a single extra night in school holidays and once I started getting tougher about school holiday cover, he actually sent me a long whinging text about how many school holidays there are. I literally do not give a fuck about his moaning and pointed out that percentage wise he still did a lot less. He asked if I could sort out holiday club. Er, no, you lazy fucker.

Things that have worked really well for me have been leaving a few hours between him texting and me replying - I am not at his beck and call. And also stopping the habit of justifying myself to him, I have a bunch of stock replies when he texts asking to alter arrangements such as ‘That’s not going to work for me on this occasion.’ He is a ‘Mr Reasonable’, except he isn’t really, he is totally self obsessed and patronising.

You can do this!

Original poster

Nkhutch · 01/04/2018 16:02

@GreenTulips reguardless of telling him or not he would turn up st my door and hand her over when he wants to or would find someone to dump her on. So I'd rather her just come to me

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 01/04/2018 21:39

I think GreenTulips and Rainboho have some very good points about communicating - in an ideal world it would be nice if you could be polite and ask nicely rather than demand. I always like to think that if I am polite, people will be polite to me, but it's just not always like that. I think if you are firm, you are also very clear in your communication. There is nothing wrong with stating what you want and expect. If you are fuzzy in what you want/need, you have a high risk of not getting what you want because people don't understand you.

Nkhutch, you say that he used to be such an involved dad, what changed? If you know of course. Is his work very different? Might he have some sort of life crisis? Has he met someone? Because if it's out of character, there might be a reason?

Original poster

Nkhutch · 02/04/2018 11:05

@misscph1973 a new partner. That's all I can put it down to. He has had two previous partners and never had this issue. Intact we used to argue over who got more time at one point. He couldn't have her enough. Now it's the complete opposite

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 02/04/2018 11:44

Well, there you go. I am guessing that this (third) new relationship is more serious than the other two, and he is struggling to divide his free time between the new partner and your DD.

It's not uncommon. I can understand why it's upsetting you and your DD. Can you talk to him about it?

Original poster

Nkhutch · 02/04/2018 20:44

@misscph1973 would say any more serious than the last two currently as he hasn't been in it near as long as the others. I kinda feel sorry for dd as she is feeling it you can tell. And no. I tried to say to him yesterday he hasn't seen her much this weekend and why can't he have her longer today but it was just another excuse really. I would be happy to change it to every other weekend so it meant he had time to himself but he would just have a dig at me and say I'm taking time away. So for now I'm just logging everything for a couple of months to show him how much he's missing. With the comments dd came home with today I'm quite happy that he'd rather not have her as often, and normally I'm pro-fathers when it comes to contact x

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 02/04/2018 21:32

If he could rather have less contact with DD but it was regular, I’d go for it. But he shouldn’t get away with not paying more maintenance. Do you think the new woman isn’t interested in DD?

Original poster

Nkhutch · 02/04/2018 21:44

@girlywhirly I get that sense yeah. We haven't always seen eye to eye. But I have nothing against her. In the past dds father has used his partner at the time to communicate with me rather than himself. Which obviously if me and him have a disagreement it goes through a third person and they also start arguing. The same happened this time and after a few arguments I asked her to not contact me and he was to instead as he was her father. When she didn't listen I blocked all the ways she could contact me and explained to exp that she didn't respect my request. I since haven't had an issue with her. But I think there has always been an issue there between dd and her dfs partner which is a shame as she has always like his other partners. He has another dd with another woman and I know there has been similar issues reguarding contact but I don't think that child's mother is really bothered- an approach I should take really

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 03/04/2018 09:05

I think at the end of the day we never really know what goes on in other people's heads, let alone their lives. You sound very reasonable and sane! I think you are right - try to be less bothered. What we focus on, we get more of. I can understand that this situation is not ideal, but it could be so much worse. Your ex sees DD much more than some fathers do - my niece hasn't seen her dad for years.

What comments did you get from DD re her father?

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