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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed in this friend

29 replies

Erewegoagainandagain · 31/03/2018 08:51

Originally posted on WWYD but more traffic here......

Someone I considered one of my closest friends seems to have gone cold on me since I had another baby.

She has teens, as do I, so It's not as though we have nothing in common anymore. It's not jealousy as she definitely doesn't want any more kids and is happy with the number she has. However, she always seems too busy to meet up and, on the rare occasions we do, seems totally disinterested in DD - I swear I caught her rolling her eyes once when her conversation flow was interrupted due to me needing to attend to DD!

Judging by her Facebook feed, although she hasn't actually said, I suspect she would prefer to meet in the evening minus kids in the pub. Unfortunately, that's logistically tricky for me. Besides, I'm knackered and not keen on drinking alcohol these days.

I have other less close friends in a similar position to her who have been far more interested and involved. I'm so disappointed in her, It's really not what I expected at all. I had always thought she would be godmother - certainly not now, she hardly knows DD!

So do I carry on letting her reject me all the time, confront her or just not bother with her at all? I feel so torn as she was once a lovely friend

OP posts:

YoucancallmeVal · 31/03/2018 08:57

I'm sure she still would be a lovely friend. However, she didn't change, you did. If She has teens, she may have been looking forward to reclaiming a life and having fun. Some people don't see babies as fun, particularly once they've done it. I can't imagine she wanted to wait 10 years to go to the pub with you but she has to and you think she's unfair. I think you are being U

tinydancer88 · 31/03/2018 09:09

I think you need to have a chat with her (not 'confront' her as such, but maybe just say you know it's been difficult to meet up but you are missing her company). Sounds like you're both a little frustrated with the other and unless these things are aired you could both lose a good friendship.
I can imagine as her children are older she might have been anticipating some more freedom and adult-only time, and as you say you're exhausted and organising meeting-up is much trickier with a small baby. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, you just need to be honest with each other and hopefully come up with a compromise.

DeathStare · 31/03/2018 09:15

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it is you who has changed not her. That's not a criticism - your life is bound to change when you have a new baby, but that means the way in which you interact with her has also changed. Just because this is a positive change in your life, doesn't mean she has to welcome and embrace the resulting changes in your friendship with her.

The fact that you have had a new baby doesn't mean she is obliged to suddenly develop a new interest in babies. Just because you can no longer go to the pub in the evening, doesn't mean that she shouldn't want to do that.

Personally I think you are over-reacting and being a bit unreasonable. She is still making the effort to meet up with you in situations that aren't ideal for her. That is a good friend.

Amaried · 31/03/2018 09:25

Honestly I can relate. I'm just out of the baby stage myself and spent the past 8 years discussing teething, feeding issue, toilet training with my friends. I am loving having a bit of a adult social life again and would find it hard to muster up interest in someone else's small baby in any more than "ah isn't she a cutie" kind of a way.
I think you have unrealistic expectations of how involved she should me and it would be nice if every now and again you did meet her without your DD and she needs to go likewise with you. If you re both not willing to accommodate the other sometimes I don't think your friendship has much of a future.

rocketgirl22 · 31/03/2018 09:26

I don't think you can expect her to be overly excited about your baby.

She is clearly well past all of that, probably gratefully so, and is simply not really into babies anymore....not because she doesn't care about you and your dd, but because you are at totally different stages in your lives.

You are rightly focused on your baby, and you are different places thats all. If you don't want to go to the pub, then don't, but you can hardly expect her not to.

I would find a middle road, for baby lunches and things spend more time with your other friends, and for more adult based evenings out etc go out with her.

I think you are being a little unreasonable to be disappointed in her.

Olympiathequeen · 31/03/2018 09:29

As she has teens she is suddenly rediscovering she can do things not revolving around children. It’s no doubt a liberating and interesting time for her, and she was probably hoping you would be able to enjoy and share this with her. Instead you have made a life choice that doesn’t chime with hers. Frankly she sounds done with babies and small children and nothing will change this.

You just need to move on because she clearly has found alternative friendships and activities not involving babies.

JaneyEJones · 31/03/2018 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arrowfanatic · 31/03/2018 09:31

I hope it wasn't an eye roll that you saw, because no matter what if she did that's mean. However I think you're encompassed in the glow of having a new baby to show off and unfortunately your friend is past that stage in her life. She may simply just have no interest in babies anymore now she has teenagers, let's be honest babies aren't that interesting.

I have 3 kids ranging from ages 9-5 and now my interest in babies is a awww aren't they cute, maybe a cuddle but that's it.

Alas you have changed, she hasn't. She wants to live the life of a person with older kids, you cant/don't want to. That's your problem not hers, cut her some slack.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 09:34

Just because she had children doesn’t mean she is a children person.

She might be relieved that she doesn’t have to deal with that anymore and now you are choosing to it means she has to too?

Just how tricky is it to meet up without DD? Can you not go to a pub or dinner with her and not drink yourself?

I think you are being a bit unfair on her. Yes, she could suck it up for an hour or two (for all we know she did) but if she can only see you with the baby and she doesn’t like being around babies and wants quality time with you it’s inders she’s reluctant to meet.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 09:35

*understandable

Notonthestairs · 31/03/2018 09:39

It is often written on here that nobody is actually that interested in your baby - by and large it is true. You havent said how old your baby is but I do think that for the first year or so parents can often disappear down the baby rabbit hole.

I am hoping for more freedom and evenings out as my children get older, I love babies but I am pretty much out of that zone now and it feels like a slightly weird memory. I know that you say you have friends that are more interested than she is - are you sure or did you expect less from them so any interest is considered positive?

That said a lot of your post is your assuming your friend feels certain things - you don't actually know and can't without talking to her.

user1493413286 · 31/03/2018 09:41

I would talk to her, say how you’ve been feeling and ask how she’s been feeling?
It’s not an excuse for lack of interest but she may be feeling a bit out of step with you now in the same way it can be for friends when you have a baby first when you’re all younger

fabulous01 · 31/03/2018 09:43

I think it is just you have different lives.
I haven’t seen my best friend for months but her kids are older and mine were harder to get so took a lot longer.
Logistics are hard but that is life.

JaneEyre70 · 31/03/2018 09:48

I had my kids very young but my old school friend had her 1st when my eldest was at secondary. I wasn't missing the baby/toddler phase at all, but suddenly we had to go back to meeting in noisy cafes or at the park as she was too knackered for evening meet ups. I kind of felt I lost her for a few years, being really honest just as she'd probably felt about me years before. I'd try meeting up in the evening or see if you can leave the little one at home. She sounds like a good friend, and they don't just fall out of the trees. Treasure it

Creambun2 · 31/03/2018 09:52

YABU - she probably find time with you boring if all you do is talk about DD.

swingofthings · 31/03/2018 09:54

Oh I can so relate! I have two friends whose children are the same than mine, but then end up having a 3rd (and 4th for another) years later. Inevitably, their focus is much more on their youngest their eldest.

I have to admit that I do find my getting with them is not as fun as it used to be. I totally understand that their lives is ruled by their youngest, that's how it was with our eldest when they were that age BUT, that's the bonus of their being older and being able to go back to having an interesting conversation without being regularly interrupted because of disruption to do with the youngest. I also find it harder to be interested in what they are up too, only because I've moved on from all this. I guess the reality is that I don't really like younger children, only did so when mine were that age.

So very selfishly, I don't really look forward to meeting with them if their youngest is around and have tried to suggest meeting without if possible. I think that like you, they feel a bit offended which I don't mean to be. I do make an effort and will meet with them with their youngest, but I don't really enjoy these times and find them utterly exhausting. The noise, the constant interruption, the needing to rush to find a toilet, the stopping because they want to eat there and then, the tantrums, I come home and feel like I need a day to rest.

Sorry OP, I know it's not nice, but maybe it would be better if you do meet up with her without your youngest? That is of course if she still worth being your friend (I'm still close to my friends but don't see each other as often as we used to).

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/03/2018 09:59

Can you meet her when the baby is with its dad or elsewhere, and show her that you are still the same person she's friends with? To her it's like you just took up a really really absorbing new hobby and don't have any time for her unless you are talking about or demonstrating your new hobby.

She's done babies, she wants grown up time with you now. If you can't manage that, you need to let her go.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 31/03/2018 10:00

She's jealous.

I have 2, older teens but that baby craving for a third has never gone away. I'll happily admit I'm jealous as hell of people who have been able to go for that third child.

I wouldn't be as rude or nasty as your friend, but there's no denying I'm jealous of people in your situation.

MayCatt · 31/03/2018 10:03

Surprised by all the replies you're getting OP. I had friends who had babies much earlier than I did and I still showed an interest in them as they were still my friends. I don't see why this wouldn't be the same in reverse.

She unfortunately sounds very selfish and has behaved very poorly to you. I would back away and focus on other people more deserving of your time OP.

pinkdelight · 31/03/2018 10:06

"She's jealous."

You might be, but it's a huge leap to assume she is. As the thread attests, many people are relieved to put the baby day's behind them. No reason to assume jealousy here.

OyO · 31/03/2018 10:06

I don’t see anything wrong with someone wanting to have adult time minus kids with no interruptions and just adult talk, even better if there’s alcohol involved.

After so many kids, both mine and friends, none of us have any interest in new babies either.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 10:13

ItsAllABitStrangeReally you must have had a truly blessed life of you think this behaviour is nasty

LoniceraJaponica · 31/03/2018 10:14

“She's jealous.”

I very much doubt it ItsAllABitStrangeReally
I’m more inclined to think that now she is past the baby stage it just doesn’t interest her any more.

Allthewaves · 31/03/2018 10:16

I get it. I'm out if the baby years, mine are still young but I don't want to go to toddler friendly places or goo over babies. I'm done. Honestly I find babies/toddlers a bit irritating. Id show an interest but I wouldn't want to me up with someone all the time who talks baby.

She's not rejecting u, she's at a different life point. You will have to accept this friendship may have to go on back burner for a while

Allthewaves · 31/03/2018 10:19

swingofthings has put it really well

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