Mil's secret talks

[SebsCat]

I think this is more of a WWYD?

My relationship with my MIL is tricky. Neither of us like each other (as people, we have v different values) but I'm always careful to be polite and civil, as I think it's important to treat family with respect.

I do really appreciate how much she loves DC. I will always be grateful for more people to love and care for them and I try hard to allow them to develop an independent relationship with their GM. We live in the UK but PIL live in our country of origin, so a few times a week I'll call them, give the phone to DD5 and let her have a chat in her room so she can get some time with them, without me around.

Last year, MIL started asking DD to keep little 'secrets' from me. Nothing major, let's buy this in secret and eat that in secret. I really had to put my foot down, as I don't think young children should be encouraged to keep secrets from parents. It caused a lot of fuss, more so because MIL sees herself as the unquestionable and all knowing matriarch of the family but I held firm.

Now my DD has thrice said things to me, suggesting MIL is subtly influencing her against me/ for my DH.

1. Your mum shouldn't give daddy a hard time if he wants to game all day, he works hard in a real job
2. You should go to your fave restaurant alone with Daddy, no need to take Mummy, you need 1:1 time
3. Mummy doesn't really know how to do your hair, tell me I'll do it for you when you visit

I know they are small things but I'm just uncomfortable at her trying to influence DD in these ways without acknowledging them to me.

One of the reasons we don't see eye to eye is that MIL is very proud of her ability to manipulate everyone around her and I've turned down her 'tips' on controlling DH and DC before.

I know she will deny, and then throw a strop if I confront her. WWYD?

Do your daughter and mother in law have a similar type of hair, which you don't have? If so, I can understand that comment maybe being ok. But the truth is that if you are uncomfortable with your MIL's behaviour towards your daughter you need to tell her. You can't stand on politeness or not upsetting the applecart when it comes to your kids wellbeing. I've had some incredibly awkward times with my inlaws as I refuse to just turn a blind eye to their behaviour when it affects my kids.

Your own relationship with your dd takes priority over anything she has going with mil. Stop the calls. She isn't to be trusted regardless of which country she is in.

I would definitely stop the calls. How terrible of her to encourage secret keeping like that. It's the kind of thing that groomers do and yet a grandmother is normalising it.

Thank you all for the validation.

quietlife yes, exactly, they won't change ever

gummy thank you, I've taught DD about tricky people and emphasised never to trust people who ask her to keep secrets from me

Have you told your children that people shouldn't ask them to keep things secret from you? Not even close friends or relatives?

Cross post; explain that even includes times when its embarrassing or difficult to tell you, and that you;'ll never be angry or upset with her for disclosing a secret.

baroness I tried that, I tried to keep it neutral by telling DD granny gets confused sometimes so you should always check the things she says with mummy. DD promptly repeated this back to mil but it doesn't seem to stop MIL

ada absolutely, DH and Bils all act like children around her which is why it's even more of a shock when I put my foot down. I actually recently sat through a family dinner where MIL held court that mermaids are real, as she has seen it on Facebook and between them FIL, Dh and 2 bils awkwardly nodded among rather than risk her wrath by contradicting her.

I think I'll supervise calls and have another chat with DD.

It's hard to know how to bring it up with DD, MIL is very careful not to say the word 'secret' anymore and she always pretends her 'advice' is out of concern for me.

Shall I say, it's not nice for adults to tell other adults what to do?

I would stop the unmonitored phone calls. Either cut back on how often they are and flat out tell your Mil why or let your daughter talk to her on loudspeaker and make it clear you will be present all the time. You can then correct Mil every time she speak out of turn. When they visit you need to keep a closer eye out of what she says and what she does and make it clear that you don't trust her with your daughter and if she keeps up this shit she won't get left alone with her.

Do not call her, do not facilitate contact with your DC, tell her internet is dodgy or just tell her the truth ??
You are an adult in your own right. Why would you cow tow to her, when she means you harm ?
Keep her at bay.
Tell your Darrrrrling husband, to find some balls, that she will not come between you & DC
If this is the way he wants it to go....... well that will be on his w/e contact time
Stop this now........

Honestly I’d say ‘ don’t listen to a word nanny says as she is very silly sometimes’ - que eye roll.

These people only get away with crap because polite normal folk pathe the way for them. Expect to have this battle the entire time until the point where mil realised that your child can not be won over.

I’ve just watched my mil try to isolate and ostracise a 13 year old dgd who sees straight through her because her mother won’t put up with her shit anymore

Posted too soon —

Mil really is significant. Don’t teach your kids to be manipulated by some one

Yarboosucks With my son, we had a rule that if anyone told him a secret, he had to tell me. Golden rule, never to be broken. MIL need not know

yeah this - we have the same rule - any one tells you its a secret you tell mummy or daddy as soon as you can, you will never be in trouble

^yes to this. We had my dd come home from nursery saying she couldn't tell us what she had done because Mr *** said it was a secret. We were not happy and spoke to him the next day. It was a surprise for parents so nothing sinister but we don't have secrets.

The phone calls would be stopped if this were our house.

Definitely no more private calls and make sure private time is as limited as possible when you visit even if it is inconvenient. I used to just say I’d go too to whatever was arranged and when objections were raised I ignored them.

That's not nice and must be really upsetting. I would do as others have suggested and skype instead - maybe in the kitchen. Then if she says anything at all you can step in and say something directly to her. And yes, get your husband to talk to her! Good job she is so far away!

I’d put a stop to the phone calls. She’s totally abusing your kindness. Put a distance beteeen her & DD and when she visits the UK she can stay at the BIL’s & when you visit your home country stay with your family/friends or in a hotel.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and you don’t have to tolerate it.

How annoying!

I agree, a ‘oh silly grandma’ with a smile and an eye roll every time. Eventually your daughter will come to see how silly she is for herself anyway.

I’d stop the telephone calls, she has no rights over your DC and the very fact that she is trying to manipulate a five year old against you is very worrying.

Maybe it’s time that your DH, read about toxic parents and FOG. This is the only way he will stop burying his head in the sand.

I think we all agree that this is not cool. Obviously I think you should hover during all Skype calls, and record the call on your phone if you can. The first time you hear anything manipulative, I would send DD into her room so you could sort this shit out.

You should immediately call out MIL on whatever she has just said against you and let her know that this is her final warning. You have spoken to her about using your daughter to manipulate a division between you and your husband in the past, and yet she is still doing this. In no world is this acceptable behaviour. Let her know that you will be around during all calls from now on, and the moment this happens again, you will be ending the call immediately. (Sort of like banging her on the nose with a newspaper.).
I would also advise her that if she wishes to see your DD in real life, that you will be accompanying her at all times, as you do not trust her not to mess with your daughter's head.

I say this because my batshit mother had my son believing that she was the boss of our family and if he didn't do what she wanted, she'd have ME removed. Took a while to get it out of him, poor little guy was miserable. I have no sympathy for your MIL. Her behaviour is cruel and immature.

I wanted to add that I wouldn’t allow your DD to take a telephone call in her room anymore. She takes the calls with you around, on loud speaker so that you can monitor what is being said.

It’s all very well that they have a loving relationship.....personally, it’s not so loving when your MIL is trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Nip this in the bud now OP.

I suppose here is a golden opportunity to teach your daughter how to be resilient to manipulation. I'd second the no more secrets and no more private chats. When you get the 'mummy can't do hair properly' ask your daughter what she means by properly, and laugh it off. I wouldn't confront MIL. That's the who point isn't it? To piss you off?

I think people are giving really good advice regarding the phone calls but be aware, once she knows you're listening in on the calls she'll be on her best behaviour and will look for another way to get to your DD.

I would be stopping those chats with the manipulative old witch

Can you put her on loudspeaker, and if she says anything inappropriate, call her out on it? Not even have a go, just maybe a laugh and say to DD 'well that's not true, is it darling!' I certainly wouldn't be allowing her to have private access to your DD. I have told my DS that if anyone tells him a secret he should think about telling me or his DH so that we can discuss it and decide whether it's a good secret to keep. Fortunately for us, DS is a terrible secret keeper!