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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband and money

49 replies

user1471507501 · 30/03/2018 10:51

We are in a fortunate position financially - no mortgage and considerable savings. I would love to travel more (I've never been to the States) and get stuff done on the house - nothing extravagant, just general upkeep. However, here is the problem. I have a job which I love, but which pays poorly and I have never had much of a career, so I won't have a large pension. Every time I mention travelling or anything that costs he will always argue that because I won't get a good pension we can't. It drives me mad and makes me feel small. I'm not very good at arguing my case and just get upset. Can anyone supply me with a wonderfully articulate argument so that I can fight my corner? Not necessarily relevant, but we are relatively well off because of an inheritance from my parents.

OP posts:

Allergictoironing · 30/03/2018 12:01

If most of these savings are due to you inheriting that money, and if he is complaining about you having a small work pension, why not put a big chunk of those savings into a personal pension in your name? If you haven't taken any income yet from any pensions, you can put in up to £40k/your annual salary (whichever is the smaller) every year. Of course this depends on your age and various other factors, but certainly worth talking to a financial adviser about it.

isthistoonosy · 30/03/2018 12:03

Do you know what income you need in retirement and what you are likely to have? I'd agree and sort that first and then you can agree if or how much of the savings can be spent now.

Murinae · 30/03/2018 12:04

You can also log in to the government website and find out what your state pension will be on top of any other work pension you may have. Website is www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

ReanimatedSGB · 30/03/2018 12:06

I would also add, get this advice without telling your husband. Get independent advice, make a plan, and only then tell him (don't 'ask') what you intend to do. If he's a good bloke who's just worried about the future (perhaps having grown up poor) it will reassure him.
If he's a controlling prick who is keeping you short despite the inheritance being your money, get rid of him. Then the assets will be divided and he will no longer have any right to dictate how you spend your money.

Bluelady · 30/03/2018 12:08

A good friend of my husband's had a massive heart attack and dropped dead on Weds aged 58. Life's for living, as my dad always said "Do it while you can".

puppower · 30/03/2018 12:08

I think it life is for living now whilst being a little sensible.

In your circumstances I think it depends on your age. I was going to suggest downsizing & keep at least 200k for yourself as I presume you have no children but not sure that’s realistic as house is 450k.

UpstartCrow · 30/03/2018 12:13

He talks about his money and you talk about our money. I think you need to ring fence your inheritance.

SilverBirchWithout · 30/03/2018 12:22

We are in a similar position, but reversed. I have a large pension, but no capital. My husband received a sizeable inheritance when his parents died. He decided to retire early, and I still work in a small part-time job.

When we discussed husband retiring early, we agreed my pension would pay for day to day living expenses, and with interest rates so low, we use his capital for larger purchases, paying off the mortgage, holidays and so on. It works well for us, but we did agree it all in advance.

My husband is not a natural sharer when it comes to money, but I've been surprised at how comfortable he is with the arrangement. I think it can be a bit nerve racking working out how much money you will need when you retire as the pension seems so much lower than your salary. But with no mortgage, or national insurance contributions, and the expense of travelling to work, it's surprising how a reduced income still feels comfortable.

HeadingForSunshine · 30/03/2018 12:22

FIL was like this. There was never enough money - everything had to be eked out and stinged. DH and hisbsisters remember being hungry as children due to the ever stretching. Make do and mend unlike the monied neighbours. Every expense was halves with MIL because that was fair. He dropped dead 10 years ago. There was £1m in the bank. MIL has been paying higher rate tax on her income ever since.

The saddest thing - MIL was 70 and it was too ingrained for her to change. She has however become less "grey" iyswim and a bit less miserable.

puppower · 30/03/2018 12:23

There was another thread about an OP who had been gifted a house but was struggling with financial control.

One of my friends inherited about 1.5m & had a post nuptial agreement drawn up. They are not legally binding but do carry some weight & are growing in popularity. Crucially though the money & any assests she bought with it are in her name which protects her better.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/03/2018 12:27

Spending small amounts of money on the upkeep of your home is sensible. It helps keep the property value up if you decide to downsize in the future. Not doing so will make the house more difficult to sell and small problems can become much more expensive to fix if maintenance isn't done.

If you can afford a holiday you should book it while you are both fit and well. Travel insurance gets much more expensive as you age and some people can't physically manage long haul flights after retirement age. If your DH doesn't want to visit the US, could you go with a friend or family member?

HollowTalk · 30/03/2018 12:28

First of all, how old are you? Could you retrain and earn more money that way?

How much was your inheritance? Did you put it all into the family home? Would you be able to move to a cheaper house and use your inheritance money for a pension instead? What would he think of that idea? (I reckon he wouldn't like that, either.)

Are you happily married?

YourWanMajella · 30/03/2018 12:30

First of all, how old are you? Could you retrain and earn more money that way?

Why should she? She has a job that she loves and doesn't need to earn more as she is already financially secure.

HeadingForSunshine · 30/03/2018 12:32

Why is your pension small? It shoukd ne proportionate to your income now if you have invested in it. State pension is about £8k.

SilverBirchWithout · 30/03/2018 12:33

Ironically my husband's sizeable inheritance was because his father was a bit stingy all his life. Although his children have benefitted greatly it seems sad that my MIL lived such a parsimonious life.

Fortunately our DS has an exceptionally well-paid career, and although we have helped him with a house deposit, and the odd gift now and again, don't feel the pressure to leave him a large inheritance.

You do need to consider what your income would be if you out live your husband for a number of years. Will you inherit any ongoing rights to his pension, or does it disappear if he dies? What if one of you needs paid-for care in later life? Do see a financial advisor, and listen to each other's concerns.

JoJoSM2 · 30/03/2018 12:37

First of all, I wouldn't start a war and tit-for-tatting. You want to spend on lifestyle stuff, he's petrified about the future and retirement.

Remember you're a married couple and on the same team. First of all, you need to gather your data - have a clear understanding of what pension entitlements you have and at what age you can start claiming them. Understand what happens if one of you dies before or after reaching retirement age (in some situations you could really end up pennilessness if anything happened to him), at what age you can retire and what sort of income you'd like to have etc.
Once you know that, you work out how much you need to save for retirement or have in savings for emergencies.
I imagine that when you've done your research and spreadsheets, DH might just discover that you can spend more on lifestyle and you might discover that you do indeed need to think about retirement.

KitKat1985 · 30/03/2018 12:40

My beloved Dad was always very cautious with money. Saved all of his life and lived pretty frugally so that he could have a decent retirement. He died of cancer not long after his retirement age having not had a chance to enjoy any of his money. It's made me realise that whilst of course it's important to have some savings and a plan for a comfortable retirement, you have to still enjoy life as well and take time to enjoy life and do the things you want whilst you can.

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2018 12:41

YourWan, I don't think we have enough information to know whether they are financially secure. If OP's husband - who is the bigger earner - became disabled / ill and could no longer work, do we know they have enough money to keep going? Say OP earns 15K and her husband 40K, but they have very small pensions, given that scenario, the 100K savings which need to last the rest of their lives, could soon be used up topping up OP's salary until state retirement age.

YourWanMajella · 30/03/2018 12:45

I don't think we have enough information to know whether they are financially secure. If OP's husband - who is the bigger earner - became disabled / ill and could no longer work, do we know they have enough money to keep going? Say OP earns 15K and her husband 40K, but they have very small pensions, given that scenario, the 100K savings which need to last the rest of their lives, could soon be used up topping up OP's salary until state retirement age

We do because she says they are. She knows better than you.

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2018 12:48

Depending on your family history, I think you need to anticipate living until your mid 80s and beyond. I have two relatives over this age atm, one aged 88 and one over 90 - both driving and living independently. I don't want to not be able to hear my house, have to downsize or get rid of a car before I'm ready, just because I am running out of money in old age.

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2018 12:49

heat my house!

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2018 12:51

YourWan, of course if OP is financially secure she should just go ahead and organise her trip.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 30/03/2018 13:12

I have been to three funerals in two months, all people under retirement age. It focuses the mind to realise that had all these people been concentrating on building up a pension they wouldn’t have led the wonderful, albeit short, lives that they did, and they certainly won’t have need for their pension now!

It’s not an either/or situation is it? Surely you can do ‘all of the above’.

Vitalogy · 30/03/2018 13:13

I think you're going to have to take control OP. You could take you share of everything, downsize, move locations, scary yes, massive challenge yes, but you'll then have all the money and opportunity to do all the travelling and retiring you want. It's up to you. Best wishes.

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