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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband and money

49 replies

user1471507501 · 30/03/2018 10:51

We are in a fortunate position financially - no mortgage and considerable savings. I would love to travel more (I've never been to the States) and get stuff done on the house - nothing extravagant, just general upkeep. However, here is the problem. I have a job which I love, but which pays poorly and I have never had much of a career, so I won't have a large pension. Every time I mention travelling or anything that costs he will always argue that because I won't get a good pension we can't. It drives me mad and makes me feel small. I'm not very good at arguing my case and just get upset. Can anyone supply me with a wonderfully articulate argument so that I can fight my corner? Not necessarily relevant, but we are relatively well off because of an inheritance from my parents.

OP posts:

snewsname · 30/03/2018 10:54

That's what savings are for isn't it? Presumably his pension will cover living costs? Your contribution is the inheritance and the lack of mortgage due to this.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/03/2018 10:55

Spend your inheritance and send him a post card. Life is too short for what ifs.

Chopchopbusybusy · 30/03/2018 10:56

Do you know exactly how well off you will be in retirement? Should you be making additional payment to a pension? Maybe you should see a financial advisor together so that you are both clear about what your financial situation will be in retirement.

YourWanMajella · 30/03/2018 11:07

Stop asking and start telling. It's your money. Tell him you're going wherever and ask him if he's coming.

19lottie82 · 30/03/2018 11:09

Fuck that. If he won’t go, go with a friend or other family member.

Tidy2018 · 30/03/2018 11:11

The inheritance comes from your parents, so is the house in your name? Or was the mortgage paid off after you bought jointly? Either way, it should be possible to set aside least some of the money that would otherwise have gone on mortgage or rent. Use it for a higher standard of living which includes fun and decent holidays if that's what you want. The equity in your house is your pension. It's a miserable life just saving, saving, saving, and can lead to great resentment.

LokiBear · 30/03/2018 11:12

There is no point in growing old of you have never lived.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/03/2018 11:14

So, what he's saying is that his pension money is all for HIM, but at the same time he dictates how you can spend YOUR inheritance? Oh really? Is your marriage an equal partnership or not? If not, I'd show him the door and start travelling.

snewsname · 30/03/2018 11:17

Having no mortgage has saved a considerable sum on mortgage repayments. He wouldn't have been able to have such a big pension or standard of living if it wasn't for your inheritance so his pension is just as much yours as his.

HeadingForSunshine · 30/03/2018 11:18

You need to set up a spreadsheet that sets our your individual contributions to the overall family pot. You can only argue from a point of knowledge.

LemonSqueezy0 · 30/03/2018 11:18

You need to be able to have a say in your relationship. Go to the library to get books on confidence building and so on.

Imagine looking back on your life and regretting never having been anywhere or done anything. Don't let life slip through your fingers.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 30/03/2018 11:19

You have just one previous precipus life. Do not let someone else’s silly ideas ruin it.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2018 11:20

I think he has a point in that you can't just blow these savings if you have little or no pension and will be relying completely on his pension. There needs to be a balance spend some save some and make provision for the future.

Sesimbra · 30/03/2018 11:21

I don't understand. Where is the money your parents left you? Do you not have access to savings?

Your post is quite worrying as it paints your DH as very controlling.

If you do have access to savings just tell him you are going to NY/wherever, does he want to come with you? If not, you will go with a friend.

user1499333856 · 30/03/2018 11:23

My MIL has just divorced FIL for this reason. After many years she wants to be free. It is very sad but you only have so much life given to you. And you are responsible for living your life, not your husband.

Your parents left you that money to enjoy your life, not for him to dictate to you. If he won't compromise then you have to strike out on your own.

GreenTulips · 30/03/2018 11:25

Book a holiday - just for you and tell him he can come if he books his own place

Or go with a friend

He's not your boss

Original poster

user1471507501 · 30/03/2018 11:28

Thanks for all your messages. I think I just need to grow a backbone and stand up for myself and what I want. Even with my small pension, we will be fine in retirement. We will have his pension, a house worth at least 450k and over 100k in savings. We are in a very fortunate position.

OP posts:

snewsname · 30/03/2018 11:29

Together look at what your joint financial position will be when you actually retire. Then look at your retirement outgoings. Do they fall short and you need the savings to subsidise your day to day living? Is there a surplus?

Until you actually understand your joint financial position you don't know if he has a point or not. It's not bad to worry in itself. What he can't argue is that your small pension doesn't allow you personally to not have enough money, without taking into account the difference your inheritance has made to your joint current financial position. You need to look at both your pensions and savings, not just yours.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 30/03/2018 11:35

This isn’t about presenting an argument, it’s about presenting facts. Can you afford to do the things you wish to do, and have a comfortable retirement?

If you can, your DH is being a controlling arse. If you can’t he’s probably just being an arse. Either way, you have only one life, which is for living.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/03/2018 11:43

Given that you have contributed a lot of the money towards your family's comfortable position, your H can wind his neck in. He is not your boss or your owner just because he has a higher wage.
If he has arranged things so you cannot access money without his signature or permission, see a solicitor and divorce the fucker, because he won't get better, only worse.

Rafflesway · 30/03/2018 11:44

My DH and I both retired at 59, (DH 5 years earlier than me.)

Once you have no mortgage to pay, no commuting costs, no clothes for work - you tend to find in retirement you just live in jeans/trousers and tops - no lunches, no paying into various work collections etc. then you really need very little to live day to day.

We had quite a good amount of savings and investments. DH has only recently been able to draw his State Pension prior to which he lived from 3 private pensions which covered his day to day outgoings and bills. I won't be able to claim my State Pension for another 3 years but again I have 3 - not huge by any means - private pensions which I was able to draw at 60. We haven't touched our savings so far and we save a further £1000 per month and have a brand new car every 3 years.

We don't go out too often - never have as we prefer to be at home - but we do eat very well and drink a fair amount of wine. 😄. We travel extensively - at least 3 long haul holidays per year and always 4 plus/5* hotels.

Your DH is being silly although sounds as if he has experienced poverty in the past and is scared of going back there. TBH, I was a bit like this but my DH convinced me and several years later I have to agree he was so right and I was worrying unnecessarily.

Sorry to sound morbid but there are no guarantees you will both reach retirement age. It's about getting the balance right! I'm all for saving - as we did - but we have always had nice cars, taken holidays etc. God forbid but what if one of you had a life threatening illness, was left severely disabled etc. which could happen to anyone? Also, bearing in mind the majority of your money came from your inheritance I would certainly be putting my foot down if I were you. Why not suggest seeing an IFA and investing a chunk of your inheritance into a private pension, (Doesn't need to be huge). Job done!! If you do this then you have covered the pension argument and, don't forget, you also have huge equity in your home.

Good luck OP! Hope the above helps in some way.

HeadingForSunshine · 30/03/2018 11:45

If you are a liw earner, as you have low outgoings, can you not set up a savings plan to mature in 10 years, just £50-£100 regular savings, and another the following year. This would provide a regular boost to complement your pension.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2018 11:47

I’d bet my house that this man is financially abusive.

Are you able to buy new clothes?
Buy things for the house?

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2018 11:48

How old are you both?
What are your current earnings?
Ar what age are you intending to retire?
Are you both entitled to a full state pension?
What other pensions do you have?
Do you have enough to keep you going in the event you stop working early, say you become too ill to work but before your state pension kicks in?

TeenTimesTwo · 30/03/2018 11:58

See a financial advisor.

Alternatively consider:

what in todays money will the pensions bring in?
what in todays money will you need annually for the lifestyle you are expecting in retirement?
is the house really includable in your assets or is it effectively non-touchable? Are you intending to down size to free up capital or stay in it until one of you dies and the other needs a nursing home?

Once you have together looked at your retirement finances properly you might be able to come to agreement re more expensive holidays now.

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