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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my friends down so regularly

29 replies

Prusik · 30/03/2018 13:57

Be gentle, I feel like shit as it is. Yet another days plans ruined by ds1's nap routine. Arranged to meet a friend this morning. Ds ended up having a lie in and napping when we were due to meet up. Arranged for this afternoon but now ds2 is on a cluster feed session.

I hate being so dictated to by ds1's naps. He is a little tyrant when it comes to sleep and will scream blue murder until he gets into his cot.

Ds1 is 14 months, ds2 ten weeks (but came three weeks early so is only just getting out of newborn stage).

I really try to live my life but the prospect of leaving the house right this minute....another friend let down. Sad

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/03/2018 14:03

In this situation, totally not BU. You are being harsh on yourself. Flowers

Do your friends have children?

Original poster
Prusik · 30/03/2018 14:05

Yeh they do have kids. This one has a baby younger than ds1 but older than Ds2. I guess I feel like I have the least flexible 14 month old in the world

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 30/03/2018 14:07

Are you able to get DS1 into a better sleep routine? So he goes to bed at the same time and you wake him (id he doesn't wake himself) at the same time? That way you can almost predict when the naps will be (given what the activities are) and plan around them. The cluster feeding you can't really plan around, it is what it is, but can you BF when out and about?
The other alternative is on these days invite your friend round to yours instead!

Psychobabble123 · 30/03/2018 14:07

Can he not nap in the car/buggy?? This is why I've always mixed it up for my lot, couldn't bare having my day dictated around sleeps!

Maybe start taking him out at naptime, he might struggle to adjust straight away but he will adapt and you will get your life backm

WatchoutDSisdriving · 30/03/2018 14:08

Can’t she come to your house? Hen you can feed dc2 and dc1 can sleep as required?

Sirzy · 30/03/2018 14:09

Can you invite people to you instead?

I think the problem with cancelling regularly is eventually even the most undersranding of friends will start wondering if it’s worth trying to make plans.

Original poster
Prusik · 30/03/2018 14:21

I try to invite friends as much as possible. Today was a weird one as ds1 slept 6.30 till 8.40 with a 5am feed. He then napped 2.5 hours over lunch. Usually he's up at 7.15 and naps at 9 for 90 minutes and about 1.30 for 90 minutes. Sometimes he seems to need a shorter awake time. He goes to bed at 7 every night unless he has a tiredness meltdown in which case he goes earlier.

My friend has said she'll come by later. It just makes me feel like crap though

OP posts:
Original poster
Prusik · 30/03/2018 14:22

He won't nap in the car because if he gets less than 90 minutes he will be inconsolable. Tbf even 90 minutes is a push i wake him after 90 minutes generally

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 30/03/2018 14:25

With a new baby it’s difficult to leave the house anyway, never mind the older one and his naps. I agree with others about inviting round, or ask if you can pop round to theirs at some point in the afternoon, rather than at a fixed time. It’d be easier if DS1 would nap on the go, but presumably if he could you’d have done it.

MrsLaurac · 30/03/2018 14:26

Honestly right now it's the least of your worries. Your a new mum (congratulations) you should be given time and consideration from your friends, so long as pre new baby you wasn't so bad you'll be fine. If anything you deserve tea and cake made by your friend!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/03/2018 14:38

New baby and a Toddler, your mates will understand

Skarossinkplunger · 30/03/2018 18:52

Do your friends have children?

Because it’s obviously impossible for childfree friends to be understanding about this. Confused

Lethaldrizzle · 30/03/2018 19:27

What's wrong with a pushchair?!

Beachmummy23 · 30/03/2018 19:32

It sucks being unable to go out. However, I do stop organising things with people who regularly let me down. Mainly because I would explain to my daughter who we are seeing and then she would be upset if it didn’t happen.

However, with a little one as young as your second I would completely understand why you need to cancel.

GreenSeededGrape · 30/03/2018 19:32

Not all baby's sleep in a pushchair. I know it goes against the great MN myth that baby will 'slot in' to my routine Hmm

I'm sure your friend will understand OP. I personally got both mine used to napping in a cot so I could sleep too. Both dc however will nap at the CM in the pram but not with me.

I'm ok with it though. Whatever gets you through Flowers

lunar1 · 30/03/2018 19:35

Stop making plans for the time being and just invite people to you. Repeatedly letting people down isn't fair, especially as you know it is likely to happen. At the moment it's just disappointing for your friends and putting pressure on yourself.

Feilin · 30/03/2018 19:39

My sil had to use cot for naptime. I used the pram . Meant when i went out it was grand. Every baby is different though some wont sleep in prams.

BellyBean · 30/03/2018 19:41

If I had plans I'd wake him at usual 7am so naps don't clash.

Not at 10 weeks but a few months in I found dd started to have several shirt naps and a longer one.

I'd wake early from short naps If they went longer than usual and likely to affect plans.

Dvg · 30/03/2018 19:44

I think yabu as its unfair to be that unreliable to times BUT your reasonings arnt. Think you should start just inviting people to you

Badwifey · 30/03/2018 19:46

I lost a really good friend over my child's poor sleeping habits. I had to let her down twice in a week. Try not lose contact. Eventually she'll/ they'll move in from it.

happylittlevegemites · 30/03/2018 19:48

Oh that's hard. No, YABU. If you were my friend, I'd be gutted to think you were worrying about this.

I had two under two. It's really rough. Getting friends to come to you makes it easier. So long as you have tea, coffee and milk in, you're sorted (though, friends will bring some with them if you've run out).

Trying to co-ordinate naps and routines is like herding cats. I wouldn't bother - you risk wasting a lot of energy on it!

Loandbeholdagain · 30/03/2018 19:50

Friends will understand. My friendship group used to call itself “flakey mums”, we were all as bad as each other but we gave each other a lot of grace and assumed it was baby feeding/toddler screaming/ extreme exhaustion. We are still friends a few years on but not flakey anymore. It’s a life stage and kind, normal people will totally appreciate you aren’t being rude, you’re just surviving the day!

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/03/2018 20:07

I think it is a bit harsh on your friends. When I need my day to work out I woke my children in the morning so they would nap when I needed them to.
Yes, it didn't always work, but if your child is inflexible (I have one like this too), then I think the onus is on you to do what you can to make arrangements works. Your friend has a baby, she will understand to an extent.

SunnyCoco · 30/03/2018 21:50

Completely understand it’s a hard phase of your life but having been the recipient of constant cancellations for someone else’s child’s sleeps it does get wearing. Plus I then have to re-plan my day etc

Maybe just invite people over for the next few weeks until you’re more settled

Best of luck x

llangennith · 30/03/2018 21:54

Stop making plans you can’t realistically expect to stick to when you have two babies. Be patient.

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